One Month Later

I keep pondering how I would like to start this post....

Little Man's birth did not go as planned.... except that I never really had a plan.
I could say it is the best of times and the worst of times... but that makes it sound like things are bleak and they are not.
Unexpected things happen at the most unexpected of times, but we all know that.

In short, I'm not really sure how to say I feel about the birth of Little Man other then to say, it didn't go as anticipated but the end result is fantastic. Things are not all well, despite my best efforts but regardless, there is a beautiful baby boy snoozing in the pack and play.

Mr. Berg and I should have realized that we were doomed Monday from the start when what should have been our 7:30am "Get your butt to the labor hall" phone call turned into "We be too busy for your butt" phone call. So we waited, and waited and finally at 11am we were called and told to be ready for induction at 1pm.

Baby Berg was 8 days late and could not be coerced into natural labor come full moon or low pressure system. Instead, he just moved up higher and held on for dear life.... see where this is going? Yeah, neither did I.

We were wisked back to our room and by 1:15 I was getting changed into a gown and our charge nurse was explaining the run down. We were given lots of wrist bands, paper work and fun facts. My nurse hooked me up to the fetal monitors and begin taking my vitals as another tech started taking my blood and getting my line started.

That's when again we should have realized we were in for it.

Despite the fact that I drank atleast a gallon of water prior to 1pm, the tech couldn't find a vein and when she finally did she couldn't get the needle in. In her words "I have tough skin." Seeing as I take everything personally and constantly have cuts, scrapes and bruises, I find that very hard to believe on any level.

Two blown up veins and blood draw that came up short, we were ready for vitals.

My blood pressure was high... my nurse assumed it was from the fun with needles I'd just endured and let it go.

She came back 15 minutes later and guess what.... my blood pressure was still high.

Never have I ever had high blood pressure, never once.

Shortly there after my doctor came into the room to access the situation. He furrowed his brow when he heard about the high blood pressure but chalked it up to nerves, my IV encounter and the fact that I was 8 days overdue. In his words, "you never had high blood pressure, this is probably nothing." And life went on.
We were all shocked but pleased to discover I was already 3cm dialated and 75% effaced. Progress, without even trying. Amensisterfriend.

From there it was determined we'd run some lab work, start pitocin and kick this bear in the ass. And so we did.

From 2:00pm to 4pm I labored under pitocin  The contractions were starting to get painful but they never really seemed to get consistent. Every half hour my dose was increased but nothing remarkable was happening.

At 5:30 my nurse was scheduled to leave so she assigned me to a new nurse, an awesome nurse,  who basically was my hero that night. Taryn was a gift from the heavens and I didn't even know it yet.

At 4:00 pm my doctor returned and determined that I was now 4, almost 5 cms dialted. My contractions still weren't getting consistent. He told me he'd like to increase my pitocin dose but felt that I should get my epidural first, " no need to be in so much pain, pitocin is a devil drug" he said and left the room.

By 5pmmy epdiural was being placed just as my contractions started to pick up. Epdiurals are heaven, complete and total heaven. Just in case you were wondering.

My epidural was a smooth one. It was placed without issue and it numbed my torso and belly, my feet felt warm and fuzzy but never went numb. Taryn kept me laying to one side or the other to ensure I was well dosed.

Taryn checked me again at 9pm and I had made it to seven. I was cathed and told to rest up and relax.

Around 9:30 Baby Boy kept dropping off the monitors. First Taryn came in to readjust them and suddenly two more nurses appeared. I was rolled to my left and then to my right and then to my left again. There was a flurry of activity and people were everywhere. I knew I was going to be fine but I couldn't understand why so many nurses were in the room. Mr. Berg ran to my side, his eyes were huge.I was put on oxygen and the mask smelled like a new shower curtain.

As suddenly as the activity begin, it stopped. Baby Boy's heart rate had returned to normal, all was stable and I was told to get some rest with my trust oxygen mask. Have you ever tried to rest while smelling plastic fumes? Good luck......

