36 Week Update

How far along are you:  36 weeks- Yikes!

Fruit/ Veggie: Baby Boy is as long as a head of romaine lettuce. Trust me, I believe it. I have a feeling this kid is going to be long and skinny like his brother.

The Bump: I've been knocking things off desks and shelves with it. How pathetic is that? I also feel like it's getting wider instead of more "out there" if that makes any sense at all. 

Gender: Still a boy... Still nameless, still without a finished room or clean clothing. Ha! Three weeks later and all of that still applies....

Stretch Marks: Not a single new one.... How is this possible?
I'm assuming genetics and simultaneously thanking Cetaphil lotion  

Sleep: It takes me forever to get comfortable. Once I'm comfortable, I'm out cold. Only to wake up to pee and the try really hard to get comfortable again.

Cravings: Lemonade. I really wanted Chickfila Lemonade all day on Sunday. Which is not happening because well.... Christian Chicken.
I ended up grabbing lunch there Tuesday and got a frozen lemonade, which was really, really yummy. Then I stopped again yesterday for just a lemonade. I have issues, this I'm aware of.

I'm also really liking Ice Tea and Grilled Chicken Salads. Not so much a craving but typically my go to foods.

What Makes Me Wanna Gag: Falling victim to the empty stomach game is terrible. But otherwise, nothing.

Exercise: Toddler chasing is about as good as it gets for me right now. 

Mood: Hmmm.... I would say I'm a mix of things.
I'm thrilled my husband passed his insurance exam and we won't have to worry about studying again until this fall.
I'm anxious to get everything ready for little man. Part of me feels like we are so unprepared and the rest of me is confident we will be more then fine.
I'm really trying to enjoy this last month. We're never going to have a new baby again. I have to soak it all up while I can.

Movement: Still loving my sciatic nerve on my left leg and a nerve in my groin on my right leg. This makes walking oh so much fun.

Favorite thing this week: Mr. Berg passing his test, we've been really sweating that one out.

Excited For: Finally getting the room ready and finding all the gear we need.

1 Month to Go or Why Jessica is in Denial........

Baby Boy is due to arrive in one month.....


Let me tell you how ready we are(n't)

• Room- what room? Baby Boy's room looks like a landfill. His furniture is in there, his gifts are in there, there are a couple of baby toys in there. Everything is in disarray, hardware isn't on the furniture, speaking of furniture... it's not even in the right places. It's bad, bad, bad.
• Baby Boy does not have a name... how close are we on deciding? Ha! Not even a little bit close.
• Somewhere in a storage unit in Central, PA is a pack and play, a swing, a bouncer seat, a baby bath tub, bottles, and lord only know what else I forgot about.... All of which I need to find and clean and all that jazz.
• Oh and the carseat... it's in the garage. Not the car, but the garage.... that's almost close enough, right?
• About the baby clothes.... I don't even know where they are at this point. Maybe a closet, maybe the basement.... heck, they could be in the storage unit.
• Maternity Leave Plan for Work..... it is not in place. It is not even written. I have not even thought about what it should look like.
• Hospital Bag Packed?.... I don't even know which bag I'm taking.
• Specified care arranged for Ryan when the baby arrives?  My parents are on stand by. Thankfully they are awesome. We could literally drop him off with the clothes on his back and he'd be fine with them for several days.
• Formula..... I haven't purchased any on purpose. Just waiting to find out what little man likes.
• Postpartum Supplies for Mama..... hmmm, sports bras are on sale using my cartwheel app and I'll pick up some pads when I have a minute. So, there's that.
• Read Big Brother Books to Ryan/Prepare Ryan for Big Brother Role.... He thinks there's a baby in his belly. He knows baby brother is in Mommy's belly and the buck stops there.... Maybe I should actually buy a Big Brother book to read to him...
• Catch up on sleep before Little Man arrives..... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So, basically.....

We are so not ready.

Mr. Berg says we can knock out 90% of this list over the weekend....
I'm not convinced but I'll let him take a stab at it.

Poor Baby Berg.
He's going to arrive in this world with a pack of diapers and a Moses basket waiting for him. And a huge pile of stuff humped into a place we call his room. 

