I'm missing my little man so much right now. I know he's in great hands (hanging out with my Mom) but that doesn't mean I'm not missing him.
I can't wait to see him in an hour and a half.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Ryan James: You Are Three Months Old
You Weigh: 13 Pounds Even
You Drink: 3.5-4 Ounces Every 2-4 Hours- it just depends on your mood
You Can: Giggle, Smile, Grab for your toys- typically soft things like your elephant and your taggie blanket. You can also hold your ball and your rattle when prompted.
You're getting better about lifting your head at tummy time.
When You Sleep: Your nap schedule is all over the map. However, you're a champion sleeper at night. You go down around 8pm and you sleep until somewhere between 2:30-4:30am. After quick diaper change and a bottle you go right back to sleep until 6:30am.
You Love: Your Mom and Dad. Your Taggie Blanket and Ceiling Fans and Light Fixtures. You will do everything in your power to see the TV if you know it's on.
You Hate: Getting your ears cleaned, middle of the night diaper changes and taking naps on a regular schedule.
Big Events:
You started daycare 4 days a week on the 15th.
So far you are a little unsure of what's going on, but you are always quick to warm up.
You are figuring out how to sit in your bumbo seat, lift your body up at tummy time and how to grab for things.
You're the best boy and we love you to pieces!
You Drink: 3.5-4 Ounces Every 2-4 Hours- it just depends on your mood
You Can: Giggle, Smile, Grab for your toys- typically soft things like your elephant and your taggie blanket. You can also hold your ball and your rattle when prompted.
You're getting better about lifting your head at tummy time.
When You Sleep: Your nap schedule is all over the map. However, you're a champion sleeper at night. You go down around 8pm and you sleep until somewhere between 2:30-4:30am. After quick diaper change and a bottle you go right back to sleep until 6:30am.
You Love: Your Mom and Dad. Your Taggie Blanket and Ceiling Fans and Light Fixtures. You will do everything in your power to see the TV if you know it's on.
You Hate: Getting your ears cleaned, middle of the night diaper changes and taking naps on a regular schedule.
Big Events:
You started daycare 4 days a week on the 15th.
So far you are a little unsure of what's going on, but you are always quick to warm up.
You are figuring out how to sit in your bumbo seat, lift your body up at tummy time and how to grab for things.
You're the best boy and we love you to pieces!
Monday, October 15, 2012
And So It Begins
How I Envisioned this Morning Would Go:
Awake before my alarm went off for a screaming baby.
Being stressed over washing bottles, getting lunches ready, making coffee, feeding cats, cleaning up cat vomit and dealing with Mr. Berg.
How This Morning Really Went:
I woke up with my alarm.
Got ready, made my way downstairs, washed bottles, made my breakfast, packed my lunch, feed the cats, cleaned up vomit (because that always happens regardless of the day), got a happy little boy ready for his day and packed his diaper bag without incident.
I was out the door, coffee, lunches, breakfast and brief case in case on time and without a stitch of drama.
Thank You, God!
And so, I'm back in the saddle again and I must say, so far. It's really not that bad.
Awake before my alarm went off for a screaming baby.
Being stressed over washing bottles, getting lunches ready, making coffee, feeding cats, cleaning up cat vomit and dealing with Mr. Berg.
How This Morning Really Went:
I woke up with my alarm.
Got ready, made my way downstairs, washed bottles, made my breakfast, packed my lunch, feed the cats, cleaned up vomit (because that always happens regardless of the day), got a happy little boy ready for his day and packed his diaper bag without incident.
I was out the door, coffee, lunches, breakfast and brief case in case on time and without a stitch of drama.
Thank You, God!
And so, I'm back in the saddle again and I must say, so far. It's really not that bad.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Patience Mama Grass Hopper
There is a part of me that is completely amazed that I'm sitting at my desk at work and it is 50 degrees outside. The last time I spent a serious amount of time here, it was 90 degrees, I was 4 days overdue and annoyed at the endless parade of people in my office.
Now, I doubt anyone realizes that I'm back. I think they got used to life without me and frankly, I kind of like it.
This week is my last week of maternity partial leave. How on earth did this happen? I'm in the office two days this week. Starting next week, I'll be in the office four days a week and working from home on Fridays. I'm really thankful to have such an awesome schedule. It will make for much smoother days and weeks in the long run, I hope. Unfortuately, right now, I'm having a hard time finding my groove. I can't wrap my head around how I'm going to keep the house clean, organized and running. I'm worried about how I'll get dinner on the table and when and if I'll ever find a consistent workout schedule ever again.
