At the Risk of Sounding Like an Alarmist....

There is a strong, strong possibility I will be attending Pit Master School tomorrow looking like an Paris Hilton in the early 2000's.

{sigh... I guess I have to tell you the whole story......}

I am pale. Like scary pale.... as in, if I were any more pale, I would be transparent.
A few months ago, one of the moms in my 2012 Summer Mom's Group recommended a really awesome self tanning package. I bought it on Amazon{.}com immediately and stowed it under the bathroom sink, behind a bunch of stuff. Thus, forgetting all about it. Until today, when I was in the shower pondering what in the world I was going to wear to Pit Master School tomorrow.

So, I finished my shower, dried off, and dug out the self tanner kit. The first sign of impending disaster was the fact that I needed Mr. Berg's little nail scissors to open the box. He hates that.

The contents of the box included the bottle of self tanner, the spray cap, rubber gloves, a fuzzy mitt thing and finally directions. I sort of read them.

All was going well until I realized I was half way through putting it on my arms and legs and I hadn't put on my glasses..... This could be a problem.

So, I have it on my arms and legs. The directions suggested putting the stuff on in a circular motion. Which would have been fine EXCEPT the fuzzy glove slips all over the place because rubber gloves make for a shitty foundation. Yeah..... So I just rubbed it on how ever I could.

I smell amazing.
But I won't know if I'll look amazing for another 4-7 hours.


I also tried dry shampoo for the first time in well, ever.
My hair also smells amazing.
It's stiff as a board but it smells fantastic.

Does try shampoo ever make you think of your Great Grandma? It does for me.

I bet my Great Grandma never used self tanner.

Anyway... tomorrow will be interesting enough with Pit Master School. I just stepped it up a notch. Bring on the tan!


Happy Weekend Everyone!

My Attempts at Being a Nice Wife are Going to Be the Death of Me..... or Why I Signed up for Pit Master School

I love my husband with every fiber of my being.  I do. He is the peas to my carrots, the gin to my tonic, the olive to my martini. However, his idea of couples bonding activities are sometimes far from... well... fun.

Many months ago, a community activities flyer showed up in the mail. I read it, signed up for yoga class and threw the flyer away.... or so I thought. The next day I got home from work and found the same flyer on the kitchen table, this time with a red circle around one of the class descriptions.

So naturally, I read it:

 

 

Would you like to BBQ like a pro in your own backyard? Now you

can!  A Real BBQ Pit Master will teach you how

to BBQ low and slow like the guys competing on TV. Students

will be guided through the preparation, cooking and serving of

pulled pork, chicken, ribs, and baked beans in the true Southern

BBQ style. The instructor will also demonstrate how to make a BBQ rub

and homemade BBQ sauce. Students will learn the techniques

to master the Q and be the envy of all! After the demonstration,

students will feast on everything that is cooked, so bring your

appetite! This will be a full day of learning, participating, and

eating! All you will need for the class is a note pad and pen to take

notes. Recipes will be supplied.

Class will be held outside from 8:30am to 3:30pm at Local High School

 

 

Oh hell no!!!

Don't get me wrong. I love BBQ. I didn't spent 10 years living in Virginia for nothing.
However, I would rather just go to a restaurant and eat it instead of spending all day cooking it.

So I made the flyer disappear. And for two glorious days, he didn't notice it was gone.

Then the weekend rolled around and his memory returned. (shit!)
First I told him I didn't know what he was talking about (it seemed reasonable), then I said maybe it got mixed up with some papers in his office (liar!) and finally I blamed the cleaning lady..... It would have worked had the cleaning lady actually be in our house that week. (whoops)

Then Mr. Berg got smart and found the flyer on the internet. (God, I hate technology sometimes)

And so, I'm going to Pit Master School on Saturday. When we registered I figured it would be a nice day since it was only the 1st of June. WRONG AGAIN! It's supposed to be sunny, humid and 90 degrees on Saturday. So I'll be standing on hot pavement, in the sunshine, staring at a perfectly wonderful air conditioned school, that I can't go inside.

Augh.
Meanwhile, Mr. Berg is practically floating he is so excited.



I love my husband, I love my husband, I love my husband.

Little Victories

Did you hear a lot of hooting and hollering going on this past Monday around 2pm or so?

