Where'd She Go?

Wednesday night I needed to move some files from my laptop onto a jump drive to bring with me to work. Seeing as I realized this AFTER I got home from work, I didn't bring my trusty "blue" with me. (Blue is my work jump drive, it's blue, thus the name- creative huh?)

Instead I grabbed a spare jump drive from the living room side table and set out to work on my documents.
In the process, I noticed a file labeled "Old Laptop."

Not remembering what it was, I clicked on it.

Little did I know but the files within were a time capsule from many, many years ago.
All of my undergraduate papers where there, catagorized and labeled by class and year.
All of my graduate course work was there too.
And the most better sweet part: Pictures, music files and some old emails. All from the GI Joe Area.

It was amazing to go back to that time in my life.
I went through the music first. SpeakerBox and the Love Below, OAR, Toby Keith, John Mayer, they were all there. A snipet of the songs I studied to, drank to, drove to and lord only knows what else to.
All of those memories, those moments were almost decade ago but for that night, I could relive them all over again. I embraced it, savored it and mourned it all at the same time. College, the best years of my life. I didn't realize how much I missed them until that moment.

Then came time for the pictures. There weren't many, most are in a box somewhere in the guest room.
But what I  found, were powerful. They were two sets.

The first- the last two weekends I spent with GI. There were even pictures of my very last day with him.
A day I hardly remember anymore, but there I was, smiling blissfully.
I can't help but miss who I was, when I look at those pictures, smiling away with the man I swore I'd spend the rest of my life with. That girl was skinnier, tanner and blonder. But she didn't have a friggin clue. She had no idea her hurt would be broken into a million pieces, she had no idea how close she was to big crash.
The life she loved was hanging by it's last thread, and she didn't have a clue.  I wish I would have warned her, not that she would have listened.



The second- pictures of my graduate school graduation. Mr. Berg and Me. My family, Mr. Berg's Dad, my brother, my friends.

I couldn't help but think the girl in those pictures appeared a little bit wiser, a little more knowing and whole lot more aware.
I don't have to tell that girl a thing. She had it all together. As my Meems would say "She had her head on straight."

She picked herself up and moved right along with life. Sure there were days she didn't want to get out of bed becasue she her heart hurt so much. Sure she drank a little too much, kissed a few too many men and spent a few nights calling her ex boyfriend. But in the end, she got it together.
She wrapped herself up in her friends, she made a new life for herself and she got through graduate school while working full time to support herself.
She did alright with herself.

And she is me.



And I couldn't be more proud of her if I tried.

Strange

I've been known to have wild, crazy, vivid dreams. Once before I married Mr.Berg I dreamt that I was hiding in the bushes in my undergarments on our wedding day watching him marry his ex-girlfriend. She was even wearing MY WEDDING DRESS.

So, suffice to say, I'm never shocked when I wake up in the morning and recall my dreams.

However, last night's dream threw me for a loop.

I dreamed I was working at Family Owned Inc. only we weren't working in our current office building. We were still in our old building. Mind you, that building burnt down when I was four. However, I could recall almost every detail, where certain chairs were, how it smelled. Everything.

I confirmed the layout, furniture, chairs, etc with Mr. President this morning. He also thinks it's weird.

While I was there I was looking for my Grandma, my real Grandma. I never met her in real life, she never appeared in my dream.

I never met my Grandma because she died when Mr. President was 12.

I never looked for my Grandpa, I knew is was gone.
He died when I was 24.

Yet,  in my dream I stood in his office for awhile. Just looking, admiring, taking it all in. Everything was still in place. The green 70's style chairs and sofa, that now sit in storage, where shining and new. His desk, now my father's, was piled with papers.

I can't help but wonder, what does it all mean? Why did I dream of them last night? What were they trying to tell me?


For the record:
I also dreamt their were slot machines lining the walls of the hallways and waiting area. (They never existed)
I also saw a senior citizens group sitting in the conference room painting mailboxes. (Again, never happened)