FOR.REAL.

Well, that was interesting.....

While taking a mental break earlier this afternoon, I stumbled across something very interesting.... very intersting indeed.

I found GI Joe's facebook page.

Woah!
That was out of left field.

GI Joe and I have several mutual friends. Granted, mutual in this regard means, we are facebook friends.
We don't speak. We look at each others pictures.

While looking at our friend's pictures, there it was, a comment from GI Joe.

I clicked, of course.
And there it was, his page.

In almost 6 years I've never come across it before. I've looked for it a few times over the years but never very hard.

And lo and behold, on this random of Mondays....
There he was.
He, his wife, their kid.

I waited for it.
I waited for the hurt, the pain, the discomfort.... the anything really.

What I felt was this:
A bit of shock:  mostly that he was really out there somewhere (sometimes I like to pretend my ex-boyfriends fell off the face of the earth)
A sense of calm- He's okay. I knew he was disployed a few times. My biggest fear was that he would die and I wouldn't know. Okay, that's morbid to type.
Pride- He got his wish, be was deployed to fight the war on terror.
Bittersweetness- Wow, I used to be in love with him and I'm really not anymore

and most of all-
Relief- I don't have to be sad, I don't have to seek out his love and affection. I'm not crying every day and unable to explain why. I'm not worrying for him while he's at war. I'm not living on an airforce base somewhere, miserable. I don't have to shop at the BX. I don't have to put up with bullshit and protocals and distance and BDfrickingUs.


I have a good life that I made with my own two hands. I found a partner who loves me and cherishes me and who I hope to spend the rest of my days with.
I have a good life. I have the life that I always hoped I would get. I am lucky, so very, very lucky.

Its funny to look back on what you had, what you thought was so important and suddenly you realize you're glad you are that isn't your life anymore.

I thought I knew what I was doing, God had such a better path for me.
I'm so thankful he lead me in that direction.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am so glad I went through hell and back with GI Joe.
Otherwise, I wouldn't cherish my life like I do.


I should really thank God that so many unanswered prayers.

Below the Surface

On Monday night I had the opportunity to talk to LB.
Even though LB is my brother and we're close as close gets, we don't talk very often. He's busy with his job and his life in the big city and I'm busy with my job and my life here in our small town.

This doesn't mean we don't love each other, it doesn't mean we're bad family, we just believe in quality rather then quantity.

Poor LB, he's having a rough time of it right now.
His job is awesome, his roommate is really cool and is professional life is amazing. He's having a rough go of it was his gf.  For the time being I'll refer to her as Lanky.

Lanky is a great girl. She's funny, smart, beautiful and easy going. But and trust me, there is a big but coming here. She's experiencing what I'd like to call failure to launch syndrome.
She graduated from college A YEAR AGO with an awesome in demand degree. All of her friends with the same degree had jobs lined up prior to graduation. Lanky graduated top of her class, she should be in high demand, she should have a job.
Not so much.

And without getting into a lot of details that I'm not sure LB would be comfortable with me discussing in a public forum, I can tell you this:

LB has supported Lanky as best as he can up to this point. However, LB has a life, a job, responsibilities to respond to and a reputation to uphold. Lanky, doesn't seem to get this.
Lanky doesn't seem to understand it's time to grow up.

LB is a probably more of a grown up then me.
He gets it.

Thus, he's had to put his foot down.
He has told Lanky he won't be seeing her anymore until she can get her act in gear.
Lanky thinks LB is being mean.
Lanky has told LB that he's had it easy because his life has been "planned for him."
Lanky resents LB's success and thinks LB shouldn't be so focused on his job and his success at his job.
This cuts through me like a knife because:
1. LB has planned his own life
2. LB has worked his ass off to create the life he has for himself
3. LB has been determined to be a success for as long as I can remember.
4. GI Joe pulled this very same shit on me
5. I know exactly how LB feels, I remember it very, very well.

LB and I talked about this a lot and while I'm confident he knows how hard he's worked and I know he doesn't feel guilty for his success, I sure he's hurting just the same.

He knows he has to cut the cord. If it all works out and they get back together, it will be for the best and because it was meant to be.
If it doesn't, well, again, it will be for the best and because it wasn't meant to be.

He asked me if the pain from my break up with GI Joe ever went away.
I told him that of course it did. I pointed out all the good things that came into my life when GI Joe left.
I told him how my life just got better.
And it did, it absolutely did.
But the pain? Nope.
It's still just below the surface.

As thankful as I am, as grateful as I am.
The GI Joe roots run deep and from time to time they ache.
Not for the return of a former life.
But because of the loss.
First loves have a way of rooting into you like that.

You never forget them.
And the hurt, it will always be there, just below the surface.

Where'd She Go?

Wednesday night I needed to move some files from my laptop onto a jump drive to bring with me to work. Seeing as I realized this AFTER I got home from work, I didn't bring my trusty "blue" with me. (Blue is my work jump drive, it's blue, thus the name- creative huh?)

