Someday

Someday:

• Mr. Berg and I won't have to worry about money nearly as much as we do right this very minutes
• I'll have a oven that locks like it should.... the oven can't self clean without the lock working... booo
• The cleaning lady will come twice a month instead of once a month
• I won't obsess over my grocery list and the cost of every stinking thing
• My basil plant won't look half dead.... maybe it's getting too much sun? too much water? maybe I just can't grow basil?
• I'll live on the lake with my husband and my dogs and my cat
• We'll actually get a dog
• I'll have children and the things I worry about now will seem so small compared to what I worry about for them
• I will feel like I have it all together
• Mr. Berg will actually be home to celebrate my birthday with me
• I will remember to clean out my car, that thing is disgusting
• I'll have a kitchen with two ovens and a gas range.... oh how I wish :)
• I won't dread flying to Boston for Thanksgiving
• Organization will return to the office Mr. Berg and I are supposed to share
• There will be time enough for everything that needs to be done
• I might embrace the size of my chest

For Now

• I am thankful for all of the blessings in my life
• I surround myself with all the people that make me happy
• I take pleasure in the small things, even a clean kitchen
• I smile at the sunshine
• I try to do as much right as I can every day
• There is just enough of what we need for the moment
• I remind myself that some day the hard stuff will soften and fade
• I look forward to the little things

FOR.REAL.

Well, that was interesting.....

While taking a mental break earlier this afternoon, I stumbled across something very interesting.... very intersting indeed.

I found GI Joe's facebook page.

Woah!
That was out of left field.

GI Joe and I have several mutual friends. Granted, mutual in this regard means, we are facebook friends.
We don't speak. We look at each others pictures.

While looking at our friend's pictures, there it was, a comment from GI Joe.

I clicked, of course.
And there it was, his page.

In almost 6 years I've never come across it before. I've looked for it a few times over the years but never very hard.

And lo and behold, on this random of Mondays....
There he was.
He, his wife, their kid.

I waited for it.
I waited for the hurt, the pain, the discomfort.... the anything really.

What I felt was this:
A bit of shock:  mostly that he was really out there somewhere (sometimes I like to pretend my ex-boyfriends fell off the face of the earth)
A sense of calm- He's okay. I knew he was disployed a few times. My biggest fear was that he would die and I wouldn't know. Okay, that's morbid to type.
Pride- He got his wish, be was deployed to fight the war on terror.
Bittersweetness- Wow, I used to be in love with him and I'm really not anymore

and most of all-
Relief- I don't have to be sad, I don't have to seek out his love and affection. I'm not crying every day and unable to explain why. I'm not worrying for him while he's at war. I'm not living on an airforce base somewhere, miserable. I don't have to shop at the BX. I don't have to put up with bullshit and protocals and distance and BDfrickingUs.


I have a good life that I made with my own two hands. I found a partner who loves me and cherishes me and who I hope to spend the rest of my days with.
I have a good life. I have the life that I always hoped I would get. I am lucky, so very, very lucky.

Its funny to look back on what you had, what you thought was so important and suddenly you realize you're glad you are that isn't your life anymore.

I thought I knew what I was doing, God had such a better path for me.
I'm so thankful he lead me in that direction.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am so glad I went through hell and back with GI Joe.
Otherwise, I wouldn't cherish my life like I do.


I should really thank God that so many unanswered prayers.

My Kids

Have I ever mentioned I run an after school mentoring program?     I do.

Tonight is our last night together, the final banquet.
Tonight, my students will get up in front for their parents and peers. They will talk about their experiences and they will show pictures of their events.

And I will be the proudest mama hen you ever did see.

This mentoring program is for high school juniors and seniors who are interested in the construction industry. They students involves are smart, funny and witty. They come from diverse backgrounds, some drive to session in their own cars, some get dropped off my their parents or a friend, one even takes a taxi. Some have nuclear families, others live with their aunt or uncle or foster parent. They are all quick to participate, ready to ask questions and apply the knowledge they've learned.

Not a single one of them is interested in attending a four year college program, very few of them have solid plans after graduation. But with the help of this program, they get a better idea of what's in store for them and how to get involved in their career choices.