I worry about how I'll spend quality time with Ryan in the evenings when I'm trying to wash bottles, preheat the oven and finding a moment to shower. How on earth will we ever do tummy time? Will my at home manicure forever look like shit?
Truely, there is a huge part of me that is shaking my head at myself. I've made it work in the past, why wouldn't I make it work in the future?
I know it will take time for my to find a groove. I know I won't get in the quality workouts I had in the past for a long, long time. I know that we will eat dinner, it just might not be the same kind of dinners we had in the past. My nails probably will continue to look kinda crappy. It's just the way it goes.
I need to stop stressing. But we all know that's eaiser said then done.
Now, I doubt anyone realizes that I'm back. I think they got used to life without me and frankly, I kind of like it.
This week is my last week of maternity partial leave. How on earth did this happen? I'm in the office two days this week. Starting next week, I'll be in the office four days a week and working from home on Fridays. I'm really thankful to have such an awesome schedule. It will make for much smoother days and weeks in the long run, I hope. Unfortuately, right now, I'm having a hard time finding my groove. I can't wrap my head around how I'm going to keep the house clean, organized and running. I'm worried about how I'll get dinner on the table and when and if I'll ever find a consistent workout schedule ever again.
I worry about how I'll spend quality time with Ryan in the evenings when I'm trying to wash bottles, preheat the oven and finding a moment to shower. How on earth will we ever do tummy time? Will my at home manicure forever look like shit?
Truely, there is a huge part of me that is shaking my head at myself. I've made it work in the past, why wouldn't I make it work in the future?
I know it will take time for my to find a groove. I know I won't get in the quality workouts I had in the past for a long, long time. I know that we will eat dinner, it just might not be the same kind of dinners we had in the past. My nails probably will continue to look kinda crappy. It's just the way it goes.
I need to stop stressing. But we all know that's eaiser said then done.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Back in the Saddle Again
So I had a baby......
On July 16th my world changed in ways that I couldn't even begin to fathom on July 15th. I became a Mama and my whole perspective on well, everything, changed. It's been amazing and humbling and eye opening all in the same moment.
I also fell off the face of the earth on this blog.
Why?
Well, to be honest, there are two reasons.
#1- I had a baby and I wanted to enjoy every moment of the start of our new lives together. So I did.
#2- I got really, really sick after I had Ryan. I did not handle getting sick very well. There is a large part of me that is still really, really bitter about how ill I was and there is another part of me that is still really angry about it.
I couldn't prevent getting sick. I couldn't foresee it happening. There was nothing that could have been done to make the situation better. Then you boil it down the following 15 things happened:
1. My pregnancy was picture perfect
2. My induction went smoothly until the last hour and a half
3. My blood pressure was completely normal for nine months and seven days.
4. The day I went into deliver Ryan my blood pressure was through the roof
5. Ryan did not handle the last hour and half of labor well. His heart rate kept dropping and wouldn't recover.
6. I had 20 minutes to try to push Ryan out as the OR was being prepped for my C-Section
7. I got him out, quick, fast and in a hurry.
8. Ryan was perfect
9. I was not
10. Between the uncontrolled bleeding and the massive amount of tearing and whatever else happened down there, I lost 2 1/2 times more blood then the average delivery.
11. My blood pressure remained sky high.
12. I was diagnosed with Postpartum Hypertension and Severe Anemia shortly after delivery. I was put on an epic amount of medicine. Most of which my body didn't respond to.
13. I was sent home from the hospital with the following instructions- do nothing but care for yourself.
14. I was really mad at my body for letting me down, mad I couldn't care of my son and mad that I felt so horrible. Not to mention I was mad at myself for not being more prepared for what happened to me. I had no idea I could run into these problems. I had assumed all would be well. My assumption was wrong.
15. It has taken me a really long time to feel better. In fact, I just started to feel normal about a week ago.
But here I am. Back to work, back to a normal life and loving being a mom, a wife, a co-worker and a friend.
Life is oh so good.
On July 16th my world changed in ways that I couldn't even begin to fathom on July 15th. I became a Mama and my whole perspective on well, everything, changed. It's been amazing and humbling and eye opening all in the same moment.
I also fell off the face of the earth on this blog.