Instead I grabbed a spare jump drive from the living room side table and set out to work on my documents.
In the process, I noticed a file labeled "Old Laptop."

Not remembering what it was, I clicked on it.

Little did I know but the files within were a time capsule from many, many years ago.
All of my undergraduate papers where there, catagorized and labeled by class and year.
All of my graduate course work was there too.
And the most better sweet part: Pictures, music files and some old emails. All from the GI Joe Area.

It was amazing to go back to that time in my life.
I went through the music first. SpeakerBox and the Love Below, OAR, Toby Keith, John Mayer, they were all there. A snipet of the songs I studied to, drank to, drove to and lord only knows what else to.
All of those memories, those moments were almost decade ago but for that night, I could relive them all over again. I embraced it, savored it and mourned it all at the same time. College, the best years of my life. I didn't realize how much I missed them until that moment.

Then came time for the pictures. There weren't many, most are in a box somewhere in the guest room.
But what I  found, were powerful. They were two sets.

The first- the last two weekends I spent with GI. There were even pictures of my very last day with him.
A day I hardly remember anymore, but there I was, smiling blissfully.
I can't help but miss who I was, when I look at those pictures, smiling away with the man I swore I'd spend the rest of my life with. That girl was skinnier, tanner and blonder. But she didn't have a friggin clue. She had no idea her hurt would be broken into a million pieces, she had no idea how close she was to big crash.
The life she loved was hanging by it's last thread, and she didn't have a clue.  I wish I would have warned her, not that she would have listened.



The second- pictures of my graduate school graduation. Mr. Berg and Me. My family, Mr. Berg's Dad, my brother, my friends.

I couldn't help but think the girl in those pictures appeared a little bit wiser, a little more knowing and whole lot more aware.
I don't have to tell that girl a thing. She had it all together. As my Meems would say "She had her head on straight."

She picked herself up and moved right along with life. Sure there were days she didn't want to get out of bed becasue she her heart hurt so much. Sure she drank a little too much, kissed a few too many men and spent a few nights calling her ex boyfriend. But in the end, she got it together.
She wrapped herself up in her friends, she made a new life for herself and she got through graduate school while working full time to support herself.
She did alright with herself.

And she is me.



And I couldn't be more proud of her if I tried.

The Last Time I Ever Saw Your Face

I dreamed of GI Joe the other night. It has been months since that happened.

It wasn't a remarkable dream. He was just a character in a play my mind created while I was busily snoring on my pillow. He was helping me find something... shoes maybe?, I don't remember.

There was no longing in the dream, no sadness, no tears. He was just there and when I woke up he was gone.

I didn't give it much of a second thought when I woke up. But later in the day while I was idling folding laundry, something occurred to me. I don't remember our last kiss, or the last time he held my hand. I don't remember the last time he told me he loved me. I don't remember looking at his face for the last time.

It's probably because I thought I'd see him again. Our last day together, he dropped me off at an airport in Kentucky so I could fly home. I know we kissed goodbye, I know I hugged him. I'm sure I cried. But none the less, I don't remember any specifics. I just know I was there.

Regardless, all of that was thousand years ago.

I do remember one of our last phone calls. I remember telling him I was happy and fulfilled. I remember the words he spoke to me. I remember him asking me to come back. I remember thinking what courage that must have took.

I asked him if he'd recently found Jesus, had a recent head injury, stopped or started drinking or had an issue with amnesia. All of of which he answered no to.

I told him I could be his friend, I could let him back into a small slice of my life, but he could never have my heart again.

We spoke a few times after that. Mostly to chit chat and catch up on mindless details of our lives.
Once Mr. Berg and I got engaged, he stopped coming around.

I later found it he had remarried (that's right, after me he got married and then got divorced... which is why he came crawling back) and had another child (did I mention he had one of those prior to me?).

He moved on.

I moved on.

As much as I love my life and bask in all of the dreams of mine that have come true, I am still amazed I got here.

How could I have known, the last time I saw his face would be the first time I truly found my way to happiness?

I'm thankful for that moment, even if I don't remember it.

Caught Off Guard

I typically listen to my Ipod every day at work.  I turn it on at the beginning of the day, hit shuffle and go about my business. Most days I don't pay much attention to what it plays unless a favorite song comes on or if I have to take a phone call (there's some "less then work appropriate" songs on there).

Today, my Ipod has been rocking out some amazing songs, Counting Crows songs I haven't heard in months, a few of my absolute sentimental favorites, a couple up beat party songs. For about 30 minutes, it was as if my Ipod was allowing me to relive my college experience through music.

And then the song, came on. Pink's Who Knew. I know I've talked about this song before. It's the song that hands down makes me think of GI Joe more then any other song out there. For whatever reason it stopped me dead in my tracks.

For a few minutes I couldn't move and I just sat there listening :

I'll keep you locked in my head

Until we meet again

Until we, until we meet again

And I won't forget you my friend

What happened?

