One Year Ago Today

I doubt I'll ever remember what I wore that day or how the weather was or what I ate for lunch. But I will always be able to recall how I felt, the excitement, the fear, the suspense. Oct 31, 2011. One year ago today.

I remember waking up an hour before my alarm. I knew it was test day for me, but I wasn't ready to get out of bed just yet. For an hour I laid under my warm covers and sent up a silent prayer asking God to keep our baby safe if I was in fact pregnant. When my alarm went off I scampered to the bathroom and did my thing. I can still remember sitting on the toilet shaking as I waiting for the results to show. It probably didn't even take a minute before the second line appeared.

Remember that scene in Love Actually where Laura Linney makes out with her super hot co-worker and excuses herself to have a silent, excited scream fest in her stairway. Yup, that was totally me! Silent excited scream fest in the bathroom.

I told no one. Not Mr. Berg, not my mother or my co-workers.... okay, I told E. I tell her everything.

After telling Mr. Berg later that evening and having our happy celebration, we pondered over how our next Halloween would be, with our three month old.

I can tell you that so far, it has been wonderful. I woke up a happy, sleepy baby this morning and got him changed into his Halloween costume. True to form in life with a infant, 30 minutes later Ryan had a diaper blow out and promptly threw up all over his Dad. Life is good.

One year ago today, I knew I would be happy and thrilled and full of love today. I just never realized how much.

It's amazing how quickly a year went by, how slowly the time past and how much things have changed. I'm a Mama. How incredible is that?

Ten Things Tuesday: Hurricane Sandy Edition

1. We survived Hurricane Sandy without a scratch. Ryan even slept straight through the night without a problem.

2. Mr. Berg's office closed early so he got to spend the afternoon with Little Man

3. My office did not close early- Contractors Never Say Die

4. I attempetd my first work out in a long time last night. I only got through 15 of the 20 minutes of Cycle 1 Cardio Sculpt of the Firm Express.

5. I'm proud and disapointed all in the same sentence about that

6. Sandy brought in super cold weather, it makes me excited for Thanksgiving in Boston

7.  Speaking of super cold weather, I left the house without a coat this morning

8. I stayed on point yesterday. Day 1 of forever

9. Today I'm wearing pants that have always been my go to fat pants and they are SO, SO tight.

10. I just need to remind myself that I need to do this one day at a time.

When Enough is REALLY Enough

I just spent the past 20 minutes sitting at my desk writing about how sad and terrible my life is. How I'm hungry and fat and unmotivated. How no matter what I do, my house is never clean, my day is never organized and I'm forever behind the 8-Ball.

Guess what?! That's life. You are always forever behind the 8-Ball. Just when you think you're not, life will throw you a curve ball and you'll be right back to where you started. It's just the way it is.

I need to revoke my ticket for the pity party bus.

Yes, my body isn't how it should be. It shouldn't be. I had a baby 15 weeks ago. In reality. I am 8 pounds over what I weighted 8 weeks pregnant. While there are plenty of women who are probably already back to their normal clothes and feeling awesome, I'm pretty sure there's plenty more women who have it a lot worse off then me. I need to leave my complaints at the door.

Yes, I am currently starving. Guess what, that's how it is when you first go back to the big WW. And further more.... it wouldn't be so bad if I actually stuck to the program and made it work for me. Now wouldn't it? Enough eating like crap.

Yes, my house is never going to be as clean as it used to be. There's a reason for that. I have less time and more responsibilities. Again, this is called adulthood- I'm 30, I need to get over it.

No, it will never be perfect and truth be told- it never was before. Why should it be now?

In need to focus on the here and now. I need to set some mini goals and take pride in accomplishing them. I need to focus on what I can do right now, not on what I wish is could be like in a few days, a few months or a few years.

And so, that brings me back to here, this place. This place has been about weight loss, life, trying to get pregnant, being pregnant and a little bit about being a mom.

And now, it is going to be about the Every Day. Monday through Thursday, there will be a daily post centered around a scheduled, reoccurring topic.

Monday: The Best Laid Plan- Goals for the Week
Tuesday: 10 Things- Whatever is in my head- dumped out in 10 thoughts
Wednesday: Weigh In Wednesday (even though I weigh in on Fridays). Where I Stand Healthy Living Wise
Thursday: It's Okay..... A Link Up I recently discovered and fell in love with.
Fridays- Friday is Mom Day. So I'm Home Hanging with my Little Man. But if there's time. I'll devote time for a recipe review, a bunch of none sense or some other little topic about my life.

I can only do some much. I can only be so much and it really is about time I start accepting that. I can't be super mom unless I take it one day at a time.

Where To Go

I'm not sure what to do with this blog anymore.

First it was a journal about my life.
Then it became the story of my weight loss journey.
And then I decided to have a baby and it was briefly a trying to get pregnant blog before "poof I'm pregnant. Magically it then became a growing a baby blog.