After everyone left Mr. Berg may his way to the bathroom.
Will you be okay, he asked?
Why?
I really need to use the bathroom.

And that would be the first time in my life that I literally scared the shit out of Mr. Berg.

At 11pm Taryn walked back into the room. "Are you feeling any pressure she asked?"
I smiled and nodded. She smirked.
I was completly effaced, at 10 and Baby Berg's head was really low.

She had me do a set of three practice pushes.

And things went to shit.

Baby Boys heart rate plummeted, my blood pressure went sky high and suddenly that flurry of activity was back. Only this time words and phrases like "fetal disstress" and "call the doctor" "did you page the doctor?" "where's the doctor?" where used. Terrified doesn't begin to describe it.

Taryn got right in my face and calmly yet firmly told me what was going on. Baby Boy was not taking the contractions well and his heart heart wasn't recovering like it should. My blood pressure was through the roof. Taryn felt certain I would either need to push fast and hope Baby Berg could be born quickly or I would need a C-Section. I felt oddly calm in my mind, but my body would not stop shaking. I remember holding onto the side of the bed as I was rolled from right to left, to up on my hands and knees, all the while shaking and praying. Praying for a good out come. Praying for a natural delievery. Praying for the son I had waiting 8 extra days to meet.

My doctor arrived and assessed the situation. He repeated the same senerio to me that Taryn had already painted. I remember telling him that I trusted him in whatever needed to happened. I knew I didn't want a c-section. I knew I'd come this far, I was ready to do what I needed to do to get Baby Berg out.

I stared pushing at 11:20pm.

In the air.

You know those movie scenes were the doctor is sitting on a chair at the end of the table. Totally didn't happen to me. The doctor had my bed raised and I was probably a good three-four feet in the air. My hooha and all it's glory where on display for everyone to see. Including two doctors, one second year med student, two labor nurses and the NICU Team. Did I mention my water had meuconium in it?

Yeah, that was the third ignored warning side of impending doom..... anyway.

Pushing:  pushing sucked. I felt as if my head was going to pop off. I never pulled on my knees so hard in my life..... come to think of it, had I ever done that before?

Mr. Berg stood to my left, Taryn to my right and of course, Doctor man in the catching position. I pushed 4 times per contraction. With each contraction I got closer and closer, my doctor talked me through every step of the way. And trust me kids, that ring of fire women always talk about, that bitch is no joke.

After the 7th contraction my doctor said, it's now or never. He needs to be born or we need a c-section. His heart rate was dropping fast and something needed to be done.  I remember giving myself the mightest of pep talks, Mr. Berg, the doctors, the nurses all shouting "push, push." I knew I had to get him out, my first job as a mother was his safety and he needed me to keep him safe. So I pushed like I'd never pushed before.

Baby Boy was born at 11:35pm on the 2nd push of the 8th contraction.

I remember looking at him and thinking about how tiny he was, how quiet he was, how he was mine. Mr. Berg got to cut the cord and he was wisked off to the NICU team. Taryn quickly rubbed my forehead and squeezed my hand and told me she'd never seen anything like that before. I wanted to brush her off but my doctor agreed. I could barely concentrate after that.

I remember hearing baby boy cry, I remember Mr. Berg kissing me, I remember asking if he looked more like a Ryan or a Jacob.

Finally Baby Boy was brought me to me and I looked into his deep blue eyes and marveled over his long fingers. I turned to Mr. Berg and said "he looks like a Ryan." He agreed, the whole room agreed.

Ryan James weighed in at 6.5 pounds and 18 inches long. He was and is amazing.

He was absolutely perfect and completely healthy, Mama on the other hand, was not.

My doctor had a hard time controlling my bleeding, my uterus was contracting but again, not regularly. I remember feeling the clots and fluids gush out of me. But I didn't realize how serious the issue was. My doctor remained so calm in the midst of the storm, no one was the wiser.

After what seemed like moments but was really many, many minute too many, my doctor was able to start repairing the physical damage on the outside.
I remember being pulled from my baby bliss with the shocking and sudden statement from the resident doctor "Wow, I've never seen a W shaped tear before."

