The Struggle

There is a constant struggle going on within my head lately. It consumes my thoughts and takes over a good part of my day. The battle has been waging for over a year, however, since going off of BC, it has only gotten worse.

The logical side of my mind knows that I have been off BC for just under a month. I have yet to regulate, I have yet to have my first real non hormonal period and I have yet to really understand what my body is doing. Getting pregnant is going to take time. Ovulating is going to take time. The chances of getting pregnant right now are pretty much slim to none.

This does not make sense to the bitter, pissed off side of me. The side that knows we've put off TTC for 6 months. The side of me that wishes I had just thrown BC out the window in June and used other methods of protection.

This side of me is bitter, pissed off and sad. I want to be a mother. I want to make a baby with my husband. I want to see Mr. Berg as a father and I want to raise our child to be strong and independent and sensitive and kind. I was to see my parents as grand parents, I want to make my brother an Uncle. I long to feel my belly grow as our baby develops month by month.

I found myself in the baby aisle of our local Target a few weeks ago, picking out a gift for my very favorite friend. My heart swelled with anticipation as I lovingly fingered terry cloth baby towels and debated the finer points of ducks versus monkeys. I ended up going with the cute yellow ducks, she's only twelve weeks along. Despite her inner voice telling her she's pregnant with a girl, she may very well have a little penis inside her. (giggle)

I want to have a baby along with her. I want my child to know that Aunt S lives near the ocean. I want to hear the giggles of little toddlers as they waddle in the sand and play together in the bathtub.
I want to be able to call her at 5:45 in the morning to say "my kid just projectile vomited all over the cat, what's yours up to?"

I wish I could have my life go exactly the way I planned for it, but if anything, I should know, life is what happens when you're busy making plans. Just like how I "thought" I knew what GI Joe would be the one, like I "thought" my first date with Mr. Berg would only be a free dinner and nothing more. I once moved to Virginia and felt 100% sure I would never return to Family Owned Inc, yet here I am.

I need to embrace that good things take time. My logical side knows this.
The part of me that wants to become a mother, will never understand.