For whatever reason, I'm having a hard time coming here lately. I haven't been able to really put my finger on why, but I'm willing to take a guess. Do you really, really want to hear about another weight loss battle? I've been whining about the size of my ass for how long now?!
Oy!
But in truth, this space is a good place for me. It's a safe space for airing my stretched out laundry.
So let's wrap up this week:
I started the Advocare 24 Day Challenge on Monday. This is my first time doing it with the "new" 10 Day Cleanse. So, instead of Fiber in the beginning and the end with a break in the middle, I'm chug, chug, chugging for 10 days straight.
I am so not a fan of the fiber drink. However, the unflavored kind really isn't that bad. It could be worse, it could be citrus flavored.... VOM!!
I've been sticking to the eating plan, drinking lots of water and I'm down 2.5 pounds already, which is a little bit over 1/3 of the way to my diet bet goal. Can't beat that.
Jillian and I started seeing each other again last week. We have a daily lunch time date, where she kicks my ass and I try hard not to complain about it. We both feel better 30-38 minutes later.
I feel so much more clear headed and focused with a daily workout. I can't believe how quickly I forget those things.
The plague hit the Berg house, for the 50th time this season.... okay the 3rd, but still.
Wednesday afternoon I had to pick up both boys early with pink eye, Wednesday night Jacob spiked a high fever. One late night run to the doctor's office and a second trip to the pharmacy later, we're treating a double ear infection. Thursday morning Ryan woke up with a cough and a fever, another trip to the doctor and a 3rd visit to Walgreen's in 24 hours and what to do you know, respiratory infection. YAY!!
Amazingly, everyone woke up super happy and ready to roll this morning. THANK YOU JESUS.
Good news, I still got in a workout and my diet was on point. {brushes shoulders off} Thank you very much!
All in all, I can't kick myself this week. I know I did a great job. And yes, there is still a shadow of disappointment hanging over my head. My jeans don't fit, there's fat rolls where fat rolls shouldn't be, 40% of my closet is currently off limits since nothing fits. It would be easy to wallow in that. Yet, I'm trying my best to look on the bright side.
It could be so much worse. I could be sitting around whining and not doing anything.
Instead, I'm trying my best to do everything I'm capable of to make a healthier life for myself.
I can do this.
Friday, January 15, 2016
Friday, January 8, 2016
Time to Face the Music
And so it begins, again.
I'm 20 pounds over weight and I hate it! HATE IT.
I knew when I went back to work that it would be harder for me to get my workouts in. The 4:30am workouts I'd grown used to and loved so much weren't hacking it. With a little infant with a sporadic sleep schedule, there just wasn't enough sleep being had. Plus, he must be equiped with radar, he knows when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake. So if I'm awake, he's awake too.
I knew when I went back to work that it would be harder for me to get my workouts in. The 4:30am workouts I'd grown used to and loved so much weren't hacking it. With a little infant with a sporadic sleep schedule, there just wasn't enough sleep being had. Plus, he must be equiped with radar, he knows when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake. So if I'm awake, he's awake too.
The lack of workouts started a vicious cycles of lacking energy, which lead to poor choices when it came to food, which lead to feeling yucky, which lead to frustration and then finally Jessica saying "fuck it" and eating all the things.
And now my jeans don't fit..... like at all, I'm down to two pairs of suitable dress pants and back when I was skinny I outlawed leggins at work so basically, I'm FUCKED.
Not to mention my skin is mess, I'm short on energy and I have a deep feeling of dissatisfaction that can only be described as self loathing. Enough is enough.
This this weekend I'll be drinking all the wine because starting Monday- no wine. Advocare 24 Day Challenge, here I come.
I started easing in this week. Sensible meals, working out with my girl Jillian and just reminding myself to be flexible, to find a way to make it work.
It's not always easy, but it's what needs to be done.
That and I joined in on two diet bets. One through my mom's board, another through the amazing Mama Laughlin. The extra motivation might just be the extra kick in the pants that I need to get back on it.