Why?
Well, to be honest, there are two reasons.
#1- I had a baby and I wanted to enjoy every moment of the start of our new lives together. So I did.
#2- I got really, really sick after I had Ryan. I did not handle getting sick very well. There is a large part of me that is still really, really bitter about how ill I was and there is another part of me that is still really angry about it.
I couldn't prevent getting sick. I couldn't foresee it happening. There was nothing that could have been done to make the situation better. Then you boil it down the following 15 things happened:
1. My pregnancy was picture perfect
2. My induction went smoothly until the last hour and a half
3. My blood pressure was completely normal for nine months and seven days.
4. The day I went into deliver Ryan my blood pressure was through the roof
5. Ryan did not handle the last hour and half of labor well. His heart rate kept dropping and wouldn't recover.
6. I had 20 minutes to try to push Ryan out as the OR was being prepped for my C-Section
7. I got him out, quick, fast and in a hurry.
8. Ryan was perfect
9. I was not
10. Between the uncontrolled bleeding and the massive amount of tearing and whatever else happened down there, I lost 2 1/2 times more blood then the average delivery.
11. My blood pressure remained sky high.
12. I was diagnosed with Postpartum Hypertension and Severe Anemia shortly after delivery. I was put on an epic amount of medicine. Most of which my body didn't respond to.
13. I was sent home from the hospital with the following instructions- do nothing but care for yourself.
14. I was really mad at my body for letting me down, mad I couldn't care of my son and mad that I felt so horrible. Not to mention I was mad at myself for not being more prepared for what happened to me. I had no idea I could run into these problems. I had assumed all would be well. My assumption was wrong.
15. It has taken me a really long time to feel better. In fact, I just started to feel normal about a week ago.
But here I am. Back to work, back to a normal life and loving being a mom, a wife, a co-worker and a friend.
Life is oh so good.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
One Month Later
I keep pondering how I would like to start this post....
Little Man's birth did not go as planned.... except that I never really had a plan.
I could say it is the best of times and the worst of times... but that makes it sound like things are bleak and they are not.
Unexpected things happen at the most unexpected of times, but we all know that.
In short, I'm not really sure how to say I feel about the birth of Little Man other then to say, it didn't go as anticipated but the end result is fantastic. Things are not all well, despite my best efforts but regardless, there is a beautiful baby boy snoozing in the pack and play.
Mr. Berg and I should have realized that we were doomed Monday from the start when what should have been our 7:30am "Get your butt to the labor hall" phone call turned into "We be too busy for your butt" phone call. So we waited, and waited and finally at 11am we were called and told to be ready for induction at 1pm.
Baby Berg was 8 days late and could not be coerced into natural labor come full moon or low pressure system. Instead, he just moved up higher and held on for dear life.... see where this is going? Yeah, neither did I.
We were wisked back to our room and by 1:15 I was getting changed into a gown and our charge nurse was explaining the run down. We were given lots of wrist bands, paper work and fun facts. My nurse hooked me up to the fetal monitors and begin taking my vitals as another tech started taking my blood and getting my line started.
That's when again we should have realized we were in for it.
Despite the fact that I drank atleast a gallon of water prior to 1pm, the tech couldn't find a vein and when she finally did she couldn't get the needle in. In her words "I have tough skin." Seeing as I take everything personally and constantly have cuts, scrapes and bruises, I find that very hard to believe on any level.
Two blown up veins and blood draw that came up short, we were ready for vitals.
My blood pressure was high... my nurse assumed it was from the fun with needles I'd just endured and let it go.
She came back 15 minutes later and guess what.... my blood pressure was still high.
Never have I ever had high blood pressure, never once.
Shortly there after my doctor came into the room to access the situation. He furrowed his brow when he heard about the high blood pressure but chalked it up to nerves, my IV encounter and the fact that I was 8 days overdue. In his words, "you never had high blood pressure, this is probably nothing." And life went on.
We were all shocked but pleased to discover I was already 3cm dialated and 75% effaced. Progress, without even trying. Amensisterfriend.
From there it was determined we'd run some lab work, start pitocin and kick this bear in the ass. And so we did.
From 2:00pm to 4pm I labored under pitocin The contractions were starting to get painful but they never really seemed to get consistent. Every half hour my dose was increased but nothing remarkable was happening.
At 5:30 my nurse was scheduled to leave so she assigned me to a new nurse, an awesome nurse, who basically was my hero that night. Taryn was a gift from the heavens and I didn't even know it yet.
