On My Mind, Today

Lately there has been a lot on my mind and I just don't know where to go with it. Most of it is really random and silly, but other things are a bit heavier.

For starters, the silly things:

I really miss running. I know I could run if I wanted to, there is no law saying I can't. I'm just not. Mostly because it's cold outside, I become more and more clumsy every day and finally, I get winded walking up the steps. Do you know what actual running would do to me? I'd die, simple as that.

Also, I'm afraid of getting to the opposite of my neighborhood and having to pee. I don't know the neighbors on that end, I can't just use anyone's bathroom now can I?

I am really anxious to find out what Baby Berg is. I'm very much convinced there's a boy in there. But what if I'm wrong? What if all my feelings are off? I won't be upset if I find out we're having a girl. If anything, I'll be thrilled at the thought of having a daughter. But I'll still be mad at myself for being wrong. Does that even make sense?

We'll be having pulled pork sandwiches for Valentine's Day. Something about that just seems wrong.

We are interviewing two pediatricians offices next week. What if I really hate both of them? What if I don't ask the right questions? Better yet, what if Mr. Berg asks too many questions?

Bob bit his babysitter this past weekend. Bob doesn't bite people, ever. If the sitter had said Sophie did it, I wouldn't have thought twice. She's the feisty one. Bob on the other hand is a gentle, docile, giant. I can count on one hand the number of times he's bitten me. All the bites happened because I was messing with his sore hips or scarred up belly. He only bites if he's hurting. So, I feel confident that the sitter was playing too rough and he let her know. But I still feel bad about it.


And for the heavy stuff:

We have yet to locate a replacement for me with the mentoring program I volunteer with. I know I should be concerned and I'm really not. I truly feel like after May 8th, it won't be my problem anymore. With that said, it bothers me that I'm not more concerned about it. I just can't bring myself to be concerned.

E and I have been talking a lot lately. Be it email or the phone, there aren't too many days that go by that we aren't in contact. On Monday she told me that she's been praying that God silence the mouths of those who do not wish for E to reconcile with her husband. While almost no one knows what is going on, there are a select few people who do. Most have been very supportive, one couple has not.
I don't know if I support reconciliation, I don't know if it's my place to hope for one outcome or another. I've been questioning God a lot lately. If she needs these voices to be silenced, why hasn't mine? Is it because I don't know if she should or not? Is it because I believe in my heart of hearts that he's not coming back?
I'm choosing to believe, that God is urging me to be there for E because regardless of the outcome of this terrible situation, I will support her.
If they do reconcile, I'll dance at their 50th wedding anniversary party. If he never speaks to her again, I'll be there with hugs and wine and love.

I can't begin to say what I would do if I were in that situation. I don't think it's my place to tell E what to do.
So, I'm just going to listen instead.

Sooner then later, I will have to approach my "family" as in those that I work with, about changing my schedule to allow me to be home with Baby Berg one day a week. I know this is going to go over like a turd in the punch bowl. I dread it every single day. But it needs to be done.

With any luck, I will be 100% debt free by the end of the March. I'm thrilled! I've been very concerned about my lingering credit card debt. It is 100% my fault for having it. I wish I could say it was the result of this, that or the other more reasonable excuse. But not, my debt, my problem.

I'll be taking 12 weeks of medical leave when Baby Berg is born. My income will be just about zero for most of that. Thus, it's important to me that I have as few expenses as possible. Credit card debt does not need to be one of them.

And yes, I'm still just as concerned as ever about the fat mom sticker on my medical chart at the doctor's office. So much so, that I weigh myself every morning and every night. I'm still holding strong at 7.5 above my prepregnancy weight.

Who's determined to not get the dumb sticker? This girl!