Since I gave up my 4:30am sweat sessions, I've been squeezing in workouts over lunch or in between meetings, At some point I'm sure I'll be dragging my weights into work with me to workout in my office over lunch. But, thankfully, my house isn't far from my office and I have the ability to run home so I'm making it work. Plus, the mid day work out gives me the extra energy I need to get through the day and the evening.
That and I joined in on two diet bets. One through my mom's board, another through the amazing Mama Laughlin. The extra motivation might just be the extra kick in the pants that I need to get back on it.
Since I gave up my 4:30am sweat sessions, I've been squeezing in workouts over lunch or in between meetings, At some point I'm sure I'll be dragging my weights into work with me to workout in my office over lunch. But, thankfully, my house isn't far from my office and I have the ability to run home so I'm making it work. Plus, the mid day work out gives me the extra energy I need to get through the day and the evening.
I'm already starting to feel better.
But 20 pounds? Seriously..... how did that happen?
Thursday, December 3, 2015
The Story I'm Not Allow to Tell in Real Life.
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of traumatic trip, that started at the urologist office, the day my husband went to get sniped! (Okay, that's close enough to the Gilligan's theme song)
So, my husband got a vasectomy.
And before you start in on how the baby is only sixmonths old, isn't that a little rushed, etc. etc. Let me tell you this: Once upon a time we dreamed of getting married, have two baby boys and calling our family complete. Fast forward a couple of years and we're married, we have two baby boys and my doctor has kindly asked that we not have anymore babies. Here's why: I came dangerously close to bleeding to death when I had Ryan, I had another pretty close call with Jacob. Yes, less scary, but scary none the less. We're pretty sure a third time would not be a charm,
That, and we hit our deductible and out of pocket maximum this year, thus earning us a free vasectomy
Isn't that special? Our hands our full and we earned a free medical procedure.
My husband made me swear up and down, on a bible, on top of a grave, that I would not tell a soul about his procedure.
So naturally, I told my mom, my co-worker, two moms at daycare and well, all of you.
All secrets are safe with me.... or something like that......
So anyway.....
Back in September my husband had his initial appointment with the urologist to discuss the procedure. Being the team player (read: nosy wife) that I am, I went along for moral support. I didn't really have questions or anything to add, google had already taught me what I needed to know.... or so I thought.
What google did not tell me was that I'd be made to watch an "educational" video prior to talking with the doctor. Worse yet, it was really just an infomercial, produced in the 80's that included animated erections, real live scrotums and a diagram of ejaculations with and without swimmers that looked similar to pac-man.
I could not deal. Not even a little bit... I laughed so hard there were tears rolling down my face. At certain parts I had to cover my eyes. Meanwhile Mr. Berg is sitting in the chair next to me with a murderous look on his face. Clearly, this was not going well.
By the time the doctor finally arrived, I had gotten over that fact we were there to talk about penises, my husband's in particular. I also realized about half way through our meeting that I knew him. I went to high school with his son.... and had a major crush on said son... All things I kept to myself.
Long story short, all ofour my husband's questions were answers, we schedule the date for the procedure and went our merry way.
Until three days prior to the procedure when my husband decided to ask his friend about his procedure experience....
You know how we all have that one overly dramatic, pain in the ass friend, who always had the worst experience at whatever it was you're doing in the near future.... yeah, he's that friend.
Why, Husband? Why?
Ensure melt down about how our doctor's office won't give my husband any hard drugs and how his balls are basically going to fall off and how much pain he will be in FOR MONTHS, YEARS EVEN.
Yeah... not buying it.
I spent many hours smiling, nodding and fake sympathizing. Dude- unless you're going to piss a TV out of your penis, it's not going to trump child birth.... EVER.
By procedure day, I was ready to cancel and tie my own tubes.... the tubes my husband refused to let me tie after I had Jacob because "I'd been through enough already." His words, not mine.