At 4:00 pm my doctor returned and determined that I was now 4, almost 5 cms dialted. My contractions still weren't getting consistent. He told me he'd like to increase my pitocin dose but felt that I should get my epidural first, " no need to be in so much pain, pitocin is a devil drug" he said and left the room.
By 5pmmy epdiural was being placed just as my contractions started to pick up. Epdiurals are heaven, complete and total heaven. Just in case you were wondering.
My epidural was a smooth one. It was placed without issue and it numbed my torso and belly, my feet felt warm and fuzzy but never went numb. Taryn kept me laying to one side or the other to ensure I was well dosed.
Taryn checked me again at 9pm and I had made it to seven. I was cathed and told to rest up and relax.
Around 9:30 Baby Boy kept dropping off the monitors. First Taryn came in to readjust them and suddenly two more nurses appeared. I was rolled to my left and then to my right and then to my left again. There was a flurry of activity and people were everywhere. I knew I was going to be fine but I couldn't understand why so many nurses were in the room. Mr. Berg ran to my side, his eyes were huge.I was put on oxygen and the mask smelled like a new shower curtain.
As suddenly as the activity begin, it stopped. Baby Boy's heart rate had returned to normal, all was stable and I was told to get some rest with my trust oxygen mask. Have you ever tried to rest while smelling plastic fumes? Good luck......
After everyone left Mr. Berg may his way to the bathroom.
Will you be okay, he asked?
Why?
I really need to use the bathroom.
And that would be the first time in my life that I literally scared the shit out of Mr. Berg.
At 11pm Taryn walked back into the room. "Are you feeling any pressure she asked?"
I smiled and nodded. She smirked.
I was completly effaced, at 10 and Baby Berg's head was really low.
She had me do a set of three practice pushes.
And things went to shit.
Baby Boys heart rate plummeted, my blood pressure went sky high and suddenly that flurry of activity was back. Only this time words and phrases like "fetal disstress" and "call the doctor" "did you page the doctor?" "where's the doctor?" where used. Terrified doesn't begin to describe it.
Taryn got right in my face and calmly yet firmly told me what was going on. Baby Boy was not taking the contractions well and his heart heart wasn't recovering like it should. My blood pressure was through the roof. Taryn felt certain I would either need to push fast and hope Baby Berg could be born quickly or I would need a C-Section. I felt oddly calm in my mind, but my body would not stop shaking. I remember holding onto the side of the bed as I was rolled from right to left, to up on my hands and knees, all the while shaking and praying. Praying for a good out come. Praying for a natural delievery. Praying for the son I had waiting 8 extra days to meet.
My doctor arrived and assessed the situation. He repeated the same senerio to me that Taryn had already painted. I remember telling him that I trusted him in whatever needed to happened. I knew I didn't want a c-section. I knew I'd come this far, I was ready to do what I needed to do to get Baby Berg out.
I stared pushing at 11:20pm.
In the air.
You know those movie scenes were the doctor is sitting on a chair at the end of the table. Totally didn't happen to me. The doctor had my bed raised and I was probably a good three-four feet in the air. My hooha and all it's glory where on display for everyone to see. Including two doctors, one second year med student, two labor nurses and the NICU Team. Did I mention my water had meuconium in it?
Yeah, that was the third ignored warning side of impending doom..... anyway.
Pushing: pushing sucked. I felt as if my head was going to pop off. I never pulled on my knees so hard in my life..... come to think of it, had I ever done that before?
Mr. Berg stood to my left, Taryn to my right and of course, Doctor man in the catching position. I pushed 4 times per contraction. With each contraction I got closer and closer, my doctor talked me through every step of the way. And trust me kids, that ring of fire women always talk about, that bitch is no joke.
After the 7th contraction my doctor said, it's now or never. He needs to be born or we need a c-section. His heart rate was dropping fast and something needed to be done. I remember giving myself the mightest of pep talks, Mr. Berg, the doctors, the nurses all shouting "push, push." I knew I had to get him out, my first job as a mother was his safety and he needed me to keep him safe. So I pushed like I'd never pushed before.
Baby Boy was born at 11:35pm on the 2nd push of the 8th contraction.
