Tomorrow, Tomorrow

My doctor was busy delivering babies today, thus I'll have to wait until tomorrow to get checked out.

I'm okay with that. I would rather see my doctor then have to work with someone else I don't know.

Meanwhile, I'm physically and emotionally torn up. I'm worried about what I'll learn tomorrow. I'm worried the journey we're on will be a long one.

I don't feel 100% yet. I do feel better from Saturday but I'm still in pain, I can't do as much as I'm used to doing and I tire out very quickly. I even napped today and I don't nap, EVER.

I hope tomorrow sets things back on the right path. I hope for good news and good health.
If you have a moment to send up a prayer or kind thought for me, I'd certainly appreciate it.

The One About the Time I Ovulated and Went to the ER

If you heard a lot of thumping and yelling and obnoxious celebrating going on Friday afternoon around 4:30pm, it was just me. Just me, wildly jumping around buck naked in my bathroom as I was getting ready for a shower and discovering the smiley face on my OPK.

It.was.glorious!

Fun was had by all that evening and Mr. Berg and I slipped off into dream land the evening with visions of sperm swimming towards eggs.

When I woke up Saturday morning things didn't feel 100%. My right side hurt way down into my pelvis. I tried to ignore it and go about our business. Later that morning while traveling 30 minutes away to visit a friend and pick up a bean bag toss game for an event today, I was goggling signs of ovarian cysts.

By the time we got home, I knew something was seriously wrong. I had some serious abdominal pain that radiated down my thigh and across my back. I couldn't walk properly, walking sucked and all was very, very bad.

Off to urgent care we went where we met a very nice doctor named George and his nurse, Miss Pissy Pants. MPP was convinced I was not only stupid but I was also pregnant and had a UTI. I knew better. Mr. Berg knew better and most importantly, so did George.  However, ever the peace maker, George had me pee in a cup to get the ball rolling.

Thirty minutes later we were told what we already knew. I did not have a UTI, I was not pregnant and my abdominal pain was worse then originally thought. I failed three separate tests for appendicitis.

At this point George did not urge me, did not suggest, rather forced me to get back in the car and head on out to the ER.

I wasn't thrilled but I knew it was best.

Mr. Berg got me to the car where I promptly started to freak out. Was it my appendix? Would I have surgery? If I had surgery, that would mean I'd have to spend the night. Would I get my own room? Would I have to wear a hospital gown? Could someone bring me my bear? (I know, I'm 29, I sleep with a bear, get over it).

What I forgot about and was quickly reminded of when I got to the ER was that they'd want to do blood work. EFF Word!!  What I also forgot about it that they'd want to start an IV, double EEFFFF WORD.

During registration at the ER, the charge nurse decided what blood work to run and another nurse took EIGHT vials of my red stuff. Mr. Berg did a fantastic job of distracting me and honestly, the nurse did such an awesome job, I barely felt a thing.

Two hours later, I was finally in a room in the ER, and my doctor was pressing and pushing on my stomach in a million different ways. He was concerned, rightly so, my pain was obviously intense and it was too similar to both appendicitis and an ovarian cyst.  He decided an ultra sound was needed and he warned me to start prepping myself to spend the night. My nurse, Pete, an retired Army medic and active national guardsman, started on my line and my meds.

Poor, sweet Pete. I was not good with needles. I am even worse when it comes to IVs. He tried and tired and he couldn't get my left arm to "perk" so he could get a good stick. This meant he needed to use my right arm, the arm that already was beat up from its earlier donation. I nearly lost my cookies when he exclaimed, I think I'll use the same hole. VOM!!!

30 minutes after he started Pete was able to get my line in, the IV dripping and some morphine in my system. It was after all this that they decided I should pee in a cup.

Good Lord. Poor Mister Berg, he had to ensure I not only got into the bathroom with an IV line and saline bag, but also pee in a cup, while not peeing on myself or my gown. I'd be a lair if I said I didn't get my gown wet. I'm just hoping it was potty water and NOT pee.

After a lot of waiting outside the bathroom door, Mr. Berg was able to get me back into bed and  shortly there after off to ultrasound I went.

My ultra sound Tech was wonderful. She couldn't tell me much but she could confirm, I had ovulated within the past 24 hours. It was at that point, I knew I was probably facing an ovarian cyst and not appendicitis.

Three hours and two more doses of morphine later, it was confirmed. I had a cyst the size of a pee on my ovary the size of a walnut. Ouch!