It was me! I was switching out my closets. Out with the fall/winter stuff and in with the spring/summer stuff.

And guess what?

EVERYTHING FIT!

That's right. Size 6 shorts, they fit!
Capri pants I was positive wouldn't see the light of summer.... fit!
Dresses I loved for so many years... Fit!

It was probably the most awesome 15 minutes of my weekend.

Now, things are in no way, shape or form perfect. Far from it in most cases.
But just knowing I can slide those short up over my hips.... incredible.

The post baby flabby skin and muffin top? Ehhh not so much.

All in good time, all in good time.

Mothering, 10 Day Cleanse and Moving

That's a lot of stuff for a Monday huh?

Truly, this should be three separate posts. But I'm lazy.... like, really, really lazy. So here goes a 3 in 1 post.


Mothering:

Little Man is a handful. He's mobile and he knows it. For example, last Tuesday he was spending the day with my Mom per usual. In the span of 15 minutes he managed to knock over some baskets she had displayed next to table, nearly knock over a floor lap while playing with the cord and then threw her slippers into the toilet. When my mom told me this story I laughed with gusto and stupidly told myself that shit would never happen at my house.

ha! Ha! HA!

I am so stupid.

Sunday, in the span of 10 minutes Ryan managed to pull the cat's tail, climb up half a flight of steps in hot pursuit of Mr. Berg's flip flops, and then high tail it to the bathroom room where he demolished 2/3 a roll of toilet paper.

And on Monday, he ate half the grocery store circular. I so wish I was making that up. And for the record, he was on Mr. Berg's watch when that happened.
#2awesomeparentsrighthere

Oh and to add to the fun:
Monday we attended a Memorial Day Picnic with my family at the Country Club. (Don't get too excited, it isn't that kind of Country Club.)
It was warm and sunny when we left the house. It was cloudy and freezing when we got there. Guess who didn't bring a jacket for our short sleeved wearing little guy.

Yup, this Mom.

#motheringdoesnotcomenaturallyforsomepeople

Cleansing:

I leave for Germany in 10 days. I have given it no more thought other then to think "Oh I should probably worry about that."
I haven't.

Other then I have researched the food. Other then beer, pretzels, and fried pork, I'm not sure what to think about eating. I'm not 100% sure I'll find anything green there. Salads? Haven't seen a menu that had one thus far.
Tell me people eat green stuff, not covered in butter in Germany...

Anyway. As soon as I get back, I'm doing a 10 day cleanse. I figure after drinking a million gallons of beer and eating my way through the old country, I'm going to need something to kick start my weight loss and get me thinking about healthy eating again.

Enter the Advocare 10 Day Cleanse. All the cool mom's are doing it. I might as well.

The Advocare Cleanse is in no way, shape or form a quick fix. Rather, it's a reset button. I want to get out of vacation mode and into a more realistic life style.
10 days of clean eating, no dairy products, no caffeine (wtf?) and no wheat.
Typically, I'm not one to support that type of restricted diet. I truly believe moderation is key for anything in life. With that said, I drank 2 bottles of wine this weekend, ate my weight in Oreos and pizza and added extra cheese anywhere I could. CLEARLY, I HAVE ISSUES WITH MODERATION.

So, I'm going to hit the reset button and try to rethink my daily habits.

Moving:
Do we stay or do we go now......

Mr. Berg and I are considering moving. We love out little house on the hill, however, that's exactly the houses problem. It's LITTLE.
We are rapidly outgrowing our house. We have a space problem. We might also have a hoarding problem. So, right now we are trying to decided if we need to move or if we need to be happy with what we have and find ways to repurpose the space that we have.

At the current moment, we have decided to tour several homes we think we "like" if it turns out we "love" one, we will consider making the move.
If we don't, we will stay.

We aren't 100% sold on either option yet. However, deep in my heart, I feel we are probably smarter to wait another year or two  and make do with what we've got.

Sleep Training Ain't Easy....

Oh my...... nobody warned me about this....

Little Man is 10 months old. And in his lifetime he's slept through the night probably 10 times. Yeah, you read that right. 10.


Oy! Mama is so tired.

I completely blame this problem on Little Man's parents. We keep feeding him when he wakes up in the middle of the night. Why? Because when we fed him and he would go back to sleep. Thus, we could go back to sleep. No tears, no fussing, just sleep. Perfect, glorious, magnificent sleep.