I must have shot her a death look because she glanced up at me, realized what she said and quickly apologized.

It took them 45 minutes to sew me up and stop my bleeding. I remember hearing my blood hit the floor as my doctor tried to get my uterus to cooperate. It wasn't pretty. Meanwhile Taryn tried to distract me and Mr. Berg held Ryan.

Finally I was fixed up and my little family of three was allowed to bond in peace. It was a perfect time. Baby Boy burrowed into my bare chest and the three of us just glowed with love and peace and excitement.

A little while later I was given the best damn ham and cheese sandwich I had ever eaten and tomato soup. My parents and brother were able to meet Ryan. It was a beautiful and perfect time.

I didn't start to realize how badly I felt until my family left and Taryn started to get me cleaned up. She had perviously given me ibeprofien and was pushing for me to take a vicoden. She kept asking me to repeat her care instructions and kept saying "you are in for a long recovery."

I didn't realize how bad it was going to get.

Around 1:30 in the morning we were wheeled into the maternity hall. I remember the cool air on my race as I was wheeled down the hall. Taryn introduced me to my new nurse and let me kiss Ryan goodbye for his new born exam. She encouraged me to let him stay in the nursery overnight.

I hope that I thanked her, I really hope that I did. She was amazing and the first real advocate from my health. I just didn't realize it then.

When I got to my room I had assmued the worst was over. But sadly it was only the begining.

To Be Continued.....

So, I Had a Baby

And he is beautiful and perfect and precious.

Ryan James arrived on July 16th at 11:35pm after 9 hours of labor, serious complications for both Mam and Baby and and 20 minutes of pushing.
Thankfully, Mr, Ryan completely perfect.

And Mama is getting there.

There is much to discuss and I'm working on the birth story. But the truth is, I really don't know how I feel about my son's birth story. There's much to it that went perfectly and there's much to it that was scary and surreal. Parts of it still haunt me, there are parts of it that I will myself not to think about.

But regardless, I'm a Mama.

I have a son.

And my life has never been better.

41 Week Survey

Since I'll be a little busy tomorrow, you know, having a baby and all...... My final Baby Berg pregnancy survey:

How far along?

41 Weeks Exactly
How Big is Baby:
I'm guessing a smidge over 7 pounds. Actually my honest guess is 7 lbs 7 ounces, 20 inches long.
Symptoms:
My body is over it. I've been having dibilating back spasms and headaches. All associted with being over due and in need of labor.

Weight Gain:
I'll stand in the scale tomorrow morning for posterity's sake. I probably won't talk about it until weight loss time kicks in, around August 16th :)
Best moment this week:
Having one last week with Mr. Berg, just the two of us. We are as ready as we're going to get.

Worst Moment of this Week:
Last night I thought I was going into labor very rapidly or dying of a heart attack. As it turns out, it was back spasms. They lasted about 3 hours and were totally and completely miserable.

Mr. Berg spent 2 hours sitting beside the bathtub dousing my back in warm water and reminding me to breathe. Today I feel like I was hit by a truck.

Movement:

Baby Boy is typically very sleepy in the morning, moves off and on in the afternoons and goes crazy between 6pm and midnight.
I have to move around and jiggle my belly in the mornings to get him going, just to ensure he's okay.
Food cravings:
I had to give up iced tea, the occasional Diet Pepsi and chocolate because they were making my uterus irritable. So, I miss all of those things, A LOT.
Gender:

A very sweet baby boy, who I will meet tomorrow
Labor Signs:

Ha! Nope. No loss of the plug, no body show, no real contractions, nothing, nada, zilch.
Belly Button in or out?

Innie Born, Innie Bred and when I die I'll be an Innie Dead :)
What I miss:
Still the same:

Summer time has really made me miss the following: Cute feet, Lilly Pulitzer Dresses, The Beach, A Cold Glass of Wine on the Porch with Mr. Berg, Ice Cold Beer and Cold Lunch Meat Sandwiches, A Good Workout, Being Outside, Staying Up Late, Mindless Spending, New Summer Clothes- I am so sick of maternity clothing, My Gel Nails- I cannot give myself a manicure to save my soul.

