So, my husband got a vasectomy.
And before you start in on how the baby is only sixmonths old, isn't that a little rushed, etc. etc. Let me tell you this: Once upon a time we dreamed of getting married, have two baby boys and calling our family complete. Fast forward a couple of years and we're married, we have two baby boys and my doctor has kindly asked that we not have anymore babies. Here's why: I came dangerously close to bleeding to death when I had Ryan, I had another pretty close call with Jacob. Yes, less scary, but scary none the less. We're pretty sure a third time would not be a charm,
That, and we hit our deductible and out of pocket maximum this year, thus earning us a free vasectomy
Isn't that special? Our hands our full and we earned a free medical procedure.
My husband made me swear up and down, on a bible, on top of a grave, that I would not tell a soul about his procedure.
So naturally, I told my mom, my co-worker, two moms at daycare and well, all of you.
All secrets are safe with me.... or something like that......
So anyway.....
Back in September my husband had his initial appointment with the urologist to discuss the procedure. Being the team player (read: nosy wife) that I am, I went along for moral support. I didn't really have questions or anything to add, google had already taught me what I needed to know.... or so I thought.
What google did not tell me was that I'd be made to watch an "educational" video prior to talking with the doctor. Worse yet, it was really just an infomercial, produced in the 80's that included animated erections, real live scrotums and a diagram of ejaculations with and without swimmers that looked similar to pac-man.
I could not deal. Not even a little bit... I laughed so hard there were tears rolling down my face. At certain parts I had to cover my eyes. Meanwhile Mr. Berg is sitting in the chair next to me with a murderous look on his face. Clearly, this was not going well.
By the time the doctor finally arrived, I had gotten over that fact we were there to talk about penises, my husband's in particular. I also realized about half way through our meeting that I knew him. I went to high school with his son.... and had a major crush on said son... All things I kept to myself.
Long story short, all of
Until three days prior to the procedure when my husband decided to ask his friend about his procedure experience....
You know how we all have that one overly dramatic, pain in the ass friend, who always had the worst experience at whatever it was you're doing in the near future.... yeah, he's that friend.
Why, Husband? Why?
Ensure melt down about how our doctor's office won't give my husband any hard drugs and how his balls are basically going to fall off and how much pain he will be in FOR MONTHS, YEARS EVEN.
Yeah... not buying it.
I spent many hours smiling, nodding and fake sympathizing. Dude- unless you're going to piss a TV out of your penis, it's not going to trump child birth.... EVER.
By procedure day, I was ready to cancel and tie my own tubes.... the tubes my husband refused to let me tie after I had Jacob because "I'd been through enough already." His words, not mine.
Thankfully, my husband woke up on procedure day without any dramatic notions. However, I did have to promise (again) that I wouldn't tell anyone, not even anyone in the waiting room. Which, I didn't. However, the cat went way out of the bag after he got called back.
As I was sitting in the waiting room, minding my own business, waiting for all to be said and done, a nurse stuck her head out of the door to the exam rooms and said "Mrs. Berg..... the doctor just finished the first side, he'll be cutting the tube to the other side momentarily."
I died right then and there.... along with the seven other people in the waiting room who were trying not to obviously look at me while stifling their laughter.
Mr. Berg was none the wiser when he returned to the waiting room 30 minutes later.
And thankfully, exactly 48 hours after his procedure he declared his friend the biggest wuss alive and returned to life as normal.