I was thrilled to be going home. But scared, what if this pain doesn't stop?

I woke up today feeling pretty puny. I'm still in pain but not as intense as yesterday.
I'm afraid to take the medicine they gave me, it's far too strong. Oxycontin. For a cyst?

I'm full of mixed feelings.
I'm excited I ovulated, I'm excited I could be fertilizing an egg as we speak.
I'm nervous of what this cyst might mean. I'm nervous about what kind of chance this potential egg could have with all the medicine push through my veins in the past few days.

I'm hoping I didn't screw anything up. I'm scared this is the beginning of a lot of issues.

I'm looking forward to following up with my doctor tomorrow. I hope he knows what's going on. I'm hoping to have my mind put at ease.

But on a high note: My body woke up and is working again.
If nothing else, I'm excited about that.

Virginia in a Jar

I wish I could capture this weekend in a jar. That way I could look back on it every time I wanted to, so it would be there, every time I missed my friends. Virginia is a special, special place for me. My second family is there. My favorite friends are there. My best memories are almost all there. Despite this weekend's colder weather, I felt warm and safe, wrapped in the loving arms of my favorite friends and family.

Every third weekend in September Mr. Berg and I make the 5 hour journey south to visit our favorites and share in the magic that is the Wine Festival. Sure, it probably has a proper name, but for us, it's just the Wine Festival. We arrive early and circle ourselves around the grass under an old oak tree. Once the camping chairs have been set up and the bags of food unpacked, we head off in search of wines to taste, snacks to buy and more friends to hug.

This year the weather was crisp and cool, reminding us all that fall isn't far behind. For hours we sipped wine, talked, laughed and carried on. Our little motley crew, together as always like to be, even if only for a few days.

Sunday morning we packed up our things, nursed our hang overs and set off to venture north once more. Tears stained my eyes as I watched remaining line up in the yard, all waving good bye together.

The days can't go fast enough until I can see them again.

The End is Near

When is comes to life, I've been off the wagon lately.
I haven't worked out since Tuesday. I ate my face off this weekend. I attempted to eat well this week and then make chocolate chip cookies... see how well that went?

This weekend I'll be driving to Virginia to visit a dear friend and her sick father and attending our favorite wine festival.  Once again, I will be eating my  face off and drinking to what my college advisor would call "binge levels". Yeah, binge levels my behind, we're serious wine festival professionals thankyouverymuch!

I get it. I'm on the road to fatty pants land via the most direct route. It's not pretty, it's not right, and I'm not stopping it. Why? Because for today, I don't want to. I'm making the decision to just not worry about it for the next 48 hours. I'm taking a vacation from obsessing. I need it. I earned it.

Between TTC, WL, and doing what I can do at work. I'm just plain burnt out. I've earned the right to just not worry about it for a few days.

Sunday Morning? Oh you bet your sweet behind I'll be tracking and obsessing and getting my wine soaked ass back in gear. But for right now, I'm going with it.


In other news I decided last night at my hair appointment that I wanted to go darker for fall.
Umm..... my hair looks like a special dark bar. I haven't make up my mind if I'm digging it or not.
Hair Fail- Party of One.


Today also marks the day of my very first negative pregnancy test. I fully expected it. I wasn't at all shocked to see it. But with the wine festival this weekend, I just needed to rule our any potential ability to complicate a pregnancy. I feel good knowing I did a responsible thing. I feel sad knowing there was a part of me that wished the word "pregnant" appeared instead of "not pregnant". It's okay, I'll be fine.


And with that, I'm excited for the weekend.
I'm excited for what the future holds.
And most importantly, I'm excited for a glass of wine after a five hour car ride tonight :)

The Body That Cried Wolf

Last night I was googling fertile cervical mucus.
Today I have cramps and spotting.

WTF uterus?! Are we ovulating or are we getting our period. Or are we just bi-polar?

In the past four weeks I have had cramping and spotting several times. This time I'm almost convinced its the big "." this time, the cramps are for real and I've had my big indicator: leg aches. I know, weird, but it's a common problem for the ladies on my mom's side of the family.

So, here we are, stuck with the body that cried wolf.


There should be a manual for going off the BC pill, honestly.

The Struggle

There is a constant struggle going on within my head lately. It consumes my thoughts and takes over a good part of my day. The battle has been waging for over a year, however, since going off of BC, it has only gotten worse.