I remember looking at him and thinking about how tiny he was, how quiet he was, how he was mine. Mr. Berg got to cut the cord and he was wisked off to the NICU team. Taryn quickly rubbed my forehead and squeezed my hand and told me she'd never seen anything like that before. I wanted to brush her off but my doctor agreed. I could barely concentrate after that.
I remember hearing baby boy cry, I remember Mr. Berg kissing me, I remember asking if he looked more like a Ryan or a Jacob.
Finally Baby Boy was brought me to me and I looked into his deep blue eyes and marveled over his long fingers. I turned to Mr. Berg and said "he looks like a Ryan." He agreed, the whole room agreed.
Ryan James weighed in at 6.5 pounds and 18 inches long. He was and is amazing.
He was absolutely perfect and completely healthy, Mama on the other hand, was not.
My doctor had a hard time controlling my bleeding, my uterus was contracting but again, not regularly. I remember feeling the clots and fluids gush out of me. But I didn't realize how serious the issue was. My doctor remained so calm in the midst of the storm, no one was the wiser.
After what seemed like moments but was really many, many minute too many, my doctor was able to start repairing the physical damage on the outside.
I remember being pulled from my baby bliss with the shocking and sudden statement from the resident doctor "Wow, I've never seen a W shaped tear before."
I must have shot her a death look because she glanced up at me, realized what she said and quickly apologized.
It took them 45 minutes to sew me up and stop my bleeding. I remember hearing my blood hit the floor as my doctor tried to get my uterus to cooperate. It wasn't pretty. Meanwhile Taryn tried to distract me and Mr. Berg held Ryan.
Finally I was fixed up and my little family of three was allowed to bond in peace. It was a perfect time. Baby Boy burrowed into my bare chest and the three of us just glowed with love and peace and excitement.
A little while later I was given the best damn ham and cheese sandwich I had ever eaten and tomato soup. My parents and brother were able to meet Ryan. It was a beautiful and perfect time.
I didn't start to realize how badly I felt until my family left and Taryn started to get me cleaned up. She had perviously given me ibeprofien and was pushing for me to take a vicoden. She kept asking me to repeat her care instructions and kept saying "you are in for a long recovery."
I didn't realize how bad it was going to get.
Around 1:30 in the morning we were wheeled into the maternity hall. I remember the cool air on my race as I was wheeled down the hall. Taryn introduced me to my new nurse and let me kiss Ryan goodbye for his new born exam. She encouraged me to let him stay in the nursery overnight.
I hope that I thanked her, I really hope that I did. She was amazing and the first real advocate from my health. I just didn't realize it then.
When I got to my room I had assmued the worst was over. But sadly it was only the begining.
To Be Continued.....
Little Man's birth did not go as planned.... except that I never really had a plan.
I could say it is the best of times and the worst of times... but that makes it sound like things are bleak and they are not.
Unexpected things happen at the most unexpected of times, but we all know that.
In short, I'm not really sure how to say I feel about the birth of Little Man other then to say, it didn't go as anticipated but the end result is fantastic. Things are not all well, despite my best efforts but regardless, there is a beautiful baby boy snoozing in the pack and play.
Mr. Berg and I should have realized that we were doomed Monday from the start when what should have been our 7:30am "Get your butt to the labor hall" phone call turned into "We be too busy for your butt" phone call. So we waited, and waited and finally at 11am we were called and told to be ready for induction at 1pm.
Baby Berg was 8 days late and could not be coerced into natural labor come full moon or low pressure system. Instead, he just moved up higher and held on for dear life.... see where this is going? Yeah, neither did I.
We were wisked back to our room and by 1:15 I was getting changed into a gown and our charge nurse was explaining the run down. We were given lots of wrist bands, paper work and fun facts. My nurse hooked me up to the fetal monitors and begin taking my vitals as another tech started taking my blood and getting my line started.
That's when again we should have realized we were in for it.
Despite the fact that I drank atleast a gallon of water prior to 1pm, the tech couldn't find a vein and when she finally did she couldn't get the needle in. In her words "I have tough skin." Seeing as I take everything personally and constantly have cuts, scrapes and bruises, I find that very hard to believe on any level.
Two blown up veins and blood draw that came up short, we were ready for vitals.
My blood pressure was high... my nurse assumed it was from the fun with needles I'd just endured and let it go.
She came back 15 minutes later and guess what.... my blood pressure was still high.
Never have I ever had high blood pressure, never once.