Thankfully, my husband woke up on procedure day without any dramatic notions. However, I did have to promise (again) that I wouldn't tell anyone, not even anyone in the waiting room. Which, I didn't. However, the cat went way out of the bag after he got called back.
As I was sitting in the waiting room, minding my own business, waiting for all to be said and done, a nurse stuck her head out of the door to the exam rooms and said "Mrs. Berg..... the doctor just finished the first side, he'll be cutting the tube to the other side momentarily."
I died right then and there.... along with the seven other people in the waiting room who were trying not to obviously look at me while stifling their laughter.
Mr. Berg was none the wiser when he returned to the waiting room 30 minutes later.
And thankfully, exactly 48 hours after his procedure he declared his friend the biggest wuss alive and returned to life as normal.
So, my husband got a vasectomy.
And before you start in on how the baby is only sixmonths old, isn't that a little rushed, etc. etc. Let me tell you this: Once upon a time we dreamed of getting married, have two baby boys and calling our family complete. Fast forward a couple of years and we're married, we have two baby boys and my doctor has kindly asked that we not have anymore babies. Here's why: I came dangerously close to bleeding to death when I had Ryan, I had another pretty close call with Jacob. Yes, less scary, but scary none the less. We're pretty sure a third time would not be a charm,
That, and we hit our deductible and out of pocket maximum this year, thus earning us a free vasectomy
Isn't that special? Our hands our full and we earned a free medical procedure.
My husband made me swear up and down, on a bible, on top of a grave, that I would not tell a soul about his procedure.
So naturally, I told my mom, my co-worker, two moms at daycare and well, all of you.
All secrets are safe with me.... or something like that......
So anyway.....
Back in September my husband had his initial appointment with the urologist to discuss the procedure. Being the team player (read: nosy wife) that I am, I went along for moral support. I didn't really have questions or anything to add, google had already taught me what I needed to know.... or so I thought.
What google did not tell me was that I'd be made to watch an "educational" video prior to talking with the doctor. Worse yet, it was really just an infomercial, produced in the 80's that included animated erections, real live scrotums and a diagram of ejaculations with and without swimmers that looked similar to pac-man.
I could not deal. Not even a little bit... I laughed so hard there were tears rolling down my face. At certain parts I had to cover my eyes. Meanwhile Mr. Berg is sitting in the chair next to me with a murderous look on his face. Clearly, this was not going well.
By the time the doctor finally arrived, I had gotten over that fact we were there to talk about penises, my husband's in particular. I also realized about half way through our meeting that I knew him. I went to high school with his son.... and had a major crush on said son... All things I kept to myself.
Long story short, all of
Until three days prior to the procedure when my husband decided to ask his friend about his procedure experience....
You know how we all have that one overly dramatic, pain in the ass friend, who always had the worst experience at whatever it was you're doing in the near future.... yeah, he's that friend.
Why, Husband? Why?
Ensure melt down about how our doctor's office won't give my husband any hard drugs and how his balls are basically going to fall off and how much pain he will be in FOR MONTHS, YEARS EVEN.
Yeah... not buying it.
I spent many hours smiling, nodding and fake sympathizing. Dude- unless you're going to piss a TV out of your penis, it's not going to trump child birth.... EVER.
By procedure day, I was ready to cancel and tie my own tubes.... the tubes my husband refused to let me tie after I had Jacob because "I'd been through enough already." His words, not mine.
Thankfully, my husband woke up on procedure day without any dramatic notions. However, I did have to promise (again) that I wouldn't tell anyone, not even anyone in the waiting room. Which, I didn't. However, the cat went way out of the bag after he got called back.
As I was sitting in the waiting room, minding my own business, waiting for all to be said and done, a nurse stuck her head out of the door to the exam rooms and said "Mrs. Berg..... the doctor just finished the first side, he'll be cutting the tube to the other side momentarily."
I died right then and there.... along with the seven other people in the waiting room who were trying not to obviously look at me while stifling their laughter.
Mr. Berg was none the wiser when he returned to the waiting room 30 minutes later.