I think because I'm been home bound since May, I'm just missing the ability to travel the most. I haven't been to the beach house, haven't been to Virginia, haven't been anywhere.
I know, this list is long. But when I'm not pregnant anymore, I will have an list equally as long of the things I miss about being pregnant.

What I'm Looking Forward To:

Tomorrow, I'll be a Mama :)

41 Week Letter

Well Son,

It's certainly been a smooth ride for us, hasn't it? 41 Weeks of just you and me, it all comes to an end tomorrow. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed. I think back to Halloween and the day I found out you would soon be arriving. It seems like decades ago and yesterday all the in the same breath. Over the past ten months countless books and articles and messages board about pregnancy have been read, milestones have been achieved and baby gear as been washed, assembled and put out in various fashion. For someone so small you are certainly going to be taking up a lot of space around here.

Today marks my last day as a daughter, wife, friend, sister and co-worker. Tomorrow I begin the hardest and most rewarding job I will never know. Tomorrow you will make me a Mama, and I will make you a son. I can't believe how our lives our going to change, I can't even begin to fathom it really.

I hope I made you proud as a mom. I hope I help you life to be full of adventures, surprises, hard work and dedication. I hope to teach you how to work hard, play hard and love hard. I hope you learn to love life as much as your father and I do. I hope you find happiness in the simplest of things and I hope you know how much you are loved.

It has been such a blessing carrying you with me for the past 41 weeks. I love you all the way to the moon and back.

See you tomorrow!

Mama

Maternity Leave: Day One

(does it count if you don't have a baby?)
I was woken up this morning at 6:30am by my loving husband, who cannot, for the life of him, be quiet, EVER.

Seriously, who turns on all the lights in the room where someone is sleeping? My husband. Why? Because he needed to look at his toe nail. Why this task couldn't be performed in the bathroom? Not a clue.

Mr. Berg's solution to all the lights? Pull the covers over my head.
I'm technically like 10 months pregnant, my nose and sinuses are constantly stuffy. Pulling the covers over my head should really help my breathing situation, shouldn't it?

Oy! Husbands.

My first day of maternity leave as been pretty uneventful. I've watched the Today show in its entirety. Kathie Lee and Hoda are pretty much hysterical.

I've washed our towels, sheets and did two loads of my own laundry.

Bob has slept soundly on the sofa all morning. Sophie has fallen off the ottoman twice and continues to act like nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

I think I've peed 6 times.

So basically, I'm bored!

And my mom refuses to go downtown for lunch today. Apparenly I'm too big to walk around.
Thus, we are eating at the Country Club- it's closer to the hospital.
My husband has called me three times to check on my contractions status. I'm not having any.

He's freaked out, he has a huge sale pitch this morning. It's his last and most important appointment before Baby Boy arrives. It would be typical fashion for us, if my water breaks in the next 19 minutes. Fingers crossed, Baby Boy stays firmly inside.

I'm still unsure if we'll make it to Monday's induction or not. But I have to say, signs are looking pretty good that we will.

On Monday I had a NST. We were in there for 20 minutes. During that time Baby Boy bounced around like a crazy man and I had one contraction. ONE.
Our nurse came flying in the room with a huge smile on her face, "You had a contraction, did you feel it?"

Yes, but it didn't hurt and it lasted a whole 20 seconds. Her face fell, "Oh, that doesn't count then, does it."

I may have had four contractions over the course of the past three days.

Yesterday we went in for another NST. This time it lasted an hour and Baby Berg slept through the whole thing. The nurse needed two accelerations for the test to count and for me to leave. We were down to the wire but he accelarted twice, both times because the nurse buzzed him to wake him up.

And I had zero contractions.

And no contractions since.

So basically, Baby Berg is more then happy to stay inside.
I'm perfectly fine and actually hoping for an induction.

