Let's face it, we are all afraid of monsters. Some are imaginary like the ones under our beds, in our closets or casting shadows from the corners of our bedrooms. Others are as real as came be, bad guys out to harm us, take from us or worse.... and finally, there are the monsters that live in our memories. We can go days, weeks, even years without so much as a peep from them and then out of nowhere they return. We lay our heads down at night after a perfectly productive, normal day and suddenly there they are, replaying our darkest fears onto the backs of our eyes. Sights, sounds, even smells return from the deepest recesses of our minds, long forgotten thoughts are now as real as they day they occurred.
That's what I'm facing right now. I have half jokingly, half seriously referred to it as PTDD or Post Traumatic Delivery Disorder. I feel semi qualified to say this as my post delivery notes have marked in them "traumatic delivery." (This combined with my medical degree from WebMD makes me totally qualified to make such statements... right?)
During the day, I don't think much of the complications I faced at my last delivery. I went through most of my first and second trimesters without giving it much thought. My medical team has an amazing care plan in place. My lab work has always come back stellar, my blood pressure remains old lady low, just like normal. At every appointment, my doctors smile when they go over my current labs, always saying, everything is text book, everything is normal... and then they sigh and say "But you were exactly like this the last time ."
This is code for: you could totally be going down the same path as last time. We just don't know yet.
As I moved closer and closer to my third trimester, the monsters in my head started to wake up. I scrutinize every muscle ache, every braxton hicks, every strange feeling. A headache is never just a headache anymore, tired contact weary eyes are never allowed to falter. I worry more between 9:00pm and when I fall sleep then I'll worry all day. It's justified, but it's annoying.
I close my eyes to sleep and suddenly I can hear the sounds of monitors going off, the clamor of people entering the delivery room. I can see the worried looks in the nurses faces, the stone cold serious expression that suddenly appeared on my typically affable doctor's face when he entered the room and took in everything that was happening. Worse still, while I can hazily remember my son's first cries, I can clearly remember the sound of my own blood hitting the floor.
I don't dare bring it up to Mr. Berg. It scares the hell out of him even now. He's putting on a brave face, we both are. But we both know the road ahead could be even worse this time around. It could be the same, it could be totally text book. We just won't know until we get there.
It's the unknown the monsters feed on. The what ifs that make them rear their ugly heads and growl in the nights. I try my best to acknowledge their presence and move on. Fear has it's value, I'd rather go in understanding my fears and the motives behind them, then try to ignore them and end needing sedation.
All I can do now is remain brave and know that I'm doing everything I can to prevent what happened before. It's in God's hands now and I trust him. I trust him to see us through.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
27 Week Update
How far along are you: 27 weeks... Hello Third Trimester
Fruit/ Veggie: Baby Boy is the size of a head of cauliflower.. when I was 27 weeks with Ryan I thought cauliflower was gross. This time around, I know better :)
Baby bump: All belly, all the time. And some really attractive love handles, isn't that special.
Gender: BOY!!! I am so freaking excited about having two boys. It's going to be so neat.
Stretch Marks: Nothing new, I do a stretch mark inspection every day. Much to the chagrin of my husband.
Sleep: I love me some sleep. I will say, I haven't needed to go to bed as early as usual which is nice. I know it won't last long... third tri problems.....
Cravings: I still want all the sugar, all the time. I remember hitting this phase with Ryan. Kettle corn and oreos are my drugs of choice right now... Again, it needs to stop.
What Makes Me Wanna Gag: Empty stomach, I'm like an infant, I need to eat every couple of hours.
Exercise: Ryan is my exercise.
Mood: 75% of the time I am excited and relaxed, 20% of the time I'm trying to wrap my head around getting his room ready, washing clothes, etc. And then there's the 5% of the time where the monsters come out.... saving that topic for a later post.
Movement: He's trying to climb out my right side, I swear to it. I also notice he really responds to Ryan. Anytime Ryan starts talking or crying, I feel baby boy move. It's really cute.
Movement: He's trying to climb out my right side, I swear to it. I also notice he really responds to Ryan. Anytime Ryan starts talking or crying, I feel baby boy move. It's really cute.
Favorite thing this week: Picking out furniture for Baby Boy's room. Mr. Berg won the furniture battle this time. But I must say, I do really like what we picked out.
Excited For: Again, finishing the gosh durn basement! It's the bottle neck to my nesting process.
.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
10 Reasons It Is Just Better I'm a Boy Mom
- Boogers and snot to not phase me
- I can't do hair. I spent 35 minutes this morning attempting "an easy, 5 minute hair style" only to end up wearing my hair in a high ponytail.
The twist me pretty website was not designed for knuckle heads like myself. - SEC Football
- Boy clothes are easier to mix and match.