And then I had a baby a fell off the face of the earth.
I didn't want to talk about being sick and frankly I was sick for so long that I feel out of the practice of keeping a journal.

This place used to bring me a lot of joy and peace. It was my safe place to go to pour it all out and leave it be.

I think it is still that place, but I'm having a lot of trouble getting back to here. Motherhood is exciting and wonderful and challenging. But it is also isolating and full of mystery. Am I doing the right thing? Is my child reaching his milestones? Do other moms do whatever it is that I doing, the same way? Is my child happy? Is my husband happy? Is our marriage secure?

There aren't a lot of answers that come easily anymore. A lot of times I feel like I'm trending water or struggling to keep up.

Transition back to work has been easy in the work sense and not so easy in the home sense. I don't see my child as much as I want to. We have an hour or so in the morning before I'm rushing out the door. By the time our day is over, we have three hours and then he's in bed again. I miss him, I worry about him and I think about him all day long.

Our four hours a day together are interrupted too. There are bottles to wash, a house to keep clean and organized, dinners to be made and life to keep moving.

I'm having trouble juggling it all. I feel like I'm hanging on onto my sanity by my finger nails. There is a constantly running to do list in my head. It's full of the ever running list for the grocery store and for Target. It's also the count down clock that reminds me of how long its been since I washed the towels and how many pounds I need to drop before my old pants fit me again. It really never ends.

I doubt it will ever really get easier.

But somewhere in the mess that is my life, I hope to find my way back to here. To what once made me happy and comfortable. To the rhythm that was my life, even if it's a little more staccato now.

How I Survived the First Week

Last week was my first full week back in action at work. Maternity Leave was offically over and I found myself sitting at my desk Monday through Thursday from 7 to 4:15ish.

I won't lie, I was aching for my little man by lunch time every day. But thankfully, my mom and his two day a week baby sitter are excellent picture takers. I'm never without new material. But oh do I miss him. I miss him always.

Looking back, I'm not 100% sure how we made it but I'm sure a lot of it had to do with me being anally organized, the fact that my Mom has her own set of bottles, we don't cart a ton of stuff back and forth between sitters and home and finally, prayer. Lots and lots of prayers.

I go to bed at 9:30pm now.

I'm awake at 5am.... and sometime during the night for a bottle too.

I'm already dreading the 4 Month Wakeful.


It's taken me atleast 3 hours to type just this.... and I'm at work today.


Go figure!

Silly Husband

Mr. Berg is a wonderful father, fabulous husband and all around great guy. He's 10x more helpful then most husbands I know. However, there is one area where is completely sucks:

 Night time wake ups.

For Twelve weeks I did a majority of the night time shifts with Ryan because I was home from work and had the ability to nap. Well, Mr. Berg assumed I had the ability to nap. I rarely did for various reasons- I'm not a napper, my overwhelming to do list, CSI reruns, etc.

Add to that my recovery from delivery, my post partum complications and a newborn with reflux. I've been sleep deprived for 13 weeks. Mr. Berg, yes, he's tired. But he hasn't been as involved.

Anyway....

Since I returned to work we have been dividing up the night shifts. I would take the first one and Mr. Berg would take the second. Which would be fine, except, Ryan dropped is second wake up shortly after I returned to work.

We typically start bedtime at 7:45 on non bath nights and Ryan is asleep by 8:15. He was waking around 2am and again around 4:30am. Lately, he's dropping to one wake up anywhere between 1:45 and 5am.

So, guess who got all the night shifts? Me.

This is all well and good except for the fact that now I'm still up in the middle of the night and Mr. Berg is still getting a full night's sleep.

I pointed this flaw in the system out to Mr. Berg and decided for him, that he needed to take a couple of the night shifts.

Last night Ryan woke up at 1:45am, ready for his bottle and diaper change.

Mr. Berg groggily rose from the bed, looked at me and said "You know, Honey, I feel kind of dizzy."

I just stared at him.

Dizzy? You're dizzy?

"Do you think you could take the bottle shift tonight", he asked, yawning and moving back towards the bed.

I started rambling on and on about post partum hypertension, vagina stitches and how horrible I felt for a so long and how I still managed to tend to our sweet little boy.

Mr. Berg stood at the end of the bed, blinking and finally said "Never mind."

And out the door he went on the way to Ryan's room.....


I win :)

And so... it's Wednesday

I'm missing my little man so much right now. I know he's in great hands (hanging out with my Mom) but that doesn't mean I'm not missing him.

I can't wait to see him in an hour and a half.

Ryan James: You Are Three Months Old

You Weigh: 13 Pounds Even

You Drink: 3.5-4 Ounces Every 2-4 Hours- it just depends on your mood

You Can: Giggle, Smile, Grab for your toys- typically soft things like your elephant and your taggie blanket. You can also hold your ball and your rattle when prompted.
You're getting better about lifting your head at tummy time.