The logical side of my mind knows that I have been off BC for just under a month. I have yet to regulate, I have yet to have my first real non hormonal period and I have yet to really understand what my body is doing. Getting pregnant is going to take time. Ovulating is going to take time. The chances of getting pregnant right now are pretty much slim to none.

This does not make sense to the bitter, pissed off side of me. The side that knows we've put off TTC for 6 months. The side of me that wishes I had just thrown BC out the window in June and used other methods of protection.

This side of me is bitter, pissed off and sad. I want to be a mother. I want to make a baby with my husband. I want to see Mr. Berg as a father and I want to raise our child to be strong and independent and sensitive and kind. I was to see my parents as grand parents, I want to make my brother an Uncle. I long to feel my belly grow as our baby develops month by month.

I found myself in the baby aisle of our local Target a few weeks ago, picking out a gift for my very favorite friend. My heart swelled with anticipation as I lovingly fingered terry cloth baby towels and debated the finer points of ducks versus monkeys. I ended up going with the cute yellow ducks, she's only twelve weeks along. Despite her inner voice telling her she's pregnant with a girl, she may very well have a little penis inside her. (giggle)

I want to have a baby along with her. I want my child to know that Aunt S lives near the ocean. I want to hear the giggles of little toddlers as they waddle in the sand and play together in the bathtub.
I want to be able to call her at 5:45 in the morning to say "my kid just projectile vomited all over the cat, what's yours up to?"

I wish I could have my life go exactly the way I planned for it, but if anything, I should know, life is what happens when you're busy making plans. Just like how I "thought" I knew what GI Joe would be the one, like I "thought" my first date with Mr. Berg would only be a free dinner and nothing more. I once moved to Virginia and felt 100% sure I would never return to Family Owned Inc, yet here I am.

I need to embrace that good things take time. My logical side knows this.
The part of me that wants to become a mother, will never understand.

Thoughts on Trying to Have a Baby

Hopefully, I'm not the only person who finds humor in these things:


While on BC I had little to no sex drive. I functioned under the fake it til you make it mentality, which 90% of the time worked. But Poor Mr. Berg, it was once in a blue moon when I was the one attempting to jump his bones.

Since going off the pill, my sex drive has sky rocketted. I am always ready and willing for some maritals between the sheets. Once again, Poor Mr. Berg, he's never sure if this is related to my want to have a baby or if I am just ready and willing.  He has even gone so far as to deny me. Me! His smokin hot wife!

Please note the cure to this problem has been discovered: Walk around the house sans bra in his old fraternity t shirt and cute panties. Works like a charm every time.


Today while visiting the ladies room I was minding my own business when my co-worker asked "You washed your hands before you went?"
Er...... hmmm...... think fast J-Berg.

"Oh," I smiled, "I was just in the warehouse helping G with something. My hands were filthy."

There was no way in hell I was going to explain that I was heading it to check my cervical mucus... no way in hell.


It has taken all the self control that I have to explain the baby making process to Mr. Berg without knocking him upside the head.  I have explained ovulation countless times, I have drawn pictures of the female reproductive system, I have have even gone as far as explaining signs of ovulation and what fertile cervial mucus looks like. Without fail, every time we're mind romp he asks, is your egg ready?!?! ohgeezandrice

If the tech people ever look into my seach words on google they would die. If they looked at the images, they would vomit, then die.

I've become obssesed with peeing on ovulations test kits.
It's pathetic really.

State of J-Berg

Fall weather is fast approaching. It was crisp, sunny and semi cool last night as I walked through my office parking lot to my car. As soon as I turned my car out of the parking lot I began plotting my run through the neighborhood. I couldn't wait to lace up my running shoes and have at it.

I picked up a C25K session back from where I started. Week Four Day 2. Two 10 minute runs with a three minute walking break in between. My first running session went amazing well. I was so happy to be moving. I watched my shadow stretch out cross the pavement, admiring my form and as cut through a smaller street to hit the main drag.

When the rest session arrived, I was ready for it. By the time I was half way through the second running section, I hit the wall. I'm out of running shape. It disappointments me, but let's face it, we knew it was coming. As I walked the last two minutes of my run, I vowed to get back into the routine. The weather is beautiful, the humidity is low, it's about time I get back on the stick.

The only thing that saddens me, it's staying darker later in the mornings. When I get up, its just plain too dark to run for my comfort.  Again, that's life.