- I remember the shit I pulled with my parents. I'm not about to live through that.
- I work in a male dominated industry, if there were a bunch of girls at my house, I'd just be confused.
- I DO NOT SHARE MY LILLY PULITZER
- I bring enough pink and green to our house, any more would just be overkill
- I have no idea what to do with Barbie Dolls... I never played with them
- Boy Bands... no, just no
- Bonus Reason: With girls, I have to worry about all the penises, with boys, I just have to worry about theirs :)
Monday, February 23, 2015
With 14 Weeks to Go
On Thursday I'll be entering the great 3rd trimester. Somebody hold me......
By this time in my first pregnancy, most of our baby furniture was here. The guest room was cleaned out, the paint colors had been determined, the registry was completed, the bedding was ready to go and the tiny clothing was sorted and ready to be washed.
This time around.....
Oh my......
We know where Baby Boy's room is going to be. That's a start, right?
Okay, in reality maybe it really isn't so bad.
As of Saturday, we ordered Baby Boy's furniture. It will be arriving in the next three weeks.
His bedding has arrived.
I have some idea of window coverings, I just need to go find them.
There are bags and bags of baby clothes, somewhere, in our house, I think.....
His room is currently our office and our office is currently packed full of crap.
There in lies the problem... We are facing a log jam.
Our basement is in purgatory. We are in the middle of a painting overhaul that has taken twice the amount of time Mr. Berg had planned (note only 1 week longer then I had planned). We needed to paint the basement because it was ugly. Really, really, really ugly. Like fire engine red paint, tan paint and some sort of butter yellow paint wall combination.
It was so ugly that no one wanted to spend a lot of time down there. We didn't realize it until we started painting and suddenly the whole room appeared larger, warmer and more friendly.
I'm telling you all of this to now tell you that we're painting on basement so we can turn it into our bar, playroom, and office area. Basically, most of Mr. Berg's office is moving down, so we can then turn the old office into a new nursery. We can do neither thing until the basement is painted and the furniture is moved around.
Fun right?
I keep telling myself that it will all fall into place faster then I realize. But then I look at the office and the amount of crap that's shoved in there and I can't help but think we'll still be cleaning it out when my water breaks.
AUGH!
Fingers crossed, this all goes well.....
By this time in my first pregnancy, most of our baby furniture was here. The guest room was cleaned out, the paint colors had been determined, the registry was completed, the bedding was ready to go and the tiny clothing was sorted and ready to be washed.
This time around.....
Oh my......
We know where Baby Boy's room is going to be. That's a start, right?
Okay, in reality maybe it really isn't so bad.
As of Saturday, we ordered Baby Boy's furniture. It will be arriving in the next three weeks.
His bedding has arrived.
I have some idea of window coverings, I just need to go find them.
There are bags and bags of baby clothes, somewhere, in our house, I think.....
His room is currently our office and our office is currently packed full of crap.
There in lies the problem... We are facing a log jam.
Our basement is in purgatory. We are in the middle of a painting overhaul that has taken twice the amount of time Mr. Berg had planned (note only 1 week longer then I had planned). We needed to paint the basement because it was ugly. Really, really, really ugly. Like fire engine red paint, tan paint and some sort of butter yellow paint wall combination.
It was so ugly that no one wanted to spend a lot of time down there. We didn't realize it until we started painting and suddenly the whole room appeared larger, warmer and more friendly.
I'm telling you all of this to now tell you that we're painting on basement so we can turn it into our bar, playroom, and office area. Basically, most of Mr. Berg's office is moving down, so we can then turn the old office into a new nursery. We can do neither thing until the basement is painted and the furniture is moved around.
Fun right?
I keep telling myself that it will all fall into place faster then I realize. But then I look at the office and the amount of crap that's shoved in there and I can't help but think we'll still be cleaning it out when my water breaks.
AUGH!
Fingers crossed, this all goes well.....
Thursday, February 19, 2015
26 Week Update
How far along are you: 26 weeks
Fruit/ Veggie: Baby Boy is the size of a head of lettuce.. which seems awfully big if you ask me.
Baby bump: It is definitely there and getting larger and rounder by the day. I like to tell people I look like a capital letter B- all boobs, all belly, all day.
Gender: BOY!!! A boy who just might have a name.... As usual, we are down to two first/middle name combinations and we will figure it out when he gets here.
Stretch Marks: Still blessed with nothing new but there's still a long, long way to go.
Sleep: Like the dead again.... although charlie horses are starting to plague me first thing in the morning. My poor left leg, it's taken a beating this week. Also, I'm pretty convinced I had Pregnancy Rhinitis. I wake up every night completely unable to breathe out of my nose. I have to stand up, use saline spray, wait until I can finally blow my nose and then I'm pretty good.