When I started this mentoring program, I wanted to teach the students about the opportunities available to them. I wanted them to know that learning doesn't stop at graduation, that success is determined by your drive, your tenacity and your motivations. I wanted to teach them that life is out there waiting for them, it's up to them to determine their own success.

I had no idea how much they would teach me.

In the past year and a half that I've been involved in this program I have learned that patience is a virtue, kids will be kids, and high school is exactly as I remember it: HELL.

I don't have children. But over this school year, I have come to see my students as my own. I challenge them to do better, I praise their accomplishments, I got misty eyed when the shyest of the group finally made some friends.

I also excel in embarrassing the pants off of them:
I had the opportunity to watch one of my students give a speech about his experiences in the mentoring program. When he finished, I have them a standing ovation.

 Does it count as an ovation if you're the only one standing?

A few weeks ago I accompanied another student to an award banquet. His Aunt couldn't be there so I stood in. And even though they instructed everyone not to clap until every student received their award. You better believe I hooted, hollered and made a scene when my student walked on stage.

I love my students. I love how much they've grown, changed and matured over the course of a school year. I love watching them apply the knowledge they learned in prior sessions to their current visit. I love when they ask question of their mentors, when they partner up into teams without me asking.

I hate when I catch them smoking in their cars before a session. I hate when they make poor choices or forget to show up.
What I hate the most?
I really hate that some of them don't have families or people who love them. I hate that they'll start their adult lives feeling lost, unsure of how to become an adult.

And for that, I try my hardest to give them every opportunity to learn about future careers. I introduce them to everyone business owner I can get them in front of and I give as much advice as I can to show them how to interview properly, how to write a resume and how to get in front of people.

They taught me how lucky I am. I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up and I had the people to back me the whole way.

I hope I can be that backer for them. I hope when they aren't sure, they come to me. I hope that I can help them.

I love my kids.
I'm going to be one sad puppy tomorrow when they're gone.

But fear not, come October I'll have a whole new group to embarrass the pants off of. I can't wait.

Where'd She Go?

Wednesday night I needed to move some files from my laptop onto a jump drive to bring with me to work. Seeing as I realized this AFTER I got home from work, I didn't bring my trusty "blue" with me. (Blue is my work jump drive, it's blue, thus the name- creative huh?)

Instead I grabbed a spare jump drive from the living room side table and set out to work on my documents.
In the process, I noticed a file labeled "Old Laptop."

Not remembering what it was, I clicked on it.

Little did I know but the files within were a time capsule from many, many years ago.
All of my undergraduate papers where there, catagorized and labeled by class and year.
All of my graduate course work was there too.
And the most better sweet part: Pictures, music files and some old emails. All from the GI Joe Area.

It was amazing to go back to that time in my life.
I went through the music first. SpeakerBox and the Love Below, OAR, Toby Keith, John Mayer, they were all there. A snipet of the songs I studied to, drank to, drove to and lord only knows what else to.
All of those memories, those moments were almost decade ago but for that night, I could relive them all over again. I embraced it, savored it and mourned it all at the same time. College, the best years of my life. I didn't realize how much I missed them until that moment.

Then came time for the pictures. There weren't many, most are in a box somewhere in the guest room.
But what I  found, were powerful. They were two sets.

The first- the last two weekends I spent with GI. There were even pictures of my very last day with him.
A day I hardly remember anymore, but there I was, smiling blissfully.
I can't help but miss who I was, when I look at those pictures, smiling away with the man I swore I'd spend the rest of my life with. That girl was skinnier, tanner and blonder. But she didn't have a friggin clue. She had no idea her hurt would be broken into a million pieces, she had no idea how close she was to big crash.
The life she loved was hanging by it's last thread, and she didn't have a clue.  I wish I would have warned her, not that she would have listened.



The second- pictures of my graduate school graduation. Mr. Berg and Me. My family, Mr. Berg's Dad, my brother, my friends.

I couldn't help but think the girl in those pictures appeared a little bit wiser, a little more knowing and whole lot more aware.
I don't have to tell that girl a thing. She had it all together. As my Meems would say "She had her head on straight."