And thankfully, exactly 48 hours after his procedure he declared his friend the biggest wuss alive and returned to life as normal.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Me in Progress
I have started and stopped this post so many times. I've written long paragraphs, typed out bullet points, agonized over sentence structure.... only to turn around and delete what I wrote because it just didn't feel right. It didn't feel like me.
As of today I've been back to work for 7 weeks. In that time I stared out with a bang, everything on point. It lasted a week. Then we all got sick with the germs from hades. As soon as we recovered from the germs from hades, Jacob decided to hit the fourth month sleep regression with gusto. Fun right? We no sooner got over that hump and Mr. Berg decided to take his last class for his master's degree. While this is fantastic, it really is, it left me alone with two kids... A LOT.
What does this list of excuses me to you? It means I'd no sooner find my footing, only to lose it again.... but isn't that life?....... Probably.
For six weeks I rode the wave, without putting any emphasis on me. I didn't work out, I didn't follow any type of eating plan, although I remained mindful. I didn't gain any weight. I didn't really drop any either, maybe about 5 pounds? I've been through bouts of negative self talk, I've reminded myself that it all takes time. I've pondered joining weight watcher, getting liposuction, wiring my jaw shut and giving up wine.
Give up wine? Jessica, seriously?
I've realized over the past week or so that my life is always going to be crazy, having two kids does that to a person. The more I plan, the better off I am. 4:30am really, truly is the only time I'm ever going to get a work out in, I'm just going to have to get over it. I'll always be a work in progress. Why on God's green earth would I ever give up wine? That's just stupid.
I gave up working out and all the things I need to get back to feeling like me because I was having a hard time putting me first. That's the long and the short of it. The only way I'm ever going to reach the goals I want to reach is to make myself a priority.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
The Germs from Hades
Within the first weeks after I returned to work after having had Ryan, our entire house was sick. Mr. Berg and I lovingly referred to it as the germs from hell.
Having used up all my personal time on maternity leave and refusing to play the "I'm too sick to come into work" card (we just don't do that in my family) I found myself hacking at my desk, surrounded by tissues, hot tea and cough drops.
My Dad came to visit me on his daily walk around the office and found me in my pathetic state, blurry eyed, staring at a computer screen trying my best to be productive. He laughed and told me this:
Just wait, the next five years will be the sickest of your life! I remember when your mom and I had you and your brother. Someone in the house was always sick. Just wait, you'll have another and the germs will multiply.
I never forgot that statement. So today, once again, I report live from my desk, surrounded by tissues, hot tea and cough drops. I (gasp) took the afternoon off yesterday since I have a strict don't come to work with a fever policy.... Well, technically, I kind of broke that rule, but my fever wasn't confirmed until 11:30am.
Anyway...
We're all sick.
I keep reminding myself to practice grace (and good hand washing).
Here's hoping for a better next week. One that doesn't kill us all.
Having used up all my personal time on maternity leave and refusing to play the "I'm too sick to come into work" card (we just don't do that in my family) I found myself hacking at my desk, surrounded by tissues, hot tea and cough drops.
My Dad came to visit me on his daily walk around the office and found me in my pathetic state, blurry eyed, staring at a computer screen trying my best to be productive. He laughed and told me this:
Just wait, the next five years will be the sickest of your life! I remember when your mom and I had you and your brother. Someone in the house was always sick. Just wait, you'll have another and the germs will multiply.
I never forgot that statement. So today, once again, I report live from my desk, surrounded by tissues, hot tea and cough drops. I (gasp) took the afternoon off yesterday since I have a strict don't come to work with a fever policy.... Well, technically, I kind of broke that rule, but my fever wasn't confirmed until 11:30am.
Anyway...
We're all sick.
I keep reminding myself to practice grace (and good hand washing).
Here's hoping for a better next week. One that doesn't kill us all.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Grace and the Working Mom
I returned to work three weeks ago.