If someone said three years from now

You'd be long gone

I'd stand up and punch them out

Cause they're all wrong

And that last kiss I'll cherish

Until we meet again

And time makes it harder

I wish I could remember

But I keep your memory

You visit me in my sleep

My darling, who knew?

The song reminded me that come July, it will be six years since I saw him last. For someone who I thought would always be in my life, six years feels like forever.

It also reminded me how far I've come and how amazing my life is now. I am thankful for the time I spent sharing my life with GI Joe. I learned a lot, loved a lot, grew a lot and felt a lot. But what I am even more thankful for, is the six years since GI Joe.

Had I not left, I never would have know what it felt like to find true, real and sustaining love. I never would have finished my graduate degree, moved home, found our house. I wouldn't have the friends that I hold dear. I would only be a shell of what I am today.

Life takes on such amazing twists and turns and challenges. So many of which we don't realize until have they've past. I don't mourn the life I had. I don't envy the person I once was. But I do like to revisit that time in my life. I like to think about who I was. I like to laugh at how I thought I had it all figured out. And really, I knew NOTHING. Had I stayed where I was, my life would have essentially stopped at 23. How tragic.

The past six years have been the hardest, most challenging years of my life. I pulled myself out of a dark, deep hole. I patched up my broken heart as best I knew how and I went on. That's when the good stuff came, Mr. Berg, my favorite friends, my real life.

Sure, my scars still ache. Certain days I miss parts of my life with  GI Joe in a very nostalgic, far away kind of way. I still wonder about who I could have been. But I am always thankful I'm not whoever that was.

I am thankful for the crash. Thankful for the sleepless nights, the tears that never seemed to stop and the bottomless pit my heart fell into. Had it not, had none of that happened, I would never have known, never have appreciated all that God has graced me with. And my gosh, it is so good, all of it, is so good.

So, GI Joe, where ever you are.
I hope things turned out okay for you too.

Thanks for all that you did and didn't do.



Who Knew?

As I've said before, many moons ago, before Mr.Berg, there was "the other guy." Best described as GI Joe. He was a major part of my life for 3 years. Three of probably the most bitter sweet years of my life. He was my college boyfriend, an attendee of a military college near mine. We shared a lot of amazing memories and ups and downs in our time together.

For as much as he meant, and still means to me, I don't talk about him very much.Partly because Mr. Berg doesn't like to talk about him. Although I don't wish to ever talk about his ex's either. And mainly, because the scar he left on my heart opens pretty easily.

One thing I need to make clear, before I open up this familiar can of worms is this: He is gone. We do not speak. I do not wish to find him, have him back in my life or rekindle any old flames. He was a very important part of my life, he remains to be so, but mostly from a nolstalgical, "ah those were the days" type of place. He showed me a lot about myself that I never knew. I made a lot of mistakes when it came to him, our relationship and my life. I learned a lot, a continue to learn as the years go by. I appericiate what we had. But no, I do not want it back.

GI Joe was a complicated man. He carried a lot of demons, many of which I probably never knew. And when it comes down to it, he was never right for me. I knew that, but I did my best to ignore it. He was the first person that I ever felt I could change my life for. I later realized that was a bad idea. But for nearly three years, I thought the course I had plotted for myself would be completely different.

I thank God everyday for not sending me in that direction. It would have been a terrible mistake.

But darn it, if every time I hear the Pink song, Who Knew I don't think of him. I always do.

The lyrics about how if "someone said three years from now you'd be long gone, I stand up and punch them out because they're all wrong" always strike me in the scared part of my heart. Even know I can't believe he let me walk away.
I poured everything I had into him. He was the first person to teach me that sometimes your hard work just doesn't pay off. No matter what I did, he couldn't love me. Everyone around me knew he was wrong, but I didn't what to see it. And my friends were wise, they knew I'd figure it out on my own. And I did. And I was completely 100% broken when I left him. I couldn't understand why he couldn't love me the way I felt I deserved to me loved.

I truly thought it was me. I was totally convienced I was unloveable.

After I left GI Joe I spent a lot of time being broken, making more bad decisions, hurting my heart again and again. I figured if I couldn't make him love me, no one probably could. It was a dark, dark time in my life.


Then came Mr. Berg. When he came into my life is when I realized that some people aren't worth changing for, because they'll love you for exactly who you are. And that is Mr. Berg, he has always loved me, just for me.

I can't believe I almost missed it. I can't believe I could have given this up.
If I could say one thing to GI Joe, now that time and distance has taken us in different directions. It would be this:

 Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to learn from you and to love you. Thank you for the a wonderful moments, thank you for the challenges, for the heart ache, the happiness, and the lessons. And most of all, thank you for letting me walk away.


Who knew?

Look how far we've come,

Life has turned out well for you.

You are where you want to be.

You are home, you are loved

And I am lucky, I am so lucky.

Life turned out well for me too.

I am where I want to be.

I am home and I am loved.