I'm finding that if I remember to use saline spray before I go to bed, I am in much better shape. But I have scrambled eggs for brains lately, so I forget.
I'm finding that if I remember to use saline spray before I go to bed, I am in much better shape. But I have scrambled eggs for brains lately, so I forget.
Cravings: I have cut myself off of candy hearts (real talk: I ran out and didn't buy a new bag) I'm trying to focus on whole, clean foods again. Mostly, food that requires little thought or is easy to prepare. This could explain the junk food consumption lately.
All of that to say: food just doesn't excite me right now. It happened with Ryan and it's happening again. Coming from someone who typically considers herself a foodie, it is just hard. I don't want to not like food :(
All of that to say: food just doesn't excite me right now. It happened with Ryan and it's happening again. Coming from someone who typically considers herself a foodie, it is just hard. I don't want to not like food :(
What Makes Me Wanna Gag: Empty stomach and sometimes my fish oil pills give me a hard time.
Exercise: Walking up the steps while carrying a toddler, his three blankets and five stuffed animals. Plus, his sippy cup, a sword and anything I think I might want.
Mood: Starting to feel the anxiousness of what's to come.
Movement: He's trying to climb out my right side, I swear to it.
Movement: He's trying to climb out my right side, I swear to it.
Favorite thing this week: Watching Ryan learn and grow- he's really coming into his own.
Excited For: Finishing the freaking basement. Seriously, it's been at a stand still for over a week because of Mr. Berg's back problems. Hopefully we will get a large chunk of it done this weekend. Mr. Berg is planning on getting started again tonight with the hopes of knocking out a large chunk of it this weekend.
I'm not holding my breath- this project has been nothing short of a nightmare. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.
I'm ready for the extra space and room for Ryan to run and play. Plus, it's going to be so darn pretty when all is said and done.
I'm not holding my breath- this project has been nothing short of a nightmare. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.
I'm ready for the extra space and room for Ryan to run and play. Plus, it's going to be so darn pretty when all is said and done.
.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Fat Tuesday
If you're living in Central Pennsylvania right now, you're probably using this day as an excuse to eat a doughnut or a fastnacht..... which is basically a doughnut.... made with potato flour. Here is PA we will use any excuse to cook with potatoes or noodles. Bonus points if you include both.
Because I am a good little PA Dutch woman, I did have a doughnut. Typically, I'm not a huge doughnut fan, but a dunkin' chocolate glaze fits the bill every now and again. Plus, it's my Fat Tuesday duty.
Anyway....
I figured Fat Tuesday would be the perfect time to discuss my current situation.... I am nothing but bumps. If you were to run into me at any given location right now you would see nothing but bumps. I am all boobs and all belly.
Like seriously, I look like the letter B.
Any time I complain I'm met with the same response: But you're pregnant.
Yes, I know. But that doesn't mean I have to like the bumps.
For the record: I love the process of pregnancy. I don't necessary like the looking like a house part.
I'm ready to have my body back. Too bad I have approximately 15 more weeks of this.
I've been giving myself a really hard time about how quickly I started showing this time around. I swear I POAS and twenty minutes later my pants didn't fit. It was pretty disturbing for me, especially when I was wearing my favorite skinny jeans well into my second trimester with Ryan. I have felt nothing but large since the middle of September.
In truth, I compared my weight gain from my first pregnancy to my second. While I started this pregnancy 10 pounds heavier, I am pound for pound with this pregnancy. Yes, I gained a little steadier this time around, but number for number, I'm equal.
I can't complain. I am healthy, baby boy is healthy and we're rolling to the 3rd trimester later this month with zero concerns. Could I really ask for more?
This is my last pregnancy. While there is a part of me that can't wait to get my body back and return to some heavy workouts, there is another, equally size part of me, that is enjoying the slower pace of being pregnant and the eating what I want (within reason). It's an ever changing balancing act. Some days I have a better time with being realistic about my situation. Other times, not so much.
Perhaps I'd be in better shape if I didn't have my brother's wedding hanging over my head. Knowing that three short months after having Baby Boy I'll be squeezing into a bridesmaid dress isn't exactly thrilling.
Don't get me wrong-
Baby Brother Getting Married = Thrilling
Bridesmaid Dress 3 Months Postpartum NOT thrilling
Whatareyagonnado?!
Because I am a good little PA Dutch woman, I did have a doughnut. Typically, I'm not a huge doughnut fan, but a dunkin' chocolate glaze fits the bill every now and again. Plus, it's my Fat Tuesday duty.
Anyway....