The Un-Mommy

Get your judgey pants on, people. I'm about to tell you why I was the Un-Mommy of our recent hospital tour.


Don't get me wrong, the group of coupleS we joined on our most recent hospital tour were all very nice. Almost all of them were first time parents and they were all high on their parenting philosophies. They had opinions a'plenty.

And then there was me......

Our tour guide sat our group down in a large conference room for about 45 minutes to go over the hospital procedures, which elevator to use when, and her philosophies on everything from birthing to breast feeding to creating a detailed birth plan....

This was the part of our tour where my eyes starting rolling and Mr. Berg started giving me the "act nice" look..... I get that a lot.

First was the whole natural child birth lecture. How many of you are planning a natural child birth? she asked with a glimmer in her eye. Of the 15 women in our group, 14 hands went up.

Wanna guess where mine was? 

If you said Not Up- you're a winner.

I happen to be a big fan of medicated births. It's a choice I'm comfortable making and you better believe I'll be opting for another epidural with this birth.

Then she stared in on breast feeding..... Trust me, I get it. I understand it and I'm educated on it. But I have made my choice and I have my reasons for my choice. I made the choice that is right for me and my family, just like any other mother. But of course, we had to do the hand raising thing and once again, 14 hands went up.

And mine was still stationed at my side. 

If looks could kill, we'd be attending my funeral right now.

I'd be fine with the looks, but when the tour guide said "I hope you change your mind before your baby is born." I wanted to murder her. There's a whole lot of reasons why women can't or don't breast feed. Some of it is outside of their control. I'm not saying my choice isn't within my control, but if it wasn't, you would've bet I would have flipped shit. I couldn't help by think of dear friend's wife who cannot breastfeed due to anatomical abnormalities, or a friend who fought breast cancer and had a double mastectomy. Both would love to be able to breast feed and cannot.

I understand her wish to take a moment to educate, I just wish it had been done in a different manner. This left me with a rather unpleasant taste in my mouth.

Finally we get to birth plans. Our tour guide asked if everyone had put their birth plan together. I felt like the one kid in class that didn't do their homework. A wooshing sound filled the room as 14 other women whipped out their multi-page birth plans. (I later discovered this was part of their homework for their child birth classes, but still.)

Mr. Berg tapped my arm looking puzzled.

"We did that with Ryan, remember?" I whispered?

"Oh, that's that long thing we never even used, right?"

"Yes, because our answers were either It Depends on the Situation or Please Give Jessica Drugs."

"So, we really didn't have a plan?"

"No, we just decided to roll with it."

And I'm glad we did.
Yes, I am a typical Type A Personality. I like to have the details and know the facts, I also like to be aware of the multiple sides of every situation. But that doesn't mean I'm staunch in my philosophies or strict in my beliefs. Rather, I'm very much a roll with the punches. I like to take on situations as the come using the information I'd tuck away.

This was a pretty helpful when my first labor and delivery experience went to shit the minute they took my blood pressure. Any plans I originally had went out the window and we took the next 9 hours as they came, rolling with the punches. And it in the end, I still got a beautiful, healthy baby boy :)

All in all, I'm still glad I took the tour. Breast feeding comment aside, I liked our tour guide and felt she imparted a lot of valuable information to all of us.

Do my choices make me a bad mother? Not in the slightest.
My child is healthy, happy, well adjusted and kind.
I'm an active, positive and constant part of his life.
He has a strong, loving, and supportive family around him.
What more could a kid as for?

And Open Letter to Shonda Rimes....

Girlfriend,


You are going to have to publish your mailing address so that I can forward you my therapy bill thanks to last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy.

I cannot deal. I'm far to pregnant and hormonal for this shit!



Hugs and Kisses
Jessica 

35 Week Update.... is this real life?

How far along are you:  35 weeks- I've hit the magical 35/35. 35 Weeks down, 35 days to go

Fruit/ Veggie: Baby Boy is the size of a honeydew melon. I love me some honeydew.