Except, now Little Man is 10 months old and he's far too old to be pulling this crap. Plus, he know thinks middle of the night wake ups are play time. He hardly drinks his bottles. Instead he pulls at our ears and noses. Tries to play peek-a-boo and generally drives us insane.

So, Monday night we attempted to stop feeding him in the middle of the night.
(I should add that I made this decision when he woke up. Not prior to going to bed. I am INSANE)

What? Cold Turkey??

We aren't that mean. In 8 of the 10 nights prior, Little Man drank maybe 1-2oz of the 4oz we prepared for him. So don't freak out, he wasn't really drinking it anyway.

Monday night he cried, fussed, whined and finally screamed for a bottle. I held him off for 45 minutes and probably could have gone all night, but he got himself so worked up. It wasn't fair. So, he drank his 4oz and went to sleep. He slept until morning.

Tuesday night Mr. Berg went in when hestarted fussing. He was able to rock him and get him back to sleep. Which lasted an entire 20 minutes before he woke up mad. I went in, rocked him, shushed my face off and finally after another 30 minutes gave in and gave him a bottle. He promptly drank it and went back to sleep, staying asleep until morning.

I woke up Wednesday morning unsure if I should count this as a victory or a defeat. But I promised myself to stick with it.

Last night he was up at 1:30am. Mr. Berg went him and got him back to sleep quickly.
He slept until almost 3:30am before waking again.
I went in, rocked him, shushed him and he went back to sleep just before 4am.
And slept until 6am.

No middle of the night bottle needed.

So, again, do I count this as a victory or defeat?

Victory on the no bottle front
Defeat on the sleep front.

I keep telling myself that once he figured out there are no bottles to be had, he'll start sleeping longer.
True? I can pretend right?

Meanwhile, there just isn't enough coffee in the world right now.

Wouldn't Have Listened Anyway

A few weeks ago I had a crazy dream regarding GI Joe. (I know, it shocked me too)

I hadn't thought of him for a long, long time until one night I was running about of songs to sing to little man. For whatever reason, Matchbox 20's Bright Lights popped into my head and I sang it. All the while, remembering someone who broke my heart and the feelings of desperation, loss and devastation that followed those moments in my life. Gosh, it feels it was a life time of sadness but in reality, it wasn't more then a couple of months.

Later I put a little boy down in his crib and smiled to myself thinking about how amazing my life turned out to be.
Later that night, my subconscious went to work.

In my dream I knew that I wasn't married, didn't have a child and was on my own. I was attending some sort of business function and was staying at a hotel. In my dream, I knew there was a possibility I would run into GI Joe.

*side note: That probably stems from a real life fear/concern that I might run into GI Joe in an airport someday. I have no idea what that's a concern for me, but it is. I'm strange- I know*

Anyway.....

As the dream goes on I end up running into GI Joe. We saw each other from across the lobby and walked towards one another. We embrace, kiss and look into each others eyes. Then I suddenly felt a sinking feeling and found myself looking down at my hands searching for my wedding band and engagement ring. My fingers were empty, there was dent in my skin where my rings were to be. I remember asking for my family, for my husband, my son... and someone said to me "You aren't married, you don't have a husband. You don't have any children."

And then I woke up, completely devastated.

It took my a while to wake up and inventory my life. My husband was sleeping next to me, my son was sleeping across the hall. I looked at my hand and admired my rings, finally calming down and relaxing back into my pillows.

I wish I could go back and tell the old, sad and broken me how awesome life was about to get. How it is always darkest before the dawn. How, the darkness I felt that was just the start of a whole new and amazing life that was just around the corner.

I wish I would tell her those things. But the truth is, we all know she wouldn't have listened anyway. 23 year olds are annoying like that.

Recently at the Berg House

Mr. Berg: Where did this Kate Spade bag come from?

JBerg: It was on our door step on Thursday when I got home from work

MB: How did it get there?

JB: UPS

MB: You know that's not what I meant

JB: Well, then what did you mean?

MB: I thought you said you weren't going to buy anymore purses?

JB: I did

MB: So what is this?

JB: A Tote Bag

MB: {Raises Eye Brow}
JB: There is a difference!

MB: {look of death}

JB: {shrugs shoulders and walks away}



Seriously, what am I going to do with him?