Shortly there after my doctor came into the room to access the situation. He furrowed his brow when he heard about the high blood pressure but chalked it up to nerves, my IV encounter and the fact that I was 8 days overdue. In his words, "you never had high blood pressure, this is probably nothing." And life went on.
We were all shocked but pleased to discover I was already 3cm dialated and 75% effaced. Progress, without even trying. Amensisterfriend.
From there it was determined we'd run some lab work, start pitocin and kick this bear in the ass. And so we did.
From 2:00pm to 4pm I labored under pitocin The contractions were starting to get painful but they never really seemed to get consistent. Every half hour my dose was increased but nothing remarkable was happening.
At 5:30 my nurse was scheduled to leave so she assigned me to a new nurse, an awesome nurse, who basically was my hero that night. Taryn was a gift from the heavens and I didn't even know it yet.
At 4:00 pm my doctor returned and determined that I was now 4, almost 5 cms dialted. My contractions still weren't getting consistent. He told me he'd like to increase my pitocin dose but felt that I should get my epidural first, " no need to be in so much pain, pitocin is a devil drug" he said and left the room.
By 5pmmy epdiural was being placed just as my contractions started to pick up. Epdiurals are heaven, complete and total heaven. Just in case you were wondering.
My epidural was a smooth one. It was placed without issue and it numbed my torso and belly, my feet felt warm and fuzzy but never went numb. Taryn kept me laying to one side or the other to ensure I was well dosed.
Taryn checked me again at 9pm and I had made it to seven. I was cathed and told to rest up and relax.
Around 9:30 Baby Boy kept dropping off the monitors. First Taryn came in to readjust them and suddenly two more nurses appeared. I was rolled to my left and then to my right and then to my left again. There was a flurry of activity and people were everywhere. I knew I was going to be fine but I couldn't understand why so many nurses were in the room. Mr. Berg ran to my side, his eyes were huge.I was put on oxygen and the mask smelled like a new shower curtain.
As suddenly as the activity begin, it stopped. Baby Boy's heart rate had returned to normal, all was stable and I was told to get some rest with my trust oxygen mask. Have you ever tried to rest while smelling plastic fumes? Good luck......
After everyone left Mr. Berg may his way to the bathroom.
Will you be okay, he asked?
Why?
I really need to use the bathroom.
And that would be the first time in my life that I literally scared the shit out of Mr. Berg.
At 11pm Taryn walked back into the room. "Are you feeling any pressure she asked?"
I smiled and nodded. She smirked.
I was completly effaced, at 10 and Baby Berg's head was really low.
She had me do a set of three practice pushes.
And things went to shit.
Baby Boys heart rate plummeted, my blood pressure went sky high and suddenly that flurry of activity was back. Only this time words and phrases like "fetal disstress" and "call the doctor" "did you page the doctor?" "where's the doctor?" where used. Terrified doesn't begin to describe it.
Taryn got right in my face and calmly yet firmly told me what was going on. Baby Boy was not taking the contractions well and his heart heart wasn't recovering like it should. My blood pressure was through the roof. Taryn felt certain I would either need to push fast and hope Baby Berg could be born quickly or I would need a C-Section. I felt oddly calm in my mind, but my body would not stop shaking. I remember holding onto the side of the bed as I was rolled from right to left, to up on my hands and knees, all the while shaking and praying. Praying for a good out come. Praying for a natural delievery. Praying for the son I had waiting 8 extra days to meet.
My doctor arrived and assessed the situation. He repeated the same senerio to me that Taryn had already painted. I remember telling him that I trusted him in whatever needed to happened. I knew I didn't want a c-section. I knew I'd come this far, I was ready to do what I needed to do to get Baby Berg out.
I stared pushing at 11:20pm.
In the air.
You know those movie scenes were the doctor is sitting on a chair at the end of the table. Totally didn't happen to me. The doctor had my bed raised and I was probably a good three-four feet in the air. My hooha and all it's glory where on display for everyone to see. Including two doctors, one second year med student, two labor nurses and the NICU Team. Did I mention my water had meuconium in it?
Yeah, that was the third ignored warning side of impending doom..... anyway.
Pushing: pushing sucked. I felt as if my head was going to pop off. I never pulled on my knees so hard in my life..... come to think of it, had I ever done that before?
Mr. Berg stood to my left, Taryn to my right and of course, Doctor man in the catching position. I pushed 4 times per contraction. With each contraction I got closer and closer, my doctor talked me through every step of the way. And trust me kids, that ring of fire women always talk about, that bitch is no joke.
