Tales of a Wondering Mind

I do a lot of thinking during my early morning workouts. It's my time to focus on myself, my ever evolving to-do lists, my general thoughts about my life, my family, my world.... Sure, I'm also sweating my ass off and silently cursing Jillian Michaels and her squat jumps but that goes without saying. All and all, it is my time to just let my mind wonder and it does.

I wonder about Ryan and what he'll be like as a young boy. Will he ride his bike all over the neighborhood? Will he like sports? I secretly hope he'll like baseball and want to play on a little league team. He has such an awesome arm at 19 months.

I wonder about the house that we love, that's for sale right now, a year earlier then we'd like it to be. As much as we love it, I know we can't afford it and it's beautiful kitchen and wide open spaces right now..... Man I wish we won the lottery.

I wonder if we'll ever get a dog or if we'll always say we'll get a dog with X,Y or Z happens then never do....Sort of like that trip we keep saying we want to take to a Beaches Resort or Disney World.

Back in November we said we'd start trying for another baby in March after we got back from our trip. That seemed like an easy idea at the time. Now March is almost here and I wonder how long long it will take to get pregnant this time. And should we actually get pregnant, where will we put said baby when it arrives?

Mr. Berg often says I don't seem to be as excited for Baby #2 as I was when we were trying for Ryan. It's a hard thing to explain to him. Yes, the excitement is there, it's absolutely there. The hopes of another positive test, the flicker of a heart beat on a screen, the kicks and rolls and finding out if you're shopping for pink or blue. I can't wait for all of that. But what scares me, what never stops whispering back in a quiet corner of my mind is that fear of what might happen.... More postpartum hypertension, medications that don't work and medications that do, more damage to the already damaged blood vessels of my left eye, more anemia from significant blood loss? Those things, they weren't exactly what I'd call fun

I long for another baby and I know we aren't getting any younger. Mr. Berg refuses to be an old parent. Having been raised by parents who were almost 40 when they had him, he often felt lost is his own family. (I realize this is not the case for everyone). I'm already past the age my parents were when they had my younger brother. I know that the timing is right. It's just hard to fathom how your heart can expand with that much more love for another child. Yet, somehow, I am very confident it will.

All of this is exciting stuff, just heavy too. We're almost ready to jump off the cliff and take another leap of faith. I just hope the landing is as sweet as it was the last time.