And that's the story of maternity leave, day one.

Final Thoughts

Today is my last day of work. No, I'm not having a baby tomorrow. Well, at least I doubt I'd having a baby tomorrow. Instead, I am starting my maternity leave tomorrow. While I have always said I would work up until I had him, I made an executive decision to be done today. Why? Because if one more effing person walks into my office to advise me on how to get this baby out of me, I will go insane. Have I mentioned I work with mostly men. As in, people that don't have vaginas and have never given birth. They don't have a freaking clue!

That and my Grandpa's wife asked me if Mr. Berg and I were "he-sheing" enough. Her words. Not mine.

Oy!

So tomorrow, I'm starting my life as a temporary stay at home mom.

I don't know how it will feel to not walk into work tomorrow. I don't know how it will be to not be slave to my big black binder of To-Do lists and passwords and mental notes. Honestly, I think it will feel pretty weird. I'm having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around it.

While I have fluffy thoughts about watching the Today Show and starting the laundry, there is a large part of me that has no clue what to do. The last time I took the day off to just take the day off, I was living in Virginia and I was a stressed out graduate student. I took the day more for my mental health then anything else.

What blows my mind even more? The next time I come into work, I'll be a mom. I will have son, I'll be a member of a family of three. I'll be worried about spit up, bottles, diapers and tummy time. In a few days I'm sure that our new company Affirmative Action Plan and our Apprenticeship Ratios will be the last thing on my mind. But for now, it feels weird not to worry about them.


I realize that my life is only expanding for here on out. In the past I have complained that my brain felt so full I'd never remember everything. In a few more days, I won't even know the meaning of that sentence anymore. My life will only get fuller from here on out. The things I'll need to remember will expand ten fold. I won't just be responsible for my own schedule and some random items for Mr. Berg. I'll be responsible for me, my little man and the big guy... who would be lost with me, let's face it.

It's a strange feeling, knowing the minute you walk out of your office your life is going to change. And the changes they are coming, I can't even begin to comprehend them all. I don't even know what all of them will be.

Bring it on life, bring it on.

Cue the Circus Music

It is apparently fascinating that I'm still pregnant. I've never had so many co-workers stop by my office just to say hi. My Grandpa's wife came in to stare at me for ten minutes today too. A rare occasion seeing as she never really bothers with me.

I'm down right snarky. Not because I'm uncomfortable or in pain or miserable. I'm just sick of everyone looking at me like I might explode or spontaniously give birth. A due date is not a drop dead date people, he'll come when he's ready. I promise.

Or Monday, whatever comes first.

In related news:

Baby Berg is doing well in there. He's definately moving more in the evenings now. He typically sleeps through the morning, which should make tomorrow morning's NST interesting.
I'm still feeling really great. I have really nothing to complain about. I still sleep happily through the night with one bathroom break sometime between Midnight and 4am. My contractions have been mild and limited. Every now and again he feels lower then usual, but it never lasts long.

Baby Boy is happily situated in hotel Mama. Mama is happy to play host.

Today is our orginal due date. Part of me always wondered if he'd show up today. Obviously, not so much.

As the week goes on, I am more and more convinced that we'll be meeting our scheduled induction date. Monday I really felt like I could go at any time. Now, not so much. There just isn't that much going on and that's really okay.

I am so excited to meet my son. I can't wait to be called Mama and to kiss his little face and hold his little hands. I'm so excited to see the little feet have been kicking me all these months.

But, at the same time, I'm happy to feel him kick and roll and squirm in my belly. I love knowing he's with me all the time. I'll miss being pregnant so much.

Mr. Berg and I are both anxious and mellow about the whole ordeal. On one hand, we are happy to keep him inside as long as he wants to be. On the other hand, we know things could change in a moment. Will we become parents today? Tomorrow? Monday? It's like we're standing at the edge of the ocean, we know we'll be pushed in, we just don't know when.

All I can really say about any of it is this: I'm loving this time in my life. I'm loving the journey I am on. I cannot wait to see what's around the bend.