Who Knew?

As I've said before, many moons ago, before Mr.Berg, there was "the other guy." Best described as GI Joe. He was a major part of my life for 3 years. Three of probably the most bitter sweet years of my life. He was my college boyfriend, an attendee of a military college near mine. We shared a lot of amazing memories and ups and downs in our time together.

For as much as he meant, and still means to me, I don't talk about him very much.Partly because Mr. Berg doesn't like to talk about him. Although I don't wish to ever talk about his ex's either. And mainly, because the scar he left on my heart opens pretty easily.

One thing I need to make clear, before I open up this familiar can of worms is this: He is gone. We do not speak. I do not wish to find him, have him back in my life or rekindle any old flames. He was a very important part of my life, he remains to be so, but mostly from a nolstalgical, "ah those were the days" type of place. He showed me a lot about myself that I never knew. I made a lot of mistakes when it came to him, our relationship and my life. I learned a lot, a continue to learn as the years go by. I appericiate what we had. But no, I do not want it back.

GI Joe was a complicated man. He carried a lot of demons, many of which I probably never knew. And when it comes down to it, he was never right for me. I knew that, but I did my best to ignore it. He was the first person that I ever felt I could change my life for. I later realized that was a bad idea. But for nearly three years, I thought the course I had plotted for myself would be completely different.

I thank God everyday for not sending me in that direction. It would have been a terrible mistake.

But darn it, if every time I hear the Pink song, Who Knew I don't think of him. I always do.

The lyrics about how if "someone said three years from now you'd be long gone, I stand up and punch them out because they're all wrong" always strike me in the scared part of my heart. Even know I can't believe he let me walk away.
I poured everything I had into him. He was the first person to teach me that sometimes your hard work just doesn't pay off. No matter what I did, he couldn't love me. Everyone around me knew he was wrong, but I didn't what to see it. And my friends were wise, they knew I'd figure it out on my own. And I did. And I was completely 100% broken when I left him. I couldn't understand why he couldn't love me the way I felt I deserved to me loved.

I truly thought it was me. I was totally convienced I was unloveable.

After I left GI Joe I spent a lot of time being broken, making more bad decisions, hurting my heart again and again. I figured if I couldn't make him love me, no one probably could. It was a dark, dark time in my life.


Then came Mr. Berg. When he came into my life is when I realized that some people aren't worth changing for, because they'll love you for exactly who you are. And that is Mr. Berg, he has always loved me, just for me.

I can't believe I almost missed it. I can't believe I could have given this up.
If I could say one thing to GI Joe, now that time and distance has taken us in different directions. It would be this:

 Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn from you and to love you. Thank you for the a wonderful moments, thank you for the challenges, for the heart ache, the happiness, and the lessons. And most of all, thank you for letting me walk away.


Who knew?

Look how far we've come,

Life has turned out well for you.

You are where you want to be.

You are home, you are loved

And I am lucky, I am so lucky.

Life turned out well for me too.

I am where I want to be.

I am home and I am loved.