This week I will run on Wednesday and again on Sunday. I just need to make it work at this point.


I had my first SHRM meeting of the year. It was great to be earning Continuing Education Credits in a seminar environment versus a webinar. Webinars are some boring shit, let me tell you. While I was listening to the speaker drone on and on about Work Place Bullying, I looked to my left and noticed a colleague of mine. She's been on a WLJ of her own for the past year. She looked AMAZING. I couldn't get over it. She has always been a beautiful woman. Clear, radiant skin, pale blond hair, sparkling blue eyes. She just looks awesome.

Her journey inspired me to keep working on my own. Thanks Caroline for the kick in the pants!

As for the whole "making a baby thing." Interestingly enough, I never truly got my "." rather some spotting off and on for a few days. Coming off the pill does some crazy things to your body, that's for sure.

Although, I'm seeing where things are starting to level off a little bit. I'm not temping or anything too OCD (its a little early for that) however, my cervix and I have been spending a lot of time feeling each other out.
It's been an up close and personal experience, I assure you.


And finally, I turned 29. There were no fireworks, but I did have a nice pedicure and Mr. Berg took me out for a great dinner. He's awesome like that.

Thus, J-Berg is well and good.... well and good indeed.

Confessions...

I confess

• Friday my momma and I went out for lunch to celebrate our birthdays. I had black bean soup, a cheesy roasted pork melt, a glass of wine and we split a brownie with ice cream (duh, free birthday dessert!)
• I went home, had dinner and drank three more glasses of wine
• On my actaul birthday I ate very healthily until dinner, where I had a martini, two glasses of wine, an appeitizer, salad, dinner and home made birthday cake for dessert (Mr. Berg made it)
• Sunday I had fajitas, chips and salsa and more cake.
• Tonight, there will probably be more cake.
• I didn't work out Friday or Saturday
• I feel so fat!
• As I should, see above
• I cannot wait for Biggest Loser to start next week
• This weekend I am going to a wine festival, oh dear lord, my pants don't fit already
• I have googled cervial mucas stages more times then I can count, I never get the answer I want
• I over anaylze every sympton I've had of "." or pregnancy. I am the person I promised myself I wouldn't be.... the over anaylzer extrodinare.
• I really need to get back into running, but I haven't done it yet
• Tomorrow I will post something worth while.

Thoughts on Turning 29

Tomorrow I will celebrate my 29th trip around the sun. I can't believe how fast those years have gone.

Last year on my birthday I spoke about how much potential this year held for me. I wanted to make it a good year. I wanted to relish in the good things, find the silver lining in the bad things and be challenged each and every day.

While I didn't set out to accomplish those goals, armed with my checklist, clip board and pen, I can look back on this past year and know, I did those things. 

I found happiness in familiar places, cooking and creating in my kitchen, reading books that took me on excellence adventures from the comfort of my sofa. I celebrated fantastic moments with friends. I blazed new paths and took a lot of advice, some of which to my chagrin, along the way. I watched the ocean meet the shore in Delaware and Maine. I dressed up on Halloween, I wore matching pjs with my family at Christmas. I drank countless bottles of wine... trust me, its better not to count.

I grew my relationships with my friends, my family, my husband and most importantly myself. I said goodbye to beloved family member, I welcomed new spouses into my circle of friends, I cheered with the news of expanding families and look forward to seeing new homes as friends move into them.

All in all, when I look at this year I can say: I did go.

I set out on a WLJ that has been a success. I made time for myself and haven't gone more then a week without a workout. I learned to run, I learned to even like running. Who would have thought that would happen?

I saw places I had never seen before. I made friends with people I thought I would never met. I survived a lot of stressful moments, got myself out of some pretty tight spots (it helps that I'm 10 pounds lighter).

There is nothing about this year that has disappointed me or left me feeling unfulfilled. I have no regrets and no things I wish I could change.

And with that, I welcome a new year, a new set of challenges and a new beginning.
29
I would say, how did I get here? But I know. I know how I got here. I worked my way here slowly, day by day, moment by moment. And it is good. It is all so very, very good.

The Before 30 Bucket List

Last night I found myself lying in bed, not sleeping. As Mr. Berg sawed an entire forest next to me, I found myself thinking about my upcoming birthday. There are a few things I want to do prior to turning 30. As of today, I have one year and a three days to accomplish this goal.

None of these goals are lofty or incredibly hard. They are just things I'd like to accomplish. Feathers to put in my cap.