The Bump: Is measuring right on time and it's HUGE. Which is kind of funny because I haven't gained an ounce in 6 weeks. And trust me, it's not for a lack of trying.
I guess things are just redistributing. Some of my shirts that fit me well into my overdue days with Ryan are getting too short, thus limiting my options. I refuse to buy more!

Gender: Still a boy... Still nameless, still without a finished room or clean clothing. Two weeks later and all of that still applies....

Stretch Marks: Nothing new, miracles never cease 

Sleep: Either really well or not at all.

Cravings: Lately, I've really liked salads and fruit. I can live with that.

What Makes Me Wanna Gag: Not much of anything..... provided I don't go out on an empty stomach. I have a purse full of snacks and I'm not afraid to use them.

Exercise: Ryan is the best form of exercise known to man kind, promise.

Mood: Right now, peaceful. I feel like we have our plans in place and we have time to go. Yup, peaceful would be the perfect way to describe it.

Movement: He keeps punching or bumping into my sciatic nerve on my left side and hitting a different nerve on my right inner thigh. I just walked through the grocery store looking like I was either inventing a new dance move or having muscle spasms.

Favorite thing this week: Great doctor's appointment, great hospital tour, picked up the last of the bedroom furniture. All is well.

Excited For: This is the last weekend Mr. Berg is studying. His big test is Monday. AMEN!!

Then I'm putting Mr. Berg to work on all things baby, because if we don't soon get on that, we won't. End of story. 

The Hospital Tour....

Mr. Berg and I embarked on our tour of our local hospital last night. 

"Are we silly for doing this?" I asked Mr. Berg as we pulled in the parking lot. "Weren't we just here for this like, oh I don't know, yesterday?"

Truth be told, we both felt rather silly when we walked in the door and joined our group. For starters- of the 15 couples on our tour, we were  the only set of repeat visitors. Everyone else in the group was taking the 5 week childbirth readiness class and knew each other. Mr. Berg and I had never taken the 5 week preparation course, knowing full well we didn't have time and wouldn't pay attention anyway.

It probably didn't help that my company recently built the hospital patient tower where we would be touring the labor and delivery unit as well as the maternity floor. So not only had a been there a few times, I was intimately familiar with the mechanical systems behind the walls. 

Yet there we were, standing in the atrium, trying to blend in with the rest of the newbies. 

For Mr. Berg it was important to be there for the facts. He wanted to know what had changed since the last time. He wanted to make sure he knew how the process worked should I actually go into labor on my own this time. 

I had an agenda all my own. I'm not sure I can really articulate why, but I can tell you this. I needed to be there to cleanse my mind of the bad things. I needed to know I could be there and not be bombarded with all the bad memories from before. Honestly, I wasn't even sure that was possible.

Our tour of the labor and delivery floor was very informative. Since I was induced with Ryan, I basically checked into the hospital like I was checking into a hotel. Only instead of leaving with free hotel sized shampoo, I got a baby instead.

It was nice to be reminded of what the real process looks like, should I actually go on my own this time. (Spoiler alert- I'm totally voting for an induction again.... like I get a say in this matter)

We passed by the ice machine that Mr. Berg said he visited frequently.... in reality maybe twice? We saw the check in desk where I filled out a bunch of forms and we received our new parents ID bands. We paused in front of the room where Ryan was born. I hadn't noticed it at the time, but our hospital often posts signage on floors, rooms, equipment ,etc. in honor of people who made donations to the hospital. Our hospital room was made possible by Dr. Carter, the very man who delivered me some 32 years ago... odd circle of events huh?

We couldn't go in the room as it was occupied, but I did stop in front of the door and say a quick prayer for the family inside. I hope their experience would be 100x better then my experience.

I smiled as I realized I hadn't experienced any sad feelings, I wasn't hyperventilating, all in all, I felt good. I felt happy and excited. I was eagerly anticipating being there again to bring a new little boy into this world.

And then we walked onto the maternity floor. Despite having lived there for 3 days, having been there when it was nothing but concrete and metal studs, I couldn't really remember it. While Mr. Berg pointed out the newborn viewing area, the coffee bar, the daddy lounge, the views overlooking the helicopter pad, I felt lost. Had I blocked that much out?

