The Struggle

There is a constant struggle going on within my head lately. It consumes my thoughts and takes over a good part of my day. The battle has been waging for over a year, however, since going off of BC, it has only gotten worse.

The logical side of my mind knows that I have been off BC for just under a month. I have yet to regulate, I have yet to have my first real non hormonal period and I have yet to really understand what my body is doing. Getting pregnant is going to take time. Ovulating is going to take time. The chances of getting pregnant right now are pretty much slim to none.

This does not make sense to the bitter, pissed off side of me. The side that knows we've put off TTC for 6 months. The side of me that wishes I had just thrown BC out the window in June and used other methods of protection.

This side of me is bitter, pissed off and sad. I want to be a mother. I want to make a baby with my husband. I want to see Mr. Berg as a father and I want to raise our child to be strong and independent and sensitive and kind. I was to see my parents as grand parents, I want to make my brother an Uncle. I long to feel my belly grow as our baby develops month by month.

I found myself in the baby aisle of our local Target a few weeks ago, picking out a gift for my very favorite friend. My heart swelled with anticipation as I lovingly fingered terry cloth baby towels and debated the finer points of ducks versus monkeys. I ended up going with the cute yellow ducks, she's only twelve weeks along. Despite her inner voice telling her she's pregnant with a girl, she may very well have a little penis inside her. (giggle)

I want to have a baby along with her. I want my child to know that Aunt S lives near the ocean. I want to hear the giggles of little toddlers as they waddle in the sand and play together in the bathtub.
I want to be able to call her at 5:45 in the morning to say "my kid just projectile vomited all over the cat, what's yours up to?"

I wish I could have my life go exactly the way I planned for it, but if anything, I should know, life is what happens when you're busy making plans. Just like how I "thought" I knew what GI Joe would be the one, like I "thought" my first date with Mr. Berg would only be a free dinner and nothing more. I once moved to Virginia and felt 100% sure I would never return to Family Owned Inc, yet here I am.

I need to embrace that good things take time. My logical side knows this.
The part of me that wants to become a mother, will never understand.

Clearly, I Spend Too Much Time on the WW 20's Board

September is Self Improvement Month.

At least, that's what all the cool girls are saying on the WW 20's Board.

I like it.

September is the start of my favorite season, fall. It is also the month of my birthday and the month of new beginnings.

I think I'm going to embrace it and see what self improvements I can make this month.

I don't have a lot of concrete ideas in my head just yet. But I am thinking about it and hopefully tomorrow, I'll have some better answers. I've wanted to make sure the last year of my 20's is a good one, I want to challenge myself and I want to do better for myself. Let's see if I can make that happen.

200 Posts Later

Well, hot damn! It's my 200th post ya'll.

I should probably have prepared an outline for a well written post complete with insights into my soul, witty comments and stary gazes at my hopes and dreams for the future.

Instead, you're going to hear about how much I hated the month of June, the events I'm looking forward to and why I'm not so worried about my weight anymore.

NO WAY!

First things first, June:

June Sucked!

From unexpected deaths, to the vacation from hell and overly busy schedules. Mr. Berg and I haven't had a much time for ourselves as we would have liked. We spent a majority of the month running around like chickens with our heads cut off.

Even our wedding anniversary kinda sucked. Mr. Berg was sick and I sick of hearing about how he was sick. So, everyone was sick with or of something.
Lovely!

I had never been so happy to see July 1st in my whole life.

Events I'm Looking Forward To:Two weeks from tomorrow Mr. Berg and I will head south for a good friend's wedding. Truth be told, we haven't bought a wedding gift yet.
Another truth be told: We aren't 100% sure this wedding is taking place.

So, I'm not obsessing about what I'm going to wear or how I should do my hair. Instead, as the event grows closer and it does in fact appear to be happening, I'll pull out a dress that will hopefully fit and I'll regift something for the "happy" couple.
August will provide two weekends at the Shore. One for Labor Day and one for Mr. President's Birthday.

Then comes September. My birthday. I'll be 10 pounds skinner this birthday!

And finally,  a weekend in Vegas with The Mama and Mr. President for my cousin's wedding.

I'm probably the most excited about this one and it's for totally vain reasons.
I won't go into details, you'll think less of me.
Why I'm Not So Worried About My Weight:

I've been hovering on or around the same weight for a while now. I've come to the decision that it might be where my body wants to be. If that's the case. I welcome it.
However, I need to work on being more fit. There's a little more flub on my body then I'd like to see. There a little less muscle definition then I'm comfortable with.

And so, I challenge myself to find a way to incorporate three types of effective workouts into my weekly routine.

Cardio Weight Training- Firm Work Outs Essentially
Straight Cardio- Running, Dancing, A Few Firm Work Outs
Yoga/Pilates- A Good Stretch Never Hurt Anyone.

With my increased focus on staying in shape versus losing weight I would like to say one thing. I haven't given up on WW. I haven't stopped tracking and I haven't stopping monitoring what goes in my mouth.
It is my hope that those things never stop for me. I am a hardcore believer in weight watchers. I am a FIRMBeliver. I hope the tools I have found through both of these life styles never leave me. I hope to incorporate these tools into my life for the rest of my life.

The destination to a healthy, active life hasn't changed. The journey to get there hasn't changes. It's just a different terrain. I'll always be trying, I'll always be challenging myself.

And I love that.

And so.... The Challenge Begins

Technically, I started my month of challenges a day early.

Saturday was beautiful. It needed to be embraced. So I ran.....

Mid morning on Saturday I laced up my sneakers, queued up my Ipod-complete with Couch to 5K Ap and set out on my newest adventure.

It couldn't have been a worse day to run in my neighborhood. It was community yard sale day. Good Grief, there were people every where. But it didn't stop me I weaved in and out of the people, running, walking and grooving to the music.

It was truly awesome.

When the 30 minutes was up, I was in awe of myself. I survived and it wasn't that hard.
I broke a sweat, my breathing was labored at times but when it all came down to it. I had an awesome time.

I couldn't wait to keep moving. So I went home and did some additional work out videos before hitting the shower.

Tonight, after work, will be my second run. I'm really looking forward to it.

So far, I've enjoyed the challenge.

Tonight, running aside, I will be challenging myself again.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm cooking fish!

This evenings menu includes Parmesan cous cous, steamed broccoli with EVOO and Lemon Garlic Tilapia!!
This will be an adventure. Mr. Berg is really excited.
I'm nervous, although, I'm not sure why.
I doubt fish is hard to cook.


So, welcome May.
I'm excited for the adventure :)