Here's My List:

Professional

• Complete Job Descriptions for Key Areas of Family Owned Inc.
• Complete a Successful Year at Mentoring Program.

Health and Fitness

• Run a 5K- Even if it's just around my neighboorhood
• Explore the new walking path at the park near my house
• Continue to Workout 3-5 Days a Week

In the Kitchen

• Make a Thanksgiving Style Turkey Dinner (since I don't actually cook anything at real Thanksgiving)
• Make a Brisket Dinner (this is a lot coming from a girl that doesn't eat beef)
• Make Homemade Dinner Rolls

Leisure Time

• Read 12 Books (a book a month)

Travel

• Plan an Overnight Get Away for Mr. Berg and Me
• Visit the Philadelphia Zoo
• Visit the Baltimore Aquarium

Personal

• Make a Baby
• Go Wine Tasting (The VA Wine Festival that I attend every year, without fail, does not count)

Weight Loss Blog or Having A Baby Blog?

We are switching gears today.
I need to write this all out so I don't feel like I'm going crazy. Please feel free to by pass this posting (not that anybody reads this stuff anyway).

I know this issue is the size of a grain of sand in reality. In my head, it is Mt. Rushmore. This is me, blowing something out of proportion. I'm aware.


August 18th was the day I took my last BC pill. It was monumental, there were fireworks.... not really. I just took the pill, talked about it here and moved on.

August 21st, I got my "." and the TTC process began.

This morning I got my "." again...... Does that make sense? Fastest Cycle Ever? Probably.

I knew the coming off the pill would be hard on my body. I knew that things wouldn't work correctly right away. However, I really thought things would swing in the opposite direction. I just figured I would get a "." for a long while.

16 days later, here we are.

I must say though, if 16 days is all it takesto get my body back on the right track, this might not be a bad thing.

I am excited to have a baby. I am excited to begin this process and see where things take us.
So far, it's been a lot of fun.
Mr. Berg would agree.

BC pills typically suck the drive right out of me.
Without the pill, things are not sucked... well... things are sucked but.... anyway....

There is really no point to this post. I just wanted to discuss where we're at, what's currently happened and to have a written record of what's going on. Otherwise, I will forget.

Oh and to answer my title post question:
This is a life blog, not a weight loss blog or a baby blog.
And right now my life is about losing weight and having a baby. But not simulantiously.

September

How is it September already?

Summer is almost over. The stores are now pushing pumpkins and mums down our throats. The WW board that I frequent is already discussing Halloween costumes and my co-worker just asked me when I'd be making pumpkin Whoopie Pies.

Hold up people, it's just barely September. It's 80 degrees outside.

As much as I want to deny it, it's true. September is here, the nights are getting cooler, the very tips of the trees are started to turn orange and Pumpkin Spice Lattes are all over Starbucks. College football will be all over my TV this weekend. (Not that I'm complaining. I love me some college football.)

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life lately. I am in a much better place this year then I was last year. I'm 10 pounds skinner, my job is busy and full, my marriage is awesome and my friends are happy and healthy. Especially S, she's just bursting with excitement as we wait for Baby Bean to arrive.

I'm glad that September is Self Improvement Month. After a crazy busy summer, it's nice to take some time to reflect on myself and where I am in this flowing river of life.
My goals aren't very specific. But my intentions are pure.
I hope to focus on making myself as healthy as possible for my future family.

Mr. Berg and I are ready to expand Casa de Berg. Bring on the babies.
With that, I'm going to try to lay off the wine. (I know! I know! It blows my mind too!!!)
I'm also adding an additional serving of milk to my daily routine. I already get in a lot of calcium every day, but babies suck the nutrients out of you, it probably wouldn't hurt to get in some extra milk.
I'm also more mindful about my workouts. I'm concentrating on lots of core movements, cardio and strength training. Anything to help create a healthy home for 9 months and a quick exit after all is said and done :)

So, healthy eating and exercise.... that's not much different from usual.

I also want to spend more time focusing on the here and now. So often I'm looking ahead, hoping for the next exciting thing. I'm always dreaming of an exciting vacation or a trip away with friends or a life different from the one I already have.

I have an amazing life. I need to focus on that. Life is short, you never know when it will be gone.

So, here we go. Focus on the here and now, exercise early and often and be mindful of the things that go in my mouth.

Easy enough.


Happy September Ya'll.