When You Sleep: Your nap schedule is all over the map. However, you're a champion sleeper at night. You go down around 8pm and you sleep until somewhere between 2:30-4:30am. After quick diaper change and a bottle you go right back to sleep until 6:30am.

You Love: Your Mom and Dad. Your Taggie Blanket and Ceiling Fans and Light Fixtures. You will do everything in your power to see the TV if you know it's on.

You Hate: Getting your ears cleaned, middle of the night diaper changes and taking naps on a regular schedule.

Big Events:
You started daycare 4 days a week on the 15th.
So far you are a little unsure of what's going on, but you are always quick to warm up.
You are figuring out how to sit in your bumbo seat, lift your body up at tummy time and how to grab for things.


You're the best boy and we love you to pieces!

And So It Begins

How I Envisioned this Morning Would Go:
Awake before my alarm went off for a screaming baby.
Being stressed over washing bottles, getting lunches ready, making coffee, feeding cats, cleaning up cat vomit and dealing with Mr. Berg.

How This Morning Really Went:
I woke up with my alarm.
Got ready, made my way downstairs, washed bottles, made my breakfast, packed my lunch, feed the cats, cleaned up vomit (because that always happens regardless of the day), got a happy little boy ready for his day and packed his diaper bag without incident.
I was out the door, coffee, lunches, breakfast and brief case in case on time and without a stitch of drama.

Thank You, God!


And so, I'm back in the saddle again and I must say, so far. It's really not that bad.

Patience Mama Grass Hopper

There is a part of me that is completely amazed that I'm sitting at my desk at work and it is 50 degrees outside. The last time I spent a serious amount of time here, it was 90 degrees, I was 4 days overdue and annoyed at the endless parade of people in my office.

Now, I doubt anyone realizes that I'm back. I think they got used to life without me and frankly, I kind of like it.

This week is my last week of maternity partial leave. How on earth did this happen? I'm in the office two days this week. Starting next week, I'll be in the office four days a week and working from home on Fridays. I'm really thankful to have such an awesome schedule. It will make for much smoother days and weeks in the long run, I hope. Unfortuately, right now, I'm having a hard time finding my groove. I can't wrap my head around how I'm going to keep the house clean, organized and running. I'm worried about how I'll get dinner on the table and when and if I'll ever find a consistent workout schedule ever again.

I worry about how I'll spend quality time with Ryan in the evenings when I'm trying to wash bottles, preheat the oven and finding a moment to shower. How on earth will we ever do tummy time? Will my at home manicure forever look like shit?

Truely, there is a huge part of me that is shaking my head at myself. I've made it work in the past, why wouldn't I make it work in the future?

I know it will take time for my to find a groove. I know I won't get in the quality workouts I had in the past for a long, long time. I know that we will eat dinner, it just might not be the same kind of dinners we had in the past. My nails probably will continue to look kinda crappy. It's just the way it goes.

I need to stop stressing. But we all know that's eaiser said then done.

Back in the Saddle Again

So I had a baby......

On July 16th my world changed in ways that I couldn't even begin to fathom on July 15th.  I became a Mama and my whole perspective on well, everything, changed. It's been amazing and humbling and eye opening all in the same moment.

I also fell off the face of the earth on this blog.

Why?

Well, to be honest, there are two reasons.

#1- I had a baby and I wanted to enjoy every moment of the start of our new lives together. So I did.

#2- I got really, really sick after I had Ryan. I did not handle getting sick very well. There is a large part of me that is still really, really bitter about how ill I was and there is another part of me that is still really angry about it.

I couldn't prevent getting sick. I couldn't foresee it happening. There was nothing that could have been done to make the situation better. Then you boil it down the following 15 things happened:

1. My pregnancy was picture perfect
2. My induction went smoothly until the last hour and a half
3. My blood pressure was completely normal for nine months and seven days.
4. The day I went into deliver Ryan my blood pressure was through the roof
5. Ryan did not handle the last hour and half of labor well. His heart rate kept dropping and wouldn't recover.
6. I had 20 minutes to try to push Ryan out as the OR was being prepped for my C-Section
7. I got him out, quick, fast and in a hurry.
8. Ryan was perfect
9. I was not
10. Between the uncontrolled bleeding and the massive amount of tearing and whatever else happened down there, I lost 2 1/2 times more blood then the average delivery.
11. My blood pressure remained sky high.
12. I was diagnosed with Postpartum Hypertension and Severe Anemia shortly after delivery. I was put on an epic amount of medicine. Most of which my body didn't respond to.
13. I was sent home from the hospital with the following instructions- do nothing but care for yourself.
14. I was really mad at my body for letting me down, mad I couldn't care of my son and mad that I felt so horrible. Not to mention I was mad at myself for not being more prepared for what happened to me. I had no idea I could run into these problems. I had assumed all would be well. My assumption was wrong.
15. It has taken me a really long time to feel better. In fact, I just started to feel normal about a week ago.


But here I am. Back to work, back to a normal life and loving being a mom, a wife, a co-worker and a friend.

Life is oh so good.