I figured Fat Tuesday would be the perfect time to discuss my current situation.... I am nothing but bumps. If you were to run into me at any given location right now you would see nothing but bumps. I am all boobs and all belly.
Like seriously, I look like the letter B.
Any time I complain I'm met with the same response: But you're pregnant.
Yes, I know. But that doesn't mean I have to like the bumps.
For the record: I love the process of pregnancy. I don't necessary like the looking like a house part.
I'm ready to have my body back. Too bad I have approximately 15 more weeks of this.
I've been giving myself a really hard time about how quickly I started showing this time around. I swear I POAS and twenty minutes later my pants didn't fit. It was pretty disturbing for me, especially when I was wearing my favorite skinny jeans well into my second trimester with Ryan. I have felt nothing but large since the middle of September.
In truth, I compared my weight gain from my first pregnancy to my second. While I started this pregnancy 10 pounds heavier, I am pound for pound with this pregnancy. Yes, I gained a little steadier this time around, but number for number, I'm equal.
I can't complain. I am healthy, baby boy is healthy and we're rolling to the 3rd trimester later this month with zero concerns. Could I really ask for more?
This is my last pregnancy. While there is a part of me that can't wait to get my body back and return to some heavy workouts, there is another, equally size part of me, that is enjoying the slower pace of being pregnant and the eating what I want (within reason). It's an ever changing balancing act. Some days I have a better time with being realistic about my situation. Other times, not so much.
Perhaps I'd be in better shape if I didn't have my brother's wedding hanging over my head. Knowing that three short months after having Baby Boy I'll be squeezing into a bridesmaid dress isn't exactly thrilling.
Don't get me wrong-
Baby Brother Getting Married = Thrilling
Bridesmaid Dress 3 Months Postpartum NOT thrilling
Whatareyagonnado?!
Friday, February 13, 2015
Love Weekend...
Happy Early Valentine's Day!
This weekend of love will be spent chasing a busy toddler and nursing an injured husband, while doing laundry, cooking and hopefully listing a bunch of crap I don't need on Ebay. Doesn't that sound like fun?
Poor Mr. Berg injured his back on Monday in the most pathetic of ways..... He was lifting a cooler filled with ice and full growlers of beer when he thought he tweeked it. The minor tweek had ended up being a deep muscle sprain requiring steroids, muscle relaxers and pain medicine. Poor guy, he isn't allowed to lift more then a gallon of milk weight wise.... This if fine except, that leaves all the lifting to me... that and the shoveling.... have I mentioned we're getting snow this weekend.
Fan-freaking-tastic.
So basically.... I am going to LOVE this weekend.
It will all be okay, I promise. Mr. Berg has done an excellent job of taking care of me lately. It's only fair I return the favor. That being said. as terrible of a patient as I am, Mr. Berg is forty times worse. This should be fun!
Meanwhile.....
I stayed up late last night making Pinterest worthy Minions Valentines using twinkees, construction paper and tape. I was so proud of my creations, complete with personalized heart shapes labels that boosted the phrase "Valentine, you're one in a minion!"
This morning I proudly displayed my creations for Ryan to view. "Look, Buddy! I made minions..." Ryan looked quizzically at the 10 minions lined up on the kitchen counter before stating "Mama, those not minions, those tin-kees."
Thanks, kid. Thanks a lot.
This weekend of love will be spent chasing a busy toddler and nursing an injured husband, while doing laundry, cooking and hopefully listing a bunch of crap I don't need on Ebay. Doesn't that sound like fun?
Poor Mr. Berg injured his back on Monday in the most pathetic of ways..... He was lifting a cooler filled with ice and full growlers of beer when he thought he tweeked it. The minor tweek had ended up being a deep muscle sprain requiring steroids, muscle relaxers and pain medicine. Poor guy, he isn't allowed to lift more then a gallon of milk weight wise.... This if fine except, that leaves all the lifting to me... that and the shoveling.... have I mentioned we're getting snow this weekend.
Fan-freaking-tastic.
So basically.... I am going to LOVE this weekend.
It will all be okay, I promise. Mr. Berg has done an excellent job of taking care of me lately. It's only fair I return the favor. That being said. as terrible of a patient as I am, Mr. Berg is forty times worse. This should be fun!
Meanwhile.....
I stayed up late last night making Pinterest worthy Minions Valentines using twinkees, construction paper and tape. I was so proud of my creations, complete with personalized heart shapes labels that boosted the phrase "Valentine, you're one in a minion!"
This morning I proudly displayed my creations for Ryan to view. "Look, Buddy! I made minions..." Ryan looked quizzically at the 10 minions lined up on the kitchen counter before stating "Mama, those not minions, those tin-kees."
Thanks, kid. Thanks a lot.
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