I anticipated it being a really hard day for me, however, it ended up being a pretty good one. I credit the fact that I was still on a high from my brother's wedding the previous Friday, an awesome daycare that ensure I don't have to worry (too much) about my children while they're there, and having started transitioning back to work a two days a week for a couple of hours started at 8 weeks. Being thrown into a 5 hour budget meeting within 15 minutes of walking in the door also helps, no easy transitioning for this girl.
All in all, the whole "going back to work" thing hasn't been terrible. The first week Jacob slept like a champ, which allowed me the opportunity to work out every morning before heading into work. The second week we decided to transition from the rock and play to the crib. So, no one got any sleep and my workoutd fell by the way side. I got my workout in yesterday morning but didn't today as Jacob decided he'd like to be awake just for shits and giggles.... thanks kid!
I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. I have a four month old and I'm not the ever consistent Skinny Meg, there will be missed workouts. There will be times when I sneak my kid's jelly beans and eating cold left over macaroni and cheese for the fridge will happen.
Last week Mr. Berg and I both had a few late nights for work related things. I had to work on my birthday. Because Ryan is so into birthdays and loves the idea of birthday parties we didn't tell him about my birthday until Saturday. I didn't realize how bummed I'd be about it. But, I really was. It wasn't the fact that I didn't get a cake or that my birthday once again fell on a inconvenient day., it was the fact that I didn't get to share it with my sons. While my husband was at home wrangling children, I was sitting on the floor of the registration area, while apprenticeship orientation took place, putting together snack bags for Ryan's daycare class. He was to be the special student the following day and there was no way he was going to school without the best prepackaged snacks this mom could offer.
My mom always made homemade treats. There are kids in his class that send in homemade treats every time. I had every intention to make banana muffins.... Ryan brought Frozen themed bags of pretzels and apple sauce pouches (the organic kind no less).
I am learning that being a mom requires the giving of a lot of grace. It means overlooking the fact that you came home to a huge mess the night your husband had the kids on his own. Afterall, the kids are happy, well fed and in bed. It means laughing at yourself when you realized you brought your infants bottles to school without the nipples or saying yes to that extra bag of fruit snacks so you can have five minutes to get dinner out of the crock pot and onto plates.
I am not perfect. I've fallen down on the job at work and at home more times then I'd care to count in the last three weeks. But I keep going.
I keep going because I love my family, I love my job and I believe that wearing both hats it part of my make up. My life before children is a blur. Mr. Berg and I often wonder what life was like before we had our boys. My life with children is equal parts hard and fulfilling and a whole lot of wonderful.
I love my family, I love my job and I truly believe I can have both.
Will it be perfect? No
Will there be days I'm ready to throw in the towel? Absolutely
Should I start apologizing to my liver about the excessive wine consumption? Probably
Here's to grace
Here's to doing what you do
Here's to owning it
Only you can be you.
I anticipated it being a really hard day for me, however, it ended up being a pretty good one. I credit the fact that I was still on a high from my brother's wedding the previous Friday, an awesome daycare that ensure I don't have to worry (too much) about my children while they're there, and having started transitioning back to work a two days a week for a couple of hours started at 8 weeks. Being thrown into a 5 hour budget meeting within 15 minutes of walking in the door also helps, no easy transitioning for this girl.
All in all, the whole "going back to work" thing hasn't been terrible. The first week Jacob slept like a champ, which allowed me the opportunity to work out every morning before heading into work. The second week we decided to transition from the rock and play to the crib. So, no one got any sleep and my workoutd fell by the way side. I got my workout in yesterday morning but didn't today as Jacob decided he'd like to be awake just for shits and giggles.... thanks kid!
I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. I have a four month old and I'm not the ever consistent Skinny Meg, there will be missed workouts. There will be times when I sneak my kid's jelly beans and eating cold left over macaroni and cheese for the fridge will happen.
