For Christine

It was about this time three years ago I joined a Facebook group of moms who were all due with babies in July 2012. I don't remember who got me involved, or how exactly I became active in the group. i think over time it just happened  

At first I was afraid to post anything. What if they didn't like me? What if I spelled too many words wrong and said the wrong thing? They all seemed so much cooler then me and much more with it. Before long, I learned that my fears were unfounded and they like me, were just trying to make their way in their own worlds. To be good wives, good mothers, good people. I have found more support in that tiny group of women then I have any where else in the world. Although I don't know a single one of them personally, nor have I ever met a single one face to face, they are my tribe.

We have lifted each other up through the death of parents, friends and spouses. We have rallied when one of us is down or has  a sick child or a broken family. We do, not because we feel obligated to, or because it's forced, we do because we believe in each other. We believe in the gift of friendship and motherhood and that fact that it takes a village not only to raise a child to but to keep ourselves together as well. They are amazing and I am just lucky to be a part of it.

Yesterday we learned that tragic news that we lost one of our own this past weekend. Christine's life was taken by the hands of her husband, who then took his own life. She leaves behind two children and an extended family who all loved her more then words can ever say. I cannot imagine what that night must have been like for her or what the following days have been like for her family. I am just dumbfounded by all of it.

Christine was funny, witty and smart. She was a mother, a sister, a daughter, a wife, a friend and a follow member of my mom tribe. The beauty of having a friend on a facebook group is that you can research and find past posts in moments. You don't have to wait for a memory to find its way back to the front of your brain. It's all right there.

I spent my evening reading back over posts Christine had started or commented on. She was hysterical. I saw a lot of myself in her and I'd like to think if we met in person we probably would have been instant friends. She was quick with her opinions, steadfast in her support of all of us and quick to say what others were thinking. She was my kind of girl.

But she, like so many of us, held a secret. Things weren't always good at home and the one who vowed to love, honor and cherish her didn't always honor those vows. While a few of us knew there was some dysfunction, none of us knew the extent of the issues or how bad it really was. She painted a pretty picture, just like we all do, and we believed it for what it was, just like we all hope with our own.

I wish we could have done something. I wish we could have helped in some way. I wish she would have said something, anything....

I wish I had the magic to create the words that needed to be written that could heal our broken hearts and return Christine to her children. Unfortunately, that type of magic just doesn't exist and its just plain not fair.