She picked herself up and moved right along with life. Sure there were days she didn't want to get out of bed becasue she her heart hurt so much. Sure she drank a little too much, kissed a few too many men and spent a few nights calling her ex boyfriend. But in the end, she got it together.
She wrapped herself up in her friends, she made a new life for herself and she got through graduate school while working full time to support herself.
She did alright with herself.

And she is me.



And I couldn't be more proud of her if I tried.

A Good Day (in bullets)

Today is a good day because:

• I will not need to pee in cup again anytime soon
• We got snow!
• Mr. Berg shoveled all of the snow
• Mr. Berg also feels we should be under a state of emergency
• For 4 inches.... southerners are incredible
• J-Berg went and got herself a raise.... it's been a long 3 years
• The bummed kidney is actually doing remarkably well, all things considered
• I am no longer feel like I'm carrying a 5lb weight around, rather just a 2.5lb weight
• The super powerful antibiotics I'm on aren't causing any crazy side effects, so far
• I won't have to spend the majority of today on my back, provided I continue to feel as good as I do right now.
• Did I mention I got a raise?

One Month

Saturday offically marked my one month anniversary with WW.
I stood on the scale for the sake of being accurate and discovered I lost that pesky .2. Thus, I have offically lost 7.2 pounds in one month or 1.8 pounds a week.
That impresses me. I hope it impresses you.

I celebrated by drinking too much wine. That shouldn't surprise you, as it didn't surprise me.

Sunday was full of milestones- both happy and sad.

As I was getting ready to go Christmas shopping with My Mama I discovered a trajedy. Remember those jeans I was telling you about? No, not the skinny ones. The other ones, with the hole in the crotch? (Actually it was more like upper, inner thigh but not really the crotch.... anyway) Well, they died. The small hole I perviously mentioned? Well, it invited a friend over to hang out on the other leg. They both grew. And I discovered, most sadly, that my jeans had two huge holes in them.
Basically the ass of my jeans fell out.  Tragic.

Had a mentioned these were my favorite pair? Yeah, they were.

So I spent my day Christmas shopping in another pair of jeans that were too big. Granted, this made me feel very skinny, but it did little to make up for the fact my favorite pair of blue jeans DIED.

The mourning lasted several hours until I found comfort in a new favorite pair of blue jeans. Skinny Jeans (real skinny jeans, not my "skinny jeans" that are actually boot cut).... oh skinny jeans. I never thought I'd like skinny jeans. But .3 seconds after sliding into a pair at Ann Taylor Loft, I found my newest best friend. They are beautiful. They go so well with my Uggs. All four pairs.....

It's a match made in jean blue heaven.... I will love them completely, until the next great pair of blue jeans finds me.

So in conclusion (I need a conclusion, this post is going nowhere fast).
In one month I have:

• Lost 7.2 Pounds
• Buried my favorite pair of jeans in the trash can
• Found a new favorite pair of jeans at The Loft
• Have worked out 27 times (give or take a few)
• Noticed a remarkable change in my mid-section
• Taken a vitamin every day... EVERY DAY people!!
• Drank gallons of water
• Kicked the ass of the little voice in my head
• Celebrated Success
• Kicked my own ass at failures
• Embraced every minute of it

And I'm so excited to see what the next month brings....


Happy Monday Everyone.

When the World is Quiet

I don't get many nights like this. It's quiet, I have the house to myself. An apple cider candle is quietly burning on the side table and David Gray play through my computer speakers. It is nights like these that I like to reflect on my life, on the things I have experienced, the places I have been, the damage I have healed from or created, the things that worked out, the things that didn't.
A few years ago I would have spent a night like this crying. I would have wondered why my heart felt so empty yet I "thought" I was so in love. Silly really. I had no idea how full my life could be. Had I settled for what I had, I would have only been empty for the rest of my life.
Tonight, instead of feeling sad or lonely or not quite right, I feel hopeful and loved and at peace.

It is nights like this when I like to take a moment to thank God for blessing me with so much, for challenging me to my breaking point and rewarding me with the most amaing gifts.

For 28, I'm not doing too bad. For that, and for so much more, I am thankful.