After the 7th contraction my doctor said, it's now or never. He needs to be born or we need a c-section. His heart rate was dropping fast and something needed to be done. I remember giving myself the mightest of pep talks, Mr. Berg, the doctors, the nurses all shouting "push, push." I knew I had to get him out, my first job as a mother was his safety and he needed me to keep him safe. So I pushed like I'd never pushed before.
Baby Boy was born at 11:35pm on the 2nd push of the 8th contraction.
I remember looking at him and thinking about how tiny he was, how quiet he was, how he was mine. Mr. Berg got to cut the cord and he was wisked off to the NICU team. Taryn quickly rubbed my forehead and squeezed my hand and told me she'd never seen anything like that before. I wanted to brush her off but my doctor agreed. I could barely concentrate after that.
I remember hearing baby boy cry, I remember Mr. Berg kissing me, I remember asking if he looked more like a Ryan or a Jacob.
Finally Baby Boy was brought me to me and I looked into his deep blue eyes and marveled over his long fingers. I turned to Mr. Berg and said "he looks like a Ryan." He agreed, the whole room agreed.
Ryan James weighed in at 6.5 pounds and 18 inches long. He was and is amazing.
He was absolutely perfect and completely healthy, Mama on the other hand, was not.
My doctor had a hard time controlling my bleeding, my uterus was contracting but again, not regularly. I remember feeling the clots and fluids gush out of me. But I didn't realize how serious the issue was. My doctor remained so calm in the midst of the storm, no one was the wiser.
After what seemed like moments but was really many, many minute too many, my doctor was able to start repairing the physical damage on the outside.
I remember being pulled from my baby bliss with the shocking and sudden statement from the resident doctor "Wow, I've never seen a W shaped tear before."
I must have shot her a death look because she glanced up at me, realized what she said and quickly apologized.
It took them 45 minutes to sew me up and stop my bleeding. I remember hearing my blood hit the floor as my doctor tried to get my uterus to cooperate. It wasn't pretty. Meanwhile Taryn tried to distract me and Mr. Berg held Ryan.
Finally I was fixed up and my little family of three was allowed to bond in peace. It was a perfect time. Baby Boy burrowed into my bare chest and the three of us just glowed with love and peace and excitement.
A little while later I was given the best damn ham and cheese sandwich I had ever eaten and tomato soup. My parents and brother were able to meet Ryan. It was a beautiful and perfect time.
I didn't start to realize how badly I felt until my family left and Taryn started to get me cleaned up. She had perviously given me ibeprofien and was pushing for me to take a vicoden. She kept asking me to repeat her care instructions and kept saying "you are in for a long recovery."
I didn't realize how bad it was going to get.
Around 1:30 in the morning we were wheeled into the maternity hall. I remember the cool air on my race as I was wheeled down the hall. Taryn introduced me to my new nurse and let me kiss Ryan goodbye for his new born exam. She encouraged me to let him stay in the nursery overnight.
I hope that I thanked her, I really hope that I did. She was amazing and the first real advocate from my health. I just didn't realize it then.
When I got to my room I had assmued the worst was over. But sadly it was only the begining.
To Be Continued.....
Friday, August 3, 2012
So, I Had a Baby
And he is beautiful and perfect and precious.
Ryan James arrived on July 16th at 11:35pm after 9 hours of labor, serious complications for both Mam and Baby and and 20 minutes of pushing.
Thankfully, Mr, Ryan completely perfect.
And Mama is getting there.
There is much to discuss and I'm working on the birth story. But the truth is, I really don't know how I feel about my son's birth story. There's much to it that went perfectly and there's much to it that was scary and surreal. Parts of it still haunt me, there are parts of it that I will myself not to think about.
But regardless, I'm a Mama.
I have a son.
And my life has never been better.
Ryan James arrived on July 16th at 11:35pm after 9 hours of labor, serious complications for both Mam and Baby and and 20 minutes of pushing.
Thankfully, Mr, Ryan completely perfect.
And Mama is getting there.
There is much to discuss and I'm working on the birth story. But the truth is, I really don't know how I feel about my son's birth story. There's much to it that went perfectly and there's much to it that was scary and surreal. Parts of it still haunt me, there are parts of it that I will myself not to think about.
But regardless, I'm a Mama.
I have a son.
And my life has never been better.
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