We toured the room beside the room we stayed in. I couldn't believe how small it was. It felt bigger last time we stayed there. I mentally took note of the bed, the pull out sofa, the bathroom. I knew I had seen them all before but nothing felt familiar. Our tour guide started showing how the medical gas lines were hidden from view, how the medical supplies were tucked away in shelves and drawers. She said it was because most mothers arrive in the rooms to just recover, they aren't sick. Tear stung my eyes and my heart sank.

I don't remember the lounge or the coffee bar because I couldn't get out of bed to visit them. I don't remember the pull out sofa because I never sat on it. I remember the medical gas lines, the IV poles, the medical supplies because I needed them.

I was the sick mom that our tour guide was glossing over.

I didn't feel sad in labor and delivery because I didn't know then how sick I really was when I was there. I was in shock from my delivery and too enamored with my new son to realize what had happened to me, what was still happening to me. I didn't realize the rug had been pulled out from under me until I woke up on the maternity floor the next day.

The maternity floor is where I had to face reality and suddenly it was slapping me in the face again.  Reality is a stone cold bitch.

We left the hospital feeling well informed. Mr. Berg was armed with the information he needed. I wasn't sure how to feel but in the mix of emotions swirling within, I did notice that a feeling of hopefulness seemed to be rising to the top. 

On the ride home and as we got ready for bed, Mr. Berg and I talked about our tour, what we learned, what had and hadn't changed. We both were glad we went, we both felt a lot better to have had the refresher. As Mr. Berg drifted off to sleep, I found myself lying awake, unsure what to feel. I felt as though I needed to talk more but what about, I wasn't sure. I lay awake for a long time, processing, trying to pin point my emotions, only to find they were all over the map.

I woke up this morning tired and groggy, but I noticed something was missing.

Fear.

Sure, I am nervous about the road ahead. I hope and pray that history doesn't repeat itself. But when all is said and done, I'm not afraid. I feel ready, I feel prepared. I know I can do this- complications or not. 

That's a pretty decent feeling, isn't it?

34 Week Update

How far along are you:  34 weeks- this means we have 6 weeks to go. 6 weeks, people! Yikes!

Fruit/ Veggie: Baby Boy is the size of a cantaloupe. I find this humorous because Ryan has been obsessed with cantaloupe lately.

The Bump: The top of my belly hurts, near my rib cage. Not in a Danger Will Robinson Way, but in a my muscles are out of stretch way. It's a burning pain in one quarter sized location... It isn't constant but wow, when it acts up.... ouch!

Gender: Still a boy... Still nameless, still without a finished room or clean clothing. One week later and all of that still applies....

Stretch Marks: Had you asked me a month ago if I would have stretch marks by now, I would have said absolutely. Somehow, I still don't.

Sleep: Lately, really, really well.

Cravings: Nothing appeals to me right now. I eat and I eat well, but if you asked me at any given time what I'd like to eat, I'd tell you nothing. 

What Makes Me Wanna Gag: Not much of anything..... provided I don't go out on an empty stomach. I have a purse full of snacks and I'm not afraid to use them.

Exercise: I lug a toddler, a purse, a toddler backpack full of random items, two water bottles, a random toddler sized bowl of snacks and typically a blanket or stuffed animal everywhere I go..... I get plenty of exercise that way.

Mood: Loving this spring-ish weather we are having.

Movement: He's been somewhat quieter lately but still moving enough that I'm not worried about it. Little Bugger had me up at 10pm last night with an epic dance party.

Favorite thing this week: It's Mr. Berg's Birthday today!!

Excited For: Lilly Pulitzer at Target on Sunday... need I say more.
(Actually, I do..... I'm using this as an excuse to by one or two dressed bigger then usual so I have something cute to wear this summer. I may also be attempting to wearing one home from the the hospital... because that makes sense)

Mr. Berg and I are taking our hospital tour on Tuesday. I'm determined to go in with a good attitude about this. I'm so nervous for our birth. Ryan's ended up well, healthy baby, no c-section. But everything that could have gone wrong did and we just weren't anticipating it. I really hope this next delivery goes smoothly and results in a very healthy baby and Mama. Coming home from the hospital sick was the worst.