Last week Mr. Berg and I both had a few late nights for work related things. I had to work on my birthday. Because Ryan is so into birthdays and loves the idea of birthday parties we didn't tell him about my birthday until Saturday. I didn't realize how bummed I'd be about it. But, I really was. It wasn't the fact that I didn't get a cake or that my birthday once again fell on a inconvenient day., it was the fact that I didn't get to share it with my sons. While my husband was at home wrangling children, I was sitting on the floor of the registration area, while apprenticeship orientation took place, putting together snack bags for Ryan's daycare class. He was to be the special student the following day and there was no way he was going to school without the best prepackaged snacks this mom could offer.
My mom always made homemade treats. There are kids in his class that send in homemade treats every time. I had every intention to make banana muffins.... Ryan brought Frozen themed bags of pretzels and apple sauce pouches (the organic kind no less).
I am learning that being a mom requires the giving of a lot of grace. It means overlooking the fact that you came home to a huge mess the night your husband had the kids on his own. Afterall, the kids are happy, well fed and in bed. It means laughing at yourself when you realized you brought your infants bottles to school without the nipples or saying yes to that extra bag of fruit snacks so you can have five minutes to get dinner out of the crock pot and onto plates.
I am not perfect. I've fallen down on the job at work and at home more times then I'd care to count in the last three weeks. But I keep going.
I keep going because I love my family, I love my job and I believe that wearing both hats it part of my make up. My life before children is a blur. Mr. Berg and I often wonder what life was like before we had our boys. My life with children is equal parts hard and fulfilling and a whole lot of wonderful.
I love my family, I love my job and I truly believe I can have both.
Will it be perfect? No
Will there be days I'm ready to throw in the towel? Absolutely
Should I start apologizing to my liver about the excessive wine consumption? Probably
Here's to grace
Here's to doing what you do
Here's to owning it
Only you can be you.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
He's Here
Jacob David arrived on Sunday May 24th at 11:38pm. He is absolutely perfect. His delivery was absolutely perfect and since he's been home he's only been waking once a night to eat. In other words, I couldn't ask for better.
I've thought about blogging a lot in the past 8 days since he arrived but I've had trouble putting my fingers to the keys. Sure, I'm certainly busy with a toddler, a new born and a husband. But, truly, I don't really know what to tell you.
I could tell you about how I was labeled "the vomit-er" in labor and delivery.
I could tell you how amazing it was that every time my blood pressure cuff went off, and it went off a lot, it resulted in a perfectly normal albeit low reading.
I could tell you how back labor feel like being stabbed in the kidney.
I could tell you about how different it was to give birth with only three medical personnel in the room, instead of 17.
I could tell you how amazing it was to only face minor bleeding issues after delivery that resulted in the need for low dose iron instead of transfusions and other scary things.
I could tell you about how I don't need to wear long sleeves to cover the bruises from blown ivs and more blood draws then I could count, because I only have one tiny bruise that no one notices anyway.
I could tell you how euphoric this whole experience has been. How I didn't realize how robbed I was of my first maternity leave until I started my second one.
But honestly, I'm too busy enjoying all of this to give much thought to all of that.
I've thought about blogging a lot in the past 8 days since he arrived but I've had trouble putting my fingers to the keys. Sure, I'm certainly busy with a toddler, a new born and a husband. But, truly, I don't really know what to tell you.
I could tell you about how I was labeled "the vomit-er" in labor and delivery.
I could tell you how amazing it was that every time my blood pressure cuff went off, and it went off a lot, it resulted in a perfectly normal albeit low reading.
I could tell you how back labor feel like being stabbed in the kidney.
I could tell you about how different it was to give birth with only three medical personnel in the room, instead of 17.
I could tell you how amazing it was to only face minor bleeding issues after delivery that resulted in the need for low dose iron instead of transfusions and other scary things.
I could tell you about how I don't need to wear long sleeves to cover the bruises from blown ivs and more blood draws then I could count, because I only have one tiny bruise that no one notices anyway.
I could tell you how euphoric this whole experience has been. How I didn't realize how robbed I was of my first maternity leave until I started my second one.
But honestly, I'm too busy enjoying all of